Goodbye 2010!

Dear 2010...

You were certainly the year of challenges and tests. I thought 2009 was a rough year with Mom having colon cancer but she beat it quick and is now healthier then ever. I was never more grateful for that blessing.

2010 started our difficult. One of my very good friends Eddie took his own life by gun in his home. So devastating and to this day I will never understand why he did it. He was full of life and love and a good person. He called me "Little Sis" and that meant a lot to me. I finally made peace with his decision to end his life and get on with my life because that is what he wanted I know.

After trying to get pregnant since the summer of 2009, March rolled around and I was concerned that it was taking so long. I heard some people say it would take up to 9 months to concieve but at that time I knew something wasn't quite right.

After a weird period in March (which the doctor still believes might have been a miscarriage...I am just not sure honestly what happened!) I decided to find a new Ob/Gyn and start our infertility route. My husband was on board with having a baby and it felt like the right time. Being 35 totally put this whole thing into perspective that I need to start....soon! So over the summer we did all of the tests, analysis', exams, classes, blood tests...whatever the doctor wanted us to do we did. My husband's semen analysis came back great so that was a relief but also made me sad. I knew at that point it was ME causing the trouble we were having. It was hard for me to understand but I decided that I needed to know what was wrong. Tubes were clear, period came regularly, I never had any "womanly" issues until now. My blood tests came back twice in a row that I have High FSH. The doctor diagnosed it as having eggs of a 43 year old woman going into menopause. Was NOT the diagnosis I expected! I did all kinds of research on it....tried accupuncture for 3 months, did herbal supplements, hydro colon cleanses....anything hollistic I could get my hands on I tried. Sadly Eastern Medicine was not working the way I wanted it to. I finally decided I needed to be more aggressive in my journey to become a Mom. We started down the IUI path after a much needed 3 week trip to Europe in October. Was hoping that would clear our heads and help us get pregnant. It didn't but shortly after my return we started the IUI journey.

IUI #1 failed on December 6th. I was hearbroken and lost faith but didn't give up. We decided to start over right away with another IUI...more shots, more pills, more heartache, more money loss out of our bank account.

Right now I am exactly half way through my 2ww and will know Jan 7th. I am not sure what 2011 has in store for us but I hope a kiddo or two is in our future. It would complete me in so many ways. I am tired of this infertility journey already.

Hope 2011 brings all that you desire!!!

xoxox Monica

IUI #2 Part 1

We did our IUI this afternoon! 65 million sperm *High Five to my husband* LOL! Rated excellent. I have two mature follicles. IUI was quick and easy like last time.

We go back again tomorrow morning at 8am to drop another specimen off. We are not too worried since we had 65 million today. Doubt we will even have a third of that tomorrow morning. Then off to breakfast and back 2 hours later for part 2!

Getting in the festive Christmas spirit now =D

Slow and Steady

I had another appt on Monday. After Fridays great appt I was feeling hopeful. Unfortunately at that time, my follicles were not growing as big as had hoped. I had 3 follicles....15, 14 and 13 mm. They want them at least at 18 to do the IUI. I felt defeated but my RE suggested waiting on the IUI for later in the week and to continue the double dose of Menopur. So I went back to the pharmacy to spend another $300 for 2 days of shots. Ugh!

Luckily though at my ultrasound today, my follicles responded very well to the extra few days of Menopur. I had one follicle at 19.5mm and the other at 17 which is awesome! Those were the two biggest and probably will produce eggs. This is great since I only had one last month at 18mm. My lining was at 10 which is good and the NP said my lining and uterus look very happy and ready! Yeah!!

We decided to spend the extra money and do back to back IUIs. The NP said it only gives us an extra 5% advantage but we decided to just go for it. We have two really great follicles and better to increase our chances on this great cycle.

I took my trigger shot tonight at 7pm. The trigger shot forces ovulation in the next few hours. My first IUI is Thursday at 4:30pm and then again on Friday at 10am. I was so stressed about how things would fit in this week. It all fell into place and worked out perfectly! Thursday we can do the sperm sample at home and drive to Kaiser to drop it off for washing. Then we come back at 4:30pm which gives us the whole day to be at work. Then Friday we will go again to the clinic at 8am with the sperm to have it washed, have some breakfast and come back at 10am to do the IUI. This gives us plenty of time to stop back at the house to pick up the gifts and to get to my Dad's early enough. Plus I was able to have a co-worker work for me on Friday so I didn't have to worry about coming to work on Friday and just focus on the IUI. Hooray!!! I feel so happy!

I have my lucky Christmas socks lined up for both days and my orange undies for both IUIs. I have read that wearing orange underwear for your treatments opens up the fertility chakras. I found some cute orange ones at Target last night. I got so lucky since I wasn't sure I would find orange during this season. Yeah!!

Just hoping for the best on Thurs and Fri. At least I will be going through the holidays with hope and faith. Even if it dosen't work out, I can still have a smile on my face knowing that it all worked out.

Jumped the gun...again!!

I know we have all done this....self-diagnosed ourselves and then jump to conclusions and upset ourselves and only make things worst...right? I did that today and I feel so stupid!

After Mondays letdown I was already telling myself that this cycle was going to be a bust. My body was not reacting well to Femara and so the Menopur wasn't working as well as it usually does. My RE doubled my injections of Menopur to make up for lost time basically. Frustrated but went along with it. Today I had an ultrasound scheduled to see how my follicles were doing. They tested my estradiol before 8am this morning. I got the results back via e-mail about 1pm and it was 181. I remember the last time my estradiol was over 300 so I was BUMMED! I kept telling myself that this whole thing was a waste of time and saying all of these really awful things like "IUI is a joke"..."My RE is an idiot"..."I am broken"...just thinking all these hateful things. My husband called me on my way to the RE appt and I was bawling on the phone with him. Poor guy...he could only muster the words "I am so sorry" to me. Told him I would call him after the appt. Walked into the doctor's today with tears in my eyes.

See the RE and tell her that I am bummed when she asks how I am doing. Told her I saw my estradiol lab results so I am pretty sure this cycle is a bust. She tells me that I beat her to the results and what they were. When I told her 181, she looked at me and said "That's pretty good! We want over 100!". Wow what a relief to hear those words! What was I even thinking that I had to be over 300?! Not even sure why I came up with that. So she checked my follicles via u/s and there were the three most beautiful things I ever saw....THREE FOLLICLES at 10-12 mm!!!!! Yeahhhhh! My lining at 7.7 which was great she said. She wants me to continue the high dose of Menopur and is pretty certain that I will have at least 2-3 mature follicles ready to go comes time for the IUI next week. OMG! I was estatic after the appt...I was skipping and smiley. YES!!!! I go back in for an ultrasound on Monday and they will let me know when to do my trigger shot. Looks like Tues afternoon or Wed is my IUI!! Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!

I even bought Christmas socks today....I plan to wear them during my IUI! ;)

Shots in the Car

I had an ultrasound appt today to see how my body was responding to Femara and the Menopur this month. What a letdown...my body was responding poorly. My estradiol level was 58 and it's Day 7. Last time around this time it was about 130 so it's wayyy below what it should be. The RE was concerned and not happy. She cancelled the ultrasound because she didn't want to waste my money because there wouldn't be anything to see. I guess Femara was not a good thing for me to take. So irriated because I did not like the way Femara made me feel....itchy and last night when I was changing into my pajamas, I noticed that the tips of my nipples were WHITE! (not a discharge but the nipple itself!) Freaked me out! Luckily I pushed on them and they came back to the normal color but crap!

