IUI this summer?

Well it looks like possibly we will be going down the RE route again this summer. Not getting my hopes up because it all depends on an inheritance from my Grandmother. I probably should not even be putting all of my eggs into one basket because I really have no idea how much we will be getting but hoping to know soon and be able to move forward with treatments. I took it upon myself to get my Day 3 FSH blood test done. I was actually sort of pleasantly surprised! In Sept 2010, it was 15 something...today it was 16.7. Not great that it went up but I was really expecting in the 20s or higher. Of course my OB e-mails me back about my results and says "Due to your high FSH level, please contact the REI department". No shit? Really? LOL! So if we do get an inheritance, I will be using that money towards an IUI or hopefully more then one if it's needed. I know that is what Grandma would want for us and if all works out I would like to incorporate her name Kay into my child's name....Grandma are you up there listening??!! I don't want to get too excited because we might not even be getting anything as far as an inheritance. In that case, we would not be able to move on until I at least have a job and we can pay for it. My husband is okay with this. He told me last night that he was perfectly content with just Brandon but to me I feel like I need to give Brandon a sibling...I don't know. It's just my crazy mind playing games with me again. I also bought some ovulation sticks and we will be tracking my ovulation steadily until we start fertility treatments. Gah! I hate all of this....why can't I be like ALL of my friends who get knocked up so quickly. Hardly seems fair and I hate that I feel so bitter and angry about it and I hate that I take it out on them indirectly. They complain about pregnancy symptoms and diabetes test....they really have NO IDEA what a complaint is...I'll give you a complaint! Grrr! See here I go again with my jealous rage...I hate this!!! I hate when people don't understand and make stupid comments. Excited to be doing the March of Dimes March for Babies walk in honor of my son and his sisters in Heaven. I have raised over $2000 and really proud of myself for pursuing such a great cause and fundraising like I have. Hopefully I can do it next year as well! http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4107762&ct=4&w=5242062&u=MoniKat314 I'll keep you updated on our journey this summer....really really hoping that this will all work out for us!!

Another IUI this summer?

Well it looks like possibly we will be going down the RE route again this summer. Not getting my hopes up because it all depends on an inheritance from my Grandmother. I probably should not even be putting all of my eggs into one basket because I really have no idea how much we will be getting but hoping to know soon and be able to move forward with treatments. I took it upon myself to get my Day 3 FSH blood test done. I was actually sort of pleasantly surprised! In Sept 2010, it was 15 something...today it was 16.7. Not great that it went up but I was really expecting in the 20s or higher. Of course my OB e-mails me back about my results and says "Due to your high FSH level, please contact the REI department". No shit? Really? LOL! Really sucks to be 37 and know that your body is in pre-menopause. So if we do get an inheritance, I will be using that money towards an IUI or hopefully more then one if it's needed. I know that is what Grandma would want for us and if all works out I would like to incorporate her name Kay into my child's name....Grandma are you up there listening??!! I don't want to get too excited because we might not even be getting anything as far as an inheritance. In that case, we would not be able to move on until I at least have a job and we can pay for it. My husband is okay with this. He told me last night that he was perfectly content with just Brandon but to me I feel like I need to give Brandon a sibling...I don't know. It's just my crazy mind playing games with me again. I also bought some ovulation sticks and we will be tracking my ovulation steadily until we start fertility treatments. Gah! I hate all of this....why can't I be like ALL of my friends who get knocked up so quickly. Hardly seems fair and I hate that I feel so bitter and angry about it and I hate that I take it out on them indirectly. They complain about pregnancy symptoms and diabetes test....they really have NO IDEA what a complaint is...I'll give you a complaint! Grrr! See here I go again with my jealous rage...I hate this!!! I hate when people don't understand and make stupid comments. Excited to be doing the March of Dimes March for Babies walk in honor of my son and his sisters in Heaven. I have raised over $2000 and really proud of myself for pursuing such a great cause and fundraising like I have. Hopefully I can do it next year as well! http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4107762&ct=4&w=5242062&u=MoniKat314 I'll keep you updated on our journey this summer....really really hoping that this will all work out for us!!

6 months ago...