So anyways....she has totally doubled my dose of Menopur. Told me to take 225ui as soon as I left her office and to take another 225ui tonight. She wants me to take 150ui every morning and 225ui every night until Friday morning when she checks my estradiol level again. She wanted me to go home to do the shots but I couldn't leave. I had carpooled with my husband that day and he wasn't ready to go until at least 5:30pm and my appt ended about 3pm. So after I picked up the Menopur at the pharmacy, I just gave myself the shot in my car. I had no other way. I wasn't going to do it at work in the bathroom or in the parking lot because the last thing I need right now is for a co-worker to see me giving myself a shot. It worked out...quick and I am a pro at this now anyways. Was a little worried that I had no alcohol to clean but oh well!

So frustrated....I just feel totally set back right now. Trying not to get discouraged because there is still time to get my eggs to mature. I guess I won't freak out until I see her Friday afternoon for my appt. No more Femara and hoping the double dose of Menopur does the trick.

And of course when I went to pay for my Menopur, the pharmacy clerk rings me up and says "Wow this is a lot!". I wanted to tell her "NO SHIT!" but I just mumbled "I don't wish this on anyone". She asked me "What?" and I told her "Nevermind" because I was about to cry. I left and let myself cry in the car. Thank God my husband assured me to not worry about the money and to follow what our doctor says. It's out of our control and no point in getting upset. It's hard for me not to ...thank God he makes me feel better.

Was really hoping to occupy my time and do Christmas cards tonight but of course those didn't come in the mail...crap!! By the time they come in the mail, it will be too late. So irriatated!!!

Okay I am done venting for now. Just hoping this whole cycle is not a total waste of time.

IUI #2

Look at what Santa brought me today? hehehe I thought it would be funny to leave it under the tree until Hsien gets home. It's our Christmas present this year ;)

Well after dreaded AF came, I knew I had a choice. I could either get upset and freak out or I could accept it and move on. I decided to accept it and move on. I don't have to like it or be nice but I will accept this and try again. I am not a quitter and I can move on.

Had an appt today with my NP Debbie. It was weird being back at her office again since the last time I was there it was my IUI with Hsien and we both felt so hopeful and happy. Was hoping I would not have to come back to that clinic not pregnant. I was in the room and Debbie walked in with a frown face on. I told her not to be sad for me because I would start crying. She promised then to smile and no tears. We did an ultrasound and found some follicles. She had a hard time seeing them today so I didn't get an exact count but there were a few there growing. She asked me to get dressed and then meet her in her office.

She decided that since my body only made one follicle last cycle, she wants to be more aggressive. We will do a continued higher dose of Menopur and also include Femara for 5 days. She will have me do this until Monday to see how my follicles grow. I have a blood test Monday morning and then an ultrasound Monday afternoon to see how things have progressed. Hopefully really great! When I was leaving, Debbie gave me a big hug and I am glad. I teared up a bit because she really does care. I know she wants us to get pregnant and doing everything she can possibly to get us there. We are going super aggressive this month and hoping that it really does work. I get weighed every time I go to my appt and I hate that. I try to close my eyes but they always tell me my weight. It's going up but I know its from the meds and retaining water and that's okay. I am not obsessing over it...it is what it is and as long as I can still fit into my pants, I am doing okay. I might have to buy some more stretch pants because the Menopur made me super dooper bloated last time that I couldn't button my jeans. It's weird seeing it so bloated. The only other side effect is that I am breaking out in acne all over my face. Everyday I have a new big pink zit...blah! My co-worker keeps mentioning it because I usually have nice skin. She told me it was because I am eating too much chocolate LOL! I keep telling her to keep thinking that ;)

I really want to feel motivated to work out more. I took dance last month but the hip hop was just too much for me. My abs were hurting for days after classes and I really need to stop with the ab workouts. Then my other class which is a Jazz class is just too emotionally hard to continue going to. I have a friend in there who is 5 months pregnant and my jealousy takes over me every time I am in class. I can't even focus on the choreography or music. It's like I see her belly and I want to cry. Sooooo I am not sure when I might go back to dance. Taking a break in December since we will be doing the IUI again and my niece is coming. I am thinking maybe January depending on how things go I might take a tap class instead with my friend Jenny who teaches. There is really no ab work and no pregnant ladies to compete with ;)

I am definitely feeling more positive now about this cycle. Still let down from the negative results of the last one though. I feel like we did everything right but my body wasn't ready. Hopefully this time around that all the hormone medication will get us pregnant....or I won't be surprised if I turn into a Unicorn by New Years! ;)

The Universe must hate me

I tested today...got a NOT PREGNANT result. I figured that much...I didn't set myself up too much but it was still hard to see it. I really was hoping I was going to be wrong. But alas, another month and no pregnancy. I cried a lot today. It was hard to be at work but I did the best I could by distracting myself although I had a few moments of tears. When I went to pick up Hsien at work, I had a while to myself in the car and I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. My face is so swollen right now.

Never will I understand why this is not happening for me....I guess good things don't happen to good people. It's like God and the Universe hate me and doing what they can to punish me. I am sticking my middle fingers up at the Universe right now. Why do some have it so easy and for us it's difficult. It is so not fair...we are so deserving of being parents while these snot-faced teenage bitches get pregnant without even thinking about it.

Still waiting on my period to come. I am pretty sure it's going to be here tomorrow and then I can confirm it all for sure and call the doctor. I guess I will go for another round of IUI again. Not thrilled but I can't stop now. There goes $2,000 down the drain this month. Again, middle fingers up at the Universe!

I was so pissed off this morning that I kicked the Christmas tree and knocked a lot of ornaments over. I was contemplating about just packing up the damn tree and all the stupid Christmas stuff and putting it away. I won't get what I want for Christmas so who cares. Hsien talked me into putting it back together and keeping the decorations. Maybe I will move out of this funk and the lights and cards will make me smile (doubtful). Really looking forward to the new year starting...2010 has royally sucked donkey balls.

If anything...my boss said I broke a record of using the F word today!

Posting videos again

I know a few of you asked about the videos I posted on my blog. I am posting them again here so they are easier to find. Enjoy watching them ;)

This is a video of my second day doing my shot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCBQLhqAmq0

This is a video of me right after my IUI procedure talking to Hsien about it (PS..I am half naked hehe)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhPE_S5LbkA

3 more days of waiting....

It's been a while since I wrote. I guess there isn't much to say while I wait and wait and wait for Monday morning to roll around. It's been nice not having to go to any doctor's appts the past 2 weeks though!

Sunday night Hsien and I will be going to Target to buy pregnancy tests...its our little date ;) Monday morning when I wake up, I will test and hope for the best! Not going to beat myself up if it is negative because there is still a chance that I could be but if my period comes, then I know, it's back to the drawing board again this month. Trying not to think about doing that all over again but if I must...I will!

I haven't really felt pregnant but I have had symptoms of things which I am not sure are in my head or are a side effect of the progesterone I am taking twice a day. My breasts are slightly sore, a pimple popped up on my face Sunday, I have had indigestion and lose bowels...just little things. Last night I laid in bed and asked God for a sign....and what i got this morning was waking up to a pimple errupting on my upper lift. Ouch! How is that for a sign? I never get pimples ever....so who knows. Trying not to think too much into things and get my hopes up at all.

I've had a lot of great support from my friends and it really has been a wakeup call for me. Sometimes you have to go through something pretty hard to figure out who cares and who dosen't.

Not sure if I will blog again this weekend unless some momentous event happens. I will be back here on Monday I am sure! ;) Hoping of course to report wonderful news!

Feeling defeated

I have no idea why I am feeling defeated right now. I was doing so good and feeling so positive about things and then last night I started to let my emotions get the best of me. My IUI was last Monday and the closer my 2ww comes to an end...the more anxious and defeated I feel. I see all of the wonderful ladies in my online support group going through IUIs and IVFs and just going through sooo much to achieve that one thing only to be let down by a BFN. Why would I be any different? How are my chances any better then anyone to get a BFP on Dec 6th when my 2ww is over? I feel it's almost hopeless to even think this will be my month. Why I am feeling this way is beyond me but it's taking over my head and my heart. I keep thinking about my wonderful SIL who has had BFPs with both of her IUIs on the first try. What are the chances that it will happen to me??!!

I think a lot though that I am very lucky in many ways right now with my treatments. I am at a clinic I feel knows what they are doing and talking about with well educated and experienced doctors and nurse practioners. Not once have I felt like they have steered me in the wrong direction. Also, they are being super aggressive due to my age of 35 and my High FSH. Also I am darn lucky that I even have a diagnosis for my infertility. It would drive me mad wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Also happy that my husband's sperm is happy and healthy and I believe when we do get pregnant it will be because of his super dooper sperm!

It probably didn't help that i watched "Up" and "Julie and Julia" this weekend....both had a snipit of infertility in their story lines that I had to hold back tears on. I hurt so bad when I see those women feeling like I do.

Today my husband and I went to Target to look around and we thought about looking for gifts for our 2 year old niece. My husband started wandering into the baby stuff with the furniture and I just told him that I can't go down there right now. He looked at me and said "Somebody's crabby today". *rolling eyes* Pullleeezzzeee don't even go there! And just seeing all of these frazzled Moms with their beautiful kids in tow driving them insane with running around...it just made me super jealous of them.

I feel like I have only just begun in this infertility journey and I already feel defeated. I haven't gone through half of the craziness that most of my online support friends have been through and I already feel discouraged. Heck I could be pregnant right now and be thinking all of these negative thoughts. It's such vicious cycle to keep thinking about.

I am going to keep my mind occupied next week though. I have a few dates set up with girlfriends who know what I am going through so it will be nice to watch movies with them and have dinners and catch up. Hopefully keep my mind off the 2ww. I need to snap out of this funk!

Being Thankful....

I have a lot to be thankful for right now....I really do. I need to remember that and not focus so much on what I don't have which at times for me is hard. I have amazing supportive friends that I can talk to about my infertility stuff....I have a job that I like and that is stable with an awesome boss....great family.....wonderful fur babies and a husband that worships the ground I walk on. Although 2010 goes down in history for me as probably one of my less favorite years, it was also the year I learned a lot about myself and on a topic that I never ever really felt I would have to deal with. I truly am grateful for the opportunity to have the IUI done on Monday and maybe, just maybe my future child is growing in my belly. I can only hope and pray that he/she wants to stick around with me.

I'm doing well aside from a flat tire, seeing a good friend who is pregnant and also going to a friend's family dinner/20-year olds baby shower...I didn't shed a tear although I was sad. I survived and am learning that things may not always go my way but there is a reason why I am here in my situation. I need to learn from this and grow and hopefully conquer the negative thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...I truly am grateful to you and for even reading my blog. I know exactly who is reading and who isn't and it makes me happy for the ones that do care enough to read and comment to me from time to time. I love you! xoxo

What started out as a bad day...ended pretty well!

This is what I wrote last night about my IUI which happened Monday morning. We also recorded a small video after the procedure =)

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhPE_S5LbkA

Wow...what a rollercoaster of a morning! If I was trying to think that there was a conspirancy against me...it was certainly this morning!!

Last night I was all ready for my IUI. I had my change of clothes already and had all my work stuff packed and ready to go. I went to bed early to try and get some sleep. I had a really hard time sleeping especially after someone from my work called me at 11:30pm calling in sick for 8am. I was pissed! It was hard to fall back to sleep after my cell phone was blaring in my ear. So I had that on my mind....but then woke up about 6am to get a head start on getting ready and getting the sperm sample to the clinic by 8am.

I was all ready to go on my end but just waiting on my husband to finish getting ready and do his sperm sample. Poor guy....he was having "stage fright" and was only was able to produce a very very small sample of semen. I was devastated and started crying. He felt bad and said he would try again but nothing happened. I kept thinking all this work and money and all we have is this lousy sperm sample. I didn't want to make him feel bad but I had a hard time hiding my feelings. We left for the clinic and got there shortly before 8am. He said he wanted to try one more time in the bathroom. He was gone for 5 minutes but no such luck. I was sad but knew it wasn't his fault. We dropped the sample off, headed to work and worked until 11am.

While at work I had a hard time focusing and especially since the sperm sample was so small I was sure that the IUI would get cancelled. On top of that, I left my damn cell phone at home so I was a huge mess LOL! Of all days and I forget my phone!

I call my husband from work and tell him I am leaving in 5 minutes and to meet me out front in 10 minutes at his work. I pick him up and we head to the clinic in nervous silence not sure what to expect or hear from the NP. The wait in the waiting room was escrustiating. I just wanted to cry.

We got called back and put into a room where I dressed down from the waist. I brought my lucky socks and wore those and also threw on a long sleeve shirt since it was chilly in the room. My NP Debbie came in and reassured us that the sperm sample that we gave them was more then sufficient! OMG I almost wanted to cry! I gave Hsien a big kiss and apologized for freaking out on him earlier. He understood but he felt relieved too. After the "Cleaning", I was being injected with 22.1 million sperm which was way more then they needed. The NP also told me that they only inject about a teaspoon anyways so we had enough sample to begin with. The motility was 3.5 out of 4 which is very very good. He has very strong swimmers and LOTS of them. I couldn't contain my excitement and had tears in my eyes.

We started the insemination which was very quick. She injected Hsien's washed sperm into my uterus. I had a bit of cramping but nothing too bad. It was done so fast and then she had me left my pelvis up and brought the table up so that my hips were elevated another 15 minutes. She went over a couple of things with us like to call in 2 weeks for a pregnancy test and to start the pogesterone suppositories on Wed. I have to do one twice a day. She then left us alone and Hsien and I siged relief that it was over. We hugged forever while I laid there. Figured it was the closest thing to having sex if we were going to get pregnant LOL!

So what started out as a really really bad day...actually turned around to be a very good one. We had lunch after the appt and he drove me home to rest for the rest of the day. I found my phone and had a few text messages from loving friends asking how I was doing. I got a small nap in too and will spend the rest of the day organizing our trip pictures and designing our Christmas cards. Also happy that my boss gave me tomorrow off so I can go to bed tonight knowing that I can relax again tomorrow. Looks like a movie marathon might happen which would be so perfect right now for me!

All is good in my world!

IUI is Monday morning!

I am really really excited about the IUI happening this Monday. Not sure why I feel so positive and excited! I am sort of worried that I might be setting myself up for failure but I just have no negative doubts in my mind right now. It's really weird! Like I know it MIGHT not work this time but maybe just knowing that we will do it again next month right away makes me feel better? I don't know! I hope we don't and we can just have this done already. Going through the shots and being bloated again does not sound fun. Actually the shots are not that bad....it's the huge bloated belly and nagging pain in my ovaries that is the worst part of it all at this point. Who knows...still another 2 weeks to go with the IUI and the progesterone suppositories.

Saw the NP this morning for my ultrasound and it went well. Sadly the one follicle I had in my right ovary decided to take a permanent hike but luckily there are 3 on my left side. One is measuring 17.5mm which is right around where they want it to be. The other two are very small so the chances are quite slim with those two ever meeting sperm. So I am hopeful. I was hoping to have more then one follicle but after reading a lot on line, the average woman who gets pregnant only releases one egg anyways...so it could happen! I am really hopeful! It's a good size and with Hsien's super dooper sperm, we may very well get the child that we dream about. She saw nothing else to worry about. My uterus looks good and my lining is excellent measuring exactly where it should be. I was told I did not have to do anymore shots with Menopur and to do the Trigger shot tonight at 11pm. This will trigger my ovulation and release the eggs. I was also told to have sex tonight. This will increase our chances of getting pregnant....so that is our little homework assignment ;) Of course Hsien had no problems with that Ha! Ha!

I am still pretty bloated and my left ovary is really crampy. I can see now why since I have this huge follicle sitting there ready to make a baby.

I was happy today because I went bridesmaid dress shopping and I was worried I would look really bloated but it all worked out and with the style dress that I decided on, you couldn't even tell. I ordered the dress and asked the saleslady about what I should do if I do get pregnant since I am ordering the dress in the size I am now. She told me to call her right away when I found out and that she would order me extra fabric. So awesome..I REALLY hope I need to call her to get that extra fabric. This would be soooo great! By the time of the wedding I would be about 6 1/2 months pregnant.

I am really happy and very excited about all of this. Looking forward to taking the two days off work too to relax and catch up on a few things. It will be very good for me! The two week wait will drive me crazy but I am hoping all the craziness will be worth it!!

Buddha Belly

Whoa...my belly is huge! I am not even joking. These infertility drugs are really making my belly look like I am 3-4 months pregnant =O It's kind of cruel. I have a generally flat stomach that is untoned with a little pooch right below the belly button. Well tonight I looked at myself in the mirror and I am ROUND from my breast line to my pubic area. I do not even know what to think. I can barely fit into pants...I am not even pregnant! Geeshhhhh! So cruel...cruel cruel cruel! I am suppose to go Bridesmaid dress shopping on Sat. How will I hide this belly? Maybe I should just get an empire waist dress then Ha! Ha!

So went back to the doctor's again for another ultrasound and blood work. My estradiol level was good...370. Much higher then it was on Monday. The NP checked my follicles and it looks like only one is maturing. Bummer! I told her I wanted all of them to mature LOL! She said the chances of twins on this cycle is really slim which I am fine with....I am not expecting twins out of this...I just want one baby. The drugs are working though. My follicles are growing and look good. She wants me to come back on Saturday for another ultrasound and then decide then if Mon or Tues will be my insemination. My ovaries and abdomen area are crampy and my belly is huge! I feel a bit uncomfortable but I figure all of these symptoms are a good thing. I am getting more emotional as the cycle goes on but I think the antipation of the IUI is a bit overwhelming for me. She also told me to continue the Menopur shots tonight and tomorrow night. I told her I only had 2 more vials left, enough for one night. She was so nice and gave me two vials!! She saved me like $100!!! I was soooo grateful!!!

So after my appt I felt hopeful but also sad. Only one follicle might mature. That means the chances are much lower then if more matured. But I have to remember, it only takes ONE egg to get pregnant. I told Hsien to talk to his sperm and make sure they are ready to go ;) He promised not to have his laptop on his lap this weekend and to keep his junk cool this weekend LOL! Funny guy! So we'll see..Monday or Tues! Already told my boss and she knows I probably will take 2 days off. Kind of sucks since it will already be a short week and I won't have much time to catch up on work but I don't care. Work can wait! While I am resting I am going to upload all of our Europe pictures on Facebook FINALLY, make our holiday cards and everything else that I have been slacking on that involves the laptop. Kind of looking forward to giving myself some downtime. I need this downtime...between selling our condo, moving back to my house in a few months, my brother getting a divorce, the holidays and everyone else's life stuff, I need a break and focus on ME!

That is the latest and greatest as of now!

Just rambling here....

I am so anxious for my second ultrasound tomorrow that I can't focus on anything else. I just hope that those 5 little eggies are still there and nice and fat and ready for sperm! (Okay maybe not ALL 5 of them but I will take a few!)

I worked from home today but mostly took a day to clear my head. I have so much to do and so much on my mind between our infertility issues, selling our condo and moving, my brother getting a divorce and everything else going on in everyone elses lives that I have to deal with.

I made some really hot chili for dinner. It was something I had wanted to do for a while so I did that this morning and got to smell the good smells while I cleaned the entire condo from top to bottom! It feels nice sitting on our couch and looking around at this super clean place! Our condo just went on the market so I am doing whatever I can to help it sell. Also had to set up the cats litter box and food/water dishes in the guest room so that they are in one central location when prospective buyers come. I made a few signs that said that we have 2 cats and please do not let them outside. I worry about my little furballs! I will be SO happy when we are out of this tiny box called a condo and can move back to my house that my brother and I own. He decided to move out after his wife left him, so his misfortune worked out for us. I can't wait to move there...it's twice the size of our place now with a big backyard and front yard. I keep invisioning what our place will look like and that when we finally do have children, this will be their first home. Ahhhhh which funny enough was the same home my brother and I were born in. I can't wait to bring my baby/ies home one day.

So aside from the clean house and feeling positive, I am looking forward to the appt tomorrow and finding out what day the IUI will be. She is thinking Sat or Mon. I REALLY hope it's on Monday because I have plans Saturday and Sunday. My boss has been really great and giving me Mon and Tues off if I need it. I will just let it be...if it happens Sat then I cancel my plans. I am going bridesmaid dress shopping on Saturday. I am looking forward to it but have been so bloated lately that I am scared to go try on dresses. Also feeling crampy and just overwhelmed but will be there for my friend if the IUI is not scheduled that day.

Just me rambling here....

Headed in the right direction

Went to see my RE today (actually she is a nurse practitioner and I love her! She is awesome!) She had me do a blood test early this morning so that we had the results in time for my appt at 2:30pm.

Picked up Hsien and headed to her office. I am glad he came and I think he was glad too. He was so intrigued by the female anatomy poster in the exam room that it was funny! Debbie (the NP) came in and introduced herself to Hsien and Hsien asked lots of great questions...I was really proud of him for stepping up like this and being interested. I know he is interested but really wanting to learn about what we are doing.

Debbie did the ultrasound on me and it came back with 1 egg on the right side and 4 on the left side. They measured about 7-8 mm. She is wanting them to grow to about 17-18mm. Also said that my estradiol level is good...134 so the injections ARE working. Hooray! She had us sit down and talk some more. She wants me to do 4 more nights of injections of 150 ui of the Menopur, do another blood test on Thurs morning before 8am and then come back for another ultrasound on Thursday at 2:50pm. She'll know at that point realistically when we can do the IUI. She is thinking Saturday or Monday probably. Eeek...I am so excited! So I feel relieved about this appt. I hardly slept last night because I was just so worried that my body might not be responding to the meds...but they are and at a good pace...not too much and not too little. Debbie also just sent me an e-mail saying that she is going to run some more blood work on my on Thursday along with my estradiol tests. So that is where we are with that. I had to go the pharmacy to buy more Menopur...that cost $165 for another 3 nights since I already have 2 vials left over. Plus my ultrasound cost $127. This stuff adds up! Ahhhh! Please please please....let this work!

Debbie kind of freaked me out a bit though. I asked her if she thinks we should proceed again right away with another cycle of shots and IUI if this month doesn't work. She said yes and recommended probably 3 rounds total. If that doesn't work the move on to IVF. She also recommended that if the IUI even works we should consider freezing some of my eggs due to my high FSH levels. It might be hard to get pregnant again. Ahhhh! So much to think about! One thing at a time though...I am going to get through this IUI first with positive vibes and hopefully a positive pregnancy test. Then at that point, Hsien and I will evaluate what we think should happen. Wouldn't it be great if I could get pregnant with twins and call it a day? Perfect...wish life worked out like we wanted to!

Overall feeling really great! My boss was excited to hear that the appt went well. She has been through all of this so she knows how I feel. It's nice getting random text messages from friends through out the day too cheering me on! I just have so much love and support from people...it's awesome!

On another note...since I stopped running and doing anything strenuous as far as working out, I was feeling blooby and bloated and fat. Blah! it was why I went back to dance classes one night a week. I HAVE to do something with my body and dance is good for my body and soul to see all of my friends. I am just not doing any situps or too much ab work. When everyone does the situps, I proceed with other stretches and say I hurt my tailbone =P When I told my friend who is also my hip hop teacher that my doctor did not want me doing any situps, her eyes got all wide and asked "Whyyy???" hehe I told her why and she understood. Another weird situation was last week I had seen a guy friend for the first time in like maybe 8 months in dance class. He is a good guy but I wanted to smack him! He is very supportive of me and Hsien having cute Asian babies (he is Asian himself) so I know his intentions are good but when he saw me, he looked at my belly and said "I would have expected some babies by now from you!" I looked at him and said "Well some of us don't have a choice in that matter" but I said it really snooty and rude. I feel bad but I was just upset. I know he doesn't know what we are going through but come on people...THINK before you say something stupid! Ugh!

So anyways....I was all stressed about putting on weight and getting out of shape. I went dress shopping with some girlfriends of mine since we are getting ready for our dance companies holiday "Prom" hehe Tried on a few dresses and luckily my dress size hasn't changed. Hooray! In fact, I brought home a new dress in a size....*drum roll please*....4!!! Okay...so I still got it I guess ;) I feel all bloated and yucky but thankfully my body has not changed. That made me feel a million times better! Can't wait to rock out that dress come Dec 18th...hopefully by then I will know I am pregnant too!!

So overall today was good!! I can relax a little bit and look forward to the appt on Thursday.

Mrs. Toad's Wild Ride

That is how i feel at times....just on t his crazy wild roller coaster that seems to never end. I am still in good spirits but as I draw closer to my follow up appt tomorrow...I am expecting the worst *sigh* This great thing can't happen to ME right?! Ugh....I guess I am trying not to set myself up for disappointment but at the same time, I need to stay positive and hopeful.

I finished up the last of the Menopur and tomorrow early about 7am I need to get a blood test done. At 2:30pm for our appt, I will have my blood results back and they will do the ultrasound. I can only hope and pray that everything comes back good and looks okay. Please God...let my body respond well to these fertility drugs! At our appt, we will know more about what happens next, when I start the progesterone and when about my IUI will be scheduled. I have a feeling either this coming weekend or Mon/Tues of next week. I don't know why I dread the outcome so much...but then again....what if I do get pregnant?! I can't wait to find out!

For some reason I seem to be seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE! At the mall last night I think I counted 20...probably all younger then me too *bleh* I went to Babies R Us to buy 3 shower gifts...talk about torturous but I found myself wandering the store, pretending it was me I was buying for. Not sure if this healthy or not of me but I felt good for at least 30 minutes. Why can't it be me that I am buying for? It's always for everyone else. I swear when I do have a baby...my karma better kick in because I have been more then generous with the gift buying lately LOL! I also secretly look at maternity clothes and baby name books *sigh* Once again I am probably torturing myself but it makes me feel happy for a while...then reality sets in.

Hsien has still been my biggest supporter although he feels I obsess too much about this whole thing. I on the other hand, don't think I do. I don't believe I act any differently then anyone else would that wanted something so badly. It hasn't taken over my life or my job and I am not losing friends...so I think I am okay!

Please please please...let this appt tomorrow be a positive one. I need this right now soooo badly!!

Hopeful...so hopeful!

The nightly injections are going well and everyday I am more anxious to get to the next step of my IUI procedure this month. I continue the shots until tomorrow night. Looking forward to Monday when I have a blood test and an ultrasound to see how well the fertility injections did for my eggs. I am thinking happy good thoughts! Hsien will be there so I am glad about that. This will be his first visit to the infertility doctor with me. He has been nervous and scared for me. He says I am brave. I often times thinks he feels helpless because there really isn't anything he can really do. We talked and because I am realistic about our chances, we decided that if this IUI cycle fails this month, we will try again right away. It will be another $1000 but it might do the trick! I have read stories that sometimes it takes 2-3 trys to get pregnant. I hope and pray that first is a charm! ;) I have hope though. Yesterday I was just so gitty and happy...just this huge wave of positive energy and thoughts came through and it's been that way for a few days. I haven't felt too negative or hopeless about all of this. I guess better to be positive...no reason to feel down about something that hasn't even happened yet.

I have had a lot of support from my boss and also a few friends. It's amazing who pops up in your life and wants to know everything going on. So surprised by the ones who are currently pregnant or going through a divorce or some other life changing event. They have so much on their plate yet they always take a moment every day to say they are thinking of me. I really value those friends...I truly do. Last night a good friend of me gave me the most beautiful inspirational card. I was in tears when I read it. It was so amazing to have love and support like this. I truly am lucky!

Hsien and I recorded a video of me preparing and doing our injection on the second night. It's about 8 minutes long and some parts are boring but the beginning and the end are kind of funny. I make light of the situation and have to laugh and make fun of myself or else I will go crazy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCBQLhqAmq0

Shot Shot Shot Shot Shot

Ha! Ha! My friend was telling me to play that hip hop song "Shot Shot" while I did my first shot tonight for inspiration hehe I couldn't stop laughing thinking about it tonight while doing my first shot.

I was anxious and excited to get to it. I got home, took a shower, cleaned off the counter with alcohol and showed Hsien how I was going to prepare the shot. I was a bit nervous and frustrated. Not sure if I screwed up one part...kicking myself for that but I can't beat myself up. I will just move forward and do better tomorrow night. It was harder to put the shot together then actually give myself the shot! Ahhh! I was nervous before poking myself. When I did it wasn't that bad but it stung for a few moments. Finally got it all in and it was over. Put all of the stuff in my biohazard container and was done. I feel a bit crampy now and bloated.

Other then that...feeling super positive! I hope this works this one time! I have a lot of love and support in my life right now with so mamy amazing women cheering me on!!! I can't wait to make them all Aunties!!

xoxox

Tomorrow is the big day...

So I start my fertility drugs tomorrow night! I am full of mixed emotions...mostly overwhelmed right now. So much going through my head and keeping appts clear and what to do...ahhhh! I feel so lost!

I had my appt at 11am today with my nurse practitioner. She did an ultrasound and checked out my ovaries and follicles. Everything looking good. I sat with her in her office and she went through what to do next. I also had her go through my herbs and vitamins and she weeded out the ones she no longer wanted me to take.

First order of business was to pickup all of the medication today. I get to the pharmacy and pickup my BIG bag of stuff. Total cost...$515!!!! The pharmacy clerk took a double take, I almost cried and the people behind me gasped at the price on the register. Damn! And that is only for the next 5 days or so. It also does not include the $127 I paid for the ultrasound today. I really really really hope this only takes one time. I cannot handle doing this over and over every month! Yikes! And that is with our insurance which is pretty good. We get 50% off infertility things.

So now we have a lot of papers to go through and read. Hsien needs to do a blood test. It's a legal thing because his sperm being put into me is considered a "transplant" and by law there has to be an HIV test done.

Next I do the drugs for the next 5 nights (I think...I still need to read everything). I go and do a blood test on Monday morning early in the morning and come back to the doctor at 2:30pm for an ultrasound. At this point she will know if the medication is working or not. Then at that point, we test and wait for my ovulation for the IUI procedure. My guess it will happen around Monday before Thanksgiving. And if I haven't said it already....I really hope this works this time!!! I need to stay positive...I have to or I will go crazy!

Off to read up on my meds and go through all of the boxes of stuff. I am feeling overwhelmed but okay. I kind of feel alone in all of this. Hsien was going to join me for my doctor's appt and he forgot. I kept calling but he was in a meeting. He felt bad but part of me feels like I am only doing this for myself. I know he means well but he dosen't fully "get it". I really think he should be a part of all of this. This is also his kid we are trying to make! Ahhh...I need a nap and a good cry.

Infertility Etiquette

My online support group posted this article...I thought it was quite interesting and so true!!

Infertility Etiquette


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

•They will eventually conceive a baby.
•They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
•They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

"Babies"

I finally got a chance to watch the movie "Babies" on Netflix tonight. I knew it would effect me emotionally in many ways, so when my husband went into work tonight for a few hours, I was able to lay on our bed, shut the door and watch it on my laptop. Never have I laughed and cried so hard through a movie. It really is a wonderful, sweet and gorgeous movie! I cried a lot....out of happiness but also frustration. At one point in the movie I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe and just asked God over and over "Why not me? Why not me?!" It was hard at times to watch because I would love nothing more then to be one of those mothers but then again, my life isn't their life. I also laughed a lot because they are so cute and funny and I kept thinking that "Wow! I will have a child or two that does the same thing. How amazing to see that in real life from a child that came from me". Pretty sureal....I can only hope and wish that time comes soon.

So this week is a big week for me. I have never been more anxious to start my period then now! How funny. Usually I am hoping and praying it never comes. I want it to be here so I can call my doctor and start this process! I have gotten a lot of feedback about the IUI procedure with my condition. It's just so different for everyone. Some people have gotten pregnant on the first try, some on the third. Some had to go to IVF. I know the time will come....I just don't know when and at what cost emotionally and financially. I just pray that when I do get pregnant, that it sticks. I would rather wait a long while to get pregnant then to repeatedly keep getting pregnant only to miscarry. My heart cannot handle that!! Nooooo!

But overall I am feeling hopeful and excited. I told Hsien tonight how excited I was and he told me to tell him again what was going to be happening. He is interested in knowing and learning although he might not fully understand everything happening. At least he is supportive and that is a wonderful thing.

Talked to my Sister in Law tonight and she is feeling good but really tired. I am really excited about her pregnancy. i can't wait to meet my new neice or nephew come June!! Hopefully I will be pregnant by then!

Shootin' Up

So I had my Injections class yesterday. Wasn't sure what to expect since I heard so many different stories from my Online Support group. The class was held at Kaiser by a nurse. There was a total of 5 of us. I have to say...it was a bit uncomfortable. I think all 5 of us are struggling with the same feelings, fears and desires and to be there in a room with 5 others who are going through the same thing, it was a bit overwhelming. I wanted to hug and kiss each and everyone of them but sadly we all got shy around each other, avoiding eye contact and nervously laughing about injecting an orange with the medicine we are learning to mix.

The nurse was very nice although I had a hard time hearing her at times. She had us watch a video which showed us how to mix our medicines and how to properly inject them into our abdomen. I am sure the first time I do this, it's going to be very nerve racking. I have never given myself a shot. From what I hear, it's not painful at all so I am not worried about the pain. I think I am just nervous that this is all finally happening. The medicine I am injecting myself with is called Gonadotropins. Basically this medicine will help with my high FSH issue and hopefully help produce some really good eggs to be fertilized.

I will be calling my doctor's office on the first day of my period which will be next week. I have to go see my doctor everyday for the first 5 days of my period for ultrasounds and blood tests. I will then find out when I start the shots....some start Day 3 and some start Day 5. I do the series of shots and then monitored for ovulation the next 2 weeks until I do ovulate and that is when Hsien does his thing and I have the IUI done. There are so many other things involved then that...like more blood drawn on certain days and ultrasounds on the follicles.

And you know what is weird? I am super excited about all of this! After the class was over, I couldn't stop smiling or wait to tell Hsien everything I learned. I think for me it's finally setting in this that this is happening. I have waited so long to get the ball rolling on this that it's finally happening. I won't expect to have it work the first time but I can always hope. So many others I know had it work on the first try. Hsien feels a little better about it now knowing that I am going through the same thing his sister went through. Also an IUI procedure like this one will cost about $1000 which is a lot less then an IVF or anything else. I can only hope and pray that we never have to go down that route. So we'll see....but I am hopeful and facing my fears head on!

The only thing I am nervous about is the side effects possibly with the medicine. Also the changes of multiple births is quite high but if that happens, I will deal with it when I need to deal with it. I am okay with twins or even triplets if that is what is meant to happen.

Off to do some research and watch Youtube videos on how to properly inject myself.

Jetlagged!

Well it's been a little over 3 weeks since I have written. I wanted to write while in Europe but never really got a chance to be online very long plus my time was limited. But it worked out better that way....I avoided anything I could to remind me of what I was going through. It helped a lot to not think about infertility and just enjoy my time with Hsien.

While on vacation, I had two friends tell me their wonderful news that they are both expecting. I will be honest, I took it very hard and there were days I sulked and obsessed about it but really I am happy for them. And for my dear friend who has been supportive of me since the beginning of all this who is pregnant, please don't take anything I write personally. I am truly happy for you and love that you will be a Mom. You are so lucky and I want to live vicariously through you until your due date ;) I don't want anyone to think I am mad or upset...I truly am happy although I do have my moments, but it's nothing personal. The good news is, I am going to be an Auntie again! My Sister in Law had a successful IUI and is pregnant again...due in June! Yeahhh! My niece Cora is going to be a big sister. I am happy for my SIL. She has been through a lot with infertility and she has been a wonderful support system for me since we are going through similar situations.

On that note, this is a very exciting and probably very stressful and emotional month for me. I have my first IUI probably right around Thanksgiving. I have an Injections class I am taking tomorrow at Kaiser where they will teach me how to give myself shot injections. Fun...so fun...not! So not looking forward to that part but if it helps me to achieve my dreams, so be it. Anxiously awaiting my period so I can get a definite date on when the IUI is and plan around that. I hope it dosen't fall on Thanksgiving...ugh! Good thoughts...gotta keep thinking good thoughts. Hopefully this one time procedure will do it for us! I really really hope!!

I keep having thoughts and dreams that we have triplets...OMG....can you even imagine that??!! Crazy thoughts I know. I don't know how the heck I would handle all of that Ha! Ha!

So I'm back...probably will be posting a lot since much of this stuff will come pretty fast. Trying not to think too much into the months ahead and hoping this IUI just magically makes it happen so we don't have to save more money and go broke while trying to be parents. In the meantime, I will relish in the idea of being an Auntie again and supporting my currently pregnant friends the best I can! =)

Positive changes

Well....if you haven't noticed....I changed the name of my blog from "I am Infertile" to "I am Incomplete". Infertile seems so final and harsh. I need to get away from that negative mindset and focus on the positive in my situation. I am tired of bringing myself down and it's not good for me or my health.

This might be my last blog for a while...we are leaving tomorrow for a much needed long vacation to Europe until Oct 31st. This will give us time to decompress and not think about "life" and well...who knows! Maybe it's what we needed all along. I won't think about it too much but I am thinking positive! It was like the moment I heard about a friend who was newly pregnant or a friend who just had a baby....I had a meltdown. It's not my intention to feel this way but I can't help but think how unfair it is to me...but hey...life isn't fair and having this be easy is not the path intended for my life, I guess. I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine. She has been married for 10 years (I was in her wedding) and she has been trying to concieve for about 7 years. They have had no luck and have had many IVFs. Her advice to me was to not let the stress get to me. Believe that it will happen and it will! I am not sure why her saying that made more of a difference to me then others, but it helped. I think it's because she has "been there" and is someone dealing with infertility that it sort of resonates in me more because she has experienced it as well. I am going to take her advice to heart and do the best I can to remain positive and not get worked up about this. When I return from my trip, I plan to continue my Tues night meditation, get back into dance on Monday nights and do yoga on Thursdays and maybe another time. It will be good for my soul and to keep busy with taking care of myself at the same time. I feel good about this transition.

Another thing I need to realize, is how damn lucky I am in my life. Really...I am! I have worked hard for everything I have but I am truly fortunate in so many ways. I thought hard about what I would really want to change about my life if I could and I only came up with two things:

1) to get pregnant and be a Mommy to 2 beautiful kids
2) have better toenails
3) not be so moody

Seriously...that was all I could come up with. So see...my life isn't that bad! I have so many people around me (including my brother) going through a divorce that I am really fortunate that I have the relationship that I have. Hsien is sooo awesome and everyday I count my blessings to be married to him. We are committed and respectful to each other and if I have it my way, we'll be together forever! Also after volunteering at the 3-Day walk, I met so many men and women who had cancer at one time in their life and I think how sad it was for them and how fortunate I am to be cancer-free!! I just have so much to be thankful for....I really cannot complain! I think of it this way...if I really want to be a Mom and I cannot do it from my own body, I will adopt...simple as that! I will try and try until I can give no more and then go to the adoption agency and pick out the cutest kid in the bunch ;) or maybe two! Who knows! We'll see where life takes us!

So as you (and I) can see...I am not infertile...I am just incomplete! Waiting for that missing puzzle piece in my life find me! xoxo

Pity Party

Throwing myself a pity party right now. This is right around the time of my cycle when my emotions are at their most high....usually a week before my period is expected. Not sure if it's a hormone thing or me just knowing that my period is coming so I get extra bitchy....who knows but I hate it!

On top of that....two friends had babies today and I found out another friend is pregnant. My heart is breaking...although I am super happy for all of them...I still feel sad. Why can't it be me? What did I ever do wrong? Why can't I be a Mom too? *sigh*

For the most part this month I have been soooo good not obsessing about it and the break has been nice. I know this upcoming vacation will do me some good as well.

I had a Reiki session tonight with Kate and she told me that after not seeing her for a month that I still remained very balanced. She seemed surprised so that made me feel better. My energy is holding on strong!

And you know, I feel bad and I feel sad but in the whole picture I do still realize how fortunate I am. Hsien and I crewed for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk this weekend and it totally humbled me. I met women who were as young as 29 who had/have breast cancer. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself! I have nothing to complain about compared to what they are going through! I have to realize that.

I also had a realization that what if none of the fertility treatments work or the option to adopt is not available, could I really be okay not being a mother? I thought about it and if I had Hsien by my side everyday, I think I could be okay, eventually. I think I could find peace in knowing that I would never be a mother although I would never fully accept it (and i know if I wanted to be a mother--it could happen!)

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and that went well. It will be my last one for a while since we are leaving for Europe. I am still trying to believe that it's helping me...I just don't know if it is or not. I need to give it time but it's costing me a lot of money. It's one of those things....you just don't know!

So many emotions running through my head this week. Hopefully once I get on that plane, I can truly enjoy myself and my life and hold off on obsessing about all of this until after we get home ;)

"I Love you, Mom"

I came across this amazing song that speaks about exactly what I am going through. I am not a country fan but hearing the words in this song helped me to get past that. Here are the lyrics to the song......

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Wow...so many of it resonates in me. I cry when I hear the song. I decided to make a CD of Inspirational songs that remind me of what I am going through. I enjoy listening to the playlist in the car. It helps me to reflect and think and even though I cry through most of the CD, it helps to put things into perspective for me.

Last week, I had a chance to talk to Hsien's sister. She went through something similar as myself and it's easy to talk to her. She dosen't open up to many people but I am glad she feels she can be honest and open with me. Probably because I am with her. I am not afraid to express my feelings and get advice and help from someone who has experienced it. Talking with her I found out that she had high FSH as well! I had no idea! She said the doctors didn't find anything else wrong with her except high FSH and also not having a period regularly. It gives me hope that maybe...just maybe....one IUI will do the trick like it did for her. I can only hope and pray that it's that simple. I am going to surprise her and send her a CD of the songs that I put together.

Last night was a wonderful meditation session with Paul and Kate! I had one friend who was there with me and that was nice. She really got a chance to open up and cry which made me cry as well. Paul had us do this exercise where you take a card from a pile that he had in his hand. You don't see the card when picking it. The card I picked last night was so close to my heart that I couldn't believe it. When I turned the card over, the whole group had their mouth wide open. It was unbelievable. The card had on it a person (who later I revealed felt like myself) holding a giant egg in their hands. I was holding it in a gently protective way. The look on my face was very motherly and peaceful and proud. There was also colorful blue and purple crystals in the head area. To me it looked like light was coming from the top of my head and reflecting through the crystals as a beautiful aura around me. It was such an amazing card...I wish I had taken it home with me ;) It was absolutely too perfect for what I am going through right now.

The break I chose has been pretty good for me. I feel more at peace now with my infertility. I am now focusing on everything else around me and it has been one less thing to stress about. I am glad I am not focusing on it as much and enjoying the present life I have now. I am looking forward to November but for now I will enjoy everything I have right now. I still get moments of sadness and uncertainty but they pass more quickly then they did before.

Wow! Who knew??!!

I reached out to a few more friends that I adore that I wanted to share my story with and the responses have been beyond overwhelming! Oh my God! I had no idea how loved I was =) I truly am so lucky and blessed to have such AMAZING women in my life. That is the great thing about my friends...we are all bonded by something...family is important to all of us. Maybe some of us want kids, maybe some of us don't...but we all relate in some way to the struggles of infertility. We know how hard it is to not have a family. I really am glad I shared....I really am! I was a bit nervous and scared about doing it. In fact, I avoided my e-mail for most of the day. I wasn't sure what to expect but the responses have been what I needed. I HAVE to share one e-mail from a friend (who I will keep anonymous). Her e-mail touched me so much....it really helped me to know that I have people in my life to support me. Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend,

I feel like I have so much to tell you and I just want to be with you right now and hug you very tight and give you all my love and support and positive energy, all from me to you.

I love you so much Monica; you are a sun, a flower, a beautiful angel sent from God directly to keep an eye on your close ones and I feel so very blessed every time I am with you because I feel loved.
You wrote in your blog that you were lucky to have friends around you; I'm sorry but it is the total opposite. WE are lucky to have YOU as our friend! And my God, have you ever asked yourself why you have so many friends you can count on? easy, it's because you show people and the world how to love and how to be the best friend anybody could wish for. You unconditionally love and that is a very hard quality to find nowdays...

I kept reading your posts and I started to cry (at work) because you simply do not deserve this struggle and it made me feel so powerless... I want to help so badly and yet, there is nothing I can really do but pray and to me that is not good enough because you deserve so much better from me, your friend, so it saddens me...

I'm not writing this to make you feel better or just to throw nice words to you, I'm writing this because that's what I deeply feel in my heart and I want you to know it. You always get to know what people truly feel in the hardest times, right?

I know that you and Hsien will make it happen and I know you two will ultimately be the happiest couple with a blessing baby.

Monica, if you ever need anything, talk, hang out, shop, spa, coffee, movie, anything, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to call me or email me. I will always be there for you...

Be strong and keep on smiling, beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow...I am still crying over this. Do I have awesome friends or what??!!! Sometimes it's nice to hear things like this from people because you never really sometimes know how they feel about you. Almost every response I got today was like this. Warms my little heart!

I have SO much more to talk about....I spoke with my Sister-in-Law today for a long time over the phone about everything going on with us. I will update more later though. It's been a long day and I am headed to bed.

Thank you for reading this....I love you!

Being honest

Ahhhhhh....I finally opened up to a few more people *waving! Hi ladies!* I'm nervous because I was so vulnerable to do that but I feel like I have to. I have so much pent up nerves that are just busting at the seams! Maybe I will get more advice...maybe more encouragement....maybe just a sense of relief that I can get through this with good friends. I really am very lucky for the people in my life. I have been making more of an effort to spend time with people who DO matter most. It's really the only way I can get through all this craziness.

Today was a better day...I cried only once. *woohooo* That is a huge accomplishment for me! I went to the acupuncturist who gave me words of encouragement. She told me not to be frustrated that the therapy hasn't worked yet. Eventually she said that everything will add up and align itself when it's suppose to happen *sigh* I hope so...it's not happening soon enough ;) It's really good for me to see her. She really listens and cares and wants me to be a Mom.

I've drank wine and coffee the past few days....it was very liberating! Almost sinful but I feel like I need to do this and take the break!

Hsien has still been my rock and super supportive through this whole thing. He is glad I am taking this break but also very encouraging. He counts my cycles more then me! Ha! Ha! Always asking me what day I am on ;) Ready set go! I think he still has faith that we can do this without help...I am glad one of us is optomistic! I just choose to be a realist about all of this. I hate to be skeptical but it's the only way to protect my feelings and emotions these days.

Thanks for reading tonight!

Having one of those days

Yep....it's one of those days where I have been throwing myself a Pity Party. I hate when I get in that type of mood. Even though it's not true...I just feel like no one "gets it" with me. Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me and swoon and give me attention...who knows but the reactions I get from "some" people (not all) is just not what I want to hear. I just feel so not optomistic about any of this. Part of me feels like I will go through all of these IVF treatments left with nothing. I've felt rejected so much lately that I can't even imagine something positive even happening. I want a baby so bad that it's just really wearing on me. I have so much to look forward to with this Europe vacation that I just can't even be excited about it. I can't wait for it to be over so that in November I can get the ball started with the treatments. Sad huh?

I can't imagine my life without being a Mom...except that part of me dreads that it might never ever happen for us. I hate this feeling. I always told myself that the biggest pain in my life is knowing I could never have children...and I just feel like it's come true.

I really hope all of this heartache, sadness and $$$$$ is worth it one day.....

A Breathe of fresh air

Making the decision to step back from all of this infertility stuff has surprisingly not been as hard as I thought. I do still cry...a lot! Friday I cried and it felt good. I do most of my crying in my car when I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of love loss. It's okay though....I remind myself that it's okay to cry because what I am going through is like losing a loved one. Eventually the happy times will come.

Hsien and I had a really good talk on Thursday night...so happy about that! He told me not to worry about money because he dosen't. That struck me as a good thing and he is on board with whatever we need to do to become parents. I asked him if he wanted to do all of this stuff or just go straight into adoption. He said he wanted to try first for a child that was biologically from us. If that didn't work out, adoption would be fine too! So either way...in some way...Hsien and I are going to be parents in the future.

I truly am so lucky to have Hsien in my life. I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster and he is just so calm and level headed. We really do make a great team. I need to appreciate him more and not take him for granted. I decided to hug and kiss him more and show how much he means to me more. Not that I wasn't before but I think I should kiss him every night before bed and when we wake up to remind myself of how lucky I got!

This really has been a good weekend. I have had so much positive feedback on here from dear friends that it's overwhelmind. I am truly blessed. I also got a chance to talk to someone whom I have considered my best friend for so many years. Her and I have not been as close as we should for a while now. I am glad we talked and got out all of our feelings. I feel like the walls are coming down and that is a wonderful thing. I plan to share this blog with her soon. Love you so much B.S. (those are her initials....I am not saying Bull S#*% Ha! Ha!)

Love is in the air today!

Where is my chill pill?

So today was the day...D Day so to speak. The day the RE was going to tell me my destiny of having a baby. It was a pretty emotional day considering it started off on the wrong foot and just all together a lousy morning. Purely because I let my impatience and frustration get the best of me and take it out on my true love. I feel guilty about that but learning that I need to take a chill pill.

After that morning drama, I got to work and quickly headed out of the office. I could not sit there all day with the things going through my head. I was too emotional and wanted to cry continuously. I started out doing inspections first which I cried inbetween seeing employees, wiping away tears and hoping that no one noticed that I had been crying a minute before. Funny situation...at one stop, I had used the bathroom and was playing with my phone. Well 10 minutes go by and I am 5 miles away and I realize I left my phone there! Ahhhhhhhhh!! I think God was telling me to slow the heck down and relax....chill out! Take it more slowly. I raced back and thank God, the phone was in the bathroom stall, right where I left it. I knew then that I needed to slow down. After that sitaution, I decided to go to the RE appt and get it over with. I cried before I got out of the car and braced myself for what I expected.

I checked in and Dr. D'Amico saw me pretty soon after that. He didn't sugar coat anything. Told me I was pretty much going into pre-menopause and that my eggs currently were not doing there job. I needed help producing more eggs in order to get pregnant. The good news is that the rest of me looks fine....my uterus, tubes, etc are great! My problem is getting pregnant...but more then likely I can probably hold a pregnancy once it happens. Many woman get pregnant quickly, only to miscarry over and over. I can deal with this reality as I would rather have a hard time getting pregnant and then be able to hold it then lose it after finding out. Clomid is out of the question because I already ovulate just fine and don't need help with that. He wants to move forward with IUI first and see how that goes. If that does not work....we need to move straight into IVF. My heart stung hearing those 3 letters. IVF...never ever did I ever believe that I would ever get to this point. I cried of course but he told me that if I was open to all of the options available that getting pregnant would happen. I even asked about donor eggs and he was glad I was open to that. He dosen't think it will be something I will have to come to but was glad I was open to it. We will try this first with my own eggs and hope for the best.

I signed up for an injections class for November 2nd. I informed him that I was leaving for 3 weeks and that it would probably be best to wait until after. He thought that was a good idea and I am happy that I am waiting. It will give me time to think and take a break for a while before we dive into shots and hormones. I am going to get fat and I hate that....but if I want to be a mother, I have to make these sacrifices.

So that is where I am at this point. I made a decision to take a break from testing my ovulation, taking my temperature...whatever I am doing to track my periods. It's all going in a box until we get back from our trip. I am going to stop obsessing about this whole getting pregnant thing. I am learning that it is out of my control and I need to stop making myself stir crazy with testing and thinking about it. It will be really good for me to do this. I will no longer read books or online articles about infertility until we get back from our trip. I have books that need to be read that are not about infertility and I am going to enjoy each one!

It's sad but I need to face this head on. I need to talk to Hsien because it's going to involve a lot of emotions, help with shots and money. I stress so much about money....purely because the way I was raised. We have the money for the IVF...that is not the problem. It's the fact that we will have to pay maybe up to $25,000 to even get pregnant. It's hard to understand and swallow that doing this will cost us what a new car costs when people every single day get pregnant without even thinking about it. But I need to realize that this is MY destiny and not my friends or another persons. Just because they got pregnant easily does not mean it will happen for me. I need to be thankful for everything else I have...a home, a job and a great husband who loves me. I have more then most. I have the capability of being a Mom in any capacity I choose. The option is there...it will just take time and money but it will happen and I have to realize that. Life isn't easy. Maybe this is a lesson God is teaching me...that I take life for granted too much. Now I have something in front of me totally out of my control and I need to accept this and do what I need to do without getting upset, made or frustrated. It will not make this situation any easier!

I am going to unwind now....hopefully get a chance to talk to Hsien about all of this. xoxox