Well my little miracle Brandon is 6 months old now! Unbelievable! I cannot believe that it's been 6 months since that little man decided that it was showtime! My little 3 lb baby born at 35 weeks old, is now big and thriving at 15 lbs 7 oz and 24.5 inches long! He is just perfect! It feels like just yesterday but then it also feels like he has been with us forever...well in our hearts he has been with us forever I guess. I can't believe that I am really a Mom! Something we fought tooth and nail for, paid so much money for, went through more heartache then anyone should be allowed to go through and I have this perfect little man laying next to me. Life is good...I am still not working and enjoy time I have with Brandon. I am planning to start my job search in July after our two week trip to the East Coast. As much as I would love to be with him forever, I know it's time for me to get back into the working world! My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since Brandon was 5 weeks old. I guess technically really when he was 3.5 months old when I got my period again. Been tracking my cycles and next month once my period arrives, my doctor has schedule me a blood test on Day 3 to test my FSH level. I am not expecting anything great but this test will basically tell me if we should continue to keep tryiing on our own or if we should stop wasting our time and go straight into fertillity treatments again. *sigh* It's heartbreaking every month when my period comes...another month gone by with no pregnancy while everyone around me tries for a few months and BAM they are pregnant. I am so happy for these friends but I won't lie...I am beyond jealous! I have my cry for a bit and move on. I am also so grateful that they are never a part of that crappy club called Infertility. I guess I was the chosen "lucky" one to go through not only infertility but baby loss too. I harbor a lot of resentment over this still and I think I always will. Maybe, just maybe if we get pregnant on our own and I have an easier pregnancy, I might be able to get through these feelings but right now, I get so angry over it. Maybe I am just stubborn and feel like infertility has won when really I have my beautiful son...so I have won! Ugh! I dunno....if you are infertile like me, you'll get what I am saying. Enjoying our beautiful weather right now, doing Strollerfit classes and doing lots to lose weight! I am already back to my pre-pregnancy weight and have about 10 more pounds to lose that I gained through all those fertility shots I took. I am looking forward to looking great this summer (and who knows...maybe I will get pregnant! A girl can dream right?)

One year ago and a 5 month old!

It's amazing to me to think that a year ago, I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had received the call from my NP on March 7th that I was pregnant! That day was so surreal and I don't think I had been so excited ever in my life. I was also told my Beta number was high so I was concerned but decided to just roll with it. Little did I know that three weeks later, I would have my first ultrasound and have triplets in my belly! Crazy to think HOW MUCH has happened this past year....to go from two failed IUIs, to one that finally worked, to being pregnant with triplets, losing one of the babies at over 5 months pregnant, losing the second one at almost 8 months pregnant, delivering my son earlier then anticipated, him being small at 3 lbs 11 oz, NICU time...and now here I am! This 5 month old perfect little boy! Amazing! I am still surprised that I survived all of this! Many ups and downs...and hoping that this coming year allows us much happiness and a lot less sorrow and chaos.

I am enjoying life so much right now! I got laid off from my last employer of 10 years which truly was a blessing in disguise. I talk to my old boss still and the stories she tells me are crazy....I don't think I could have dealt with that job anymore and with having Brandon. I know some other job will find me...maybe I am destined to do great things and maybe my experiences will lead me to that new career. But for now I am enjoying every moment of time with Brandon. Money has been tight but we are surviving. I keep telling my husband that me not working will not be forever. I have been working since I was 16 and have never been laid off in my life. I think I am due for some time with my son and who knows....this may be the only child I have and I do not want to pass this opportunity by!

Brandon is doing really well! He will be 5 months on the 14th of March. He is growing so well and catching up to the rest of the world. He is still smaller on the height then most babies, but his weight is average and his head believe it or not is above average! Hoping he just has a big smart brain in there. He is a really good baby for the most part. Sleeps really well, eats really well, happy and loves to be out of the house. We take him every where!

Still hoping that a miracle will happen and we will get pregnant on our own. Anything is possible right? I turn 37 this week and although it's not old, it's just scary to think that another year is passing me by. I would LOVE to have two kids but if we have only Brandon, I am lucky and grateful. That is more then most people I know who do not have any children.

That is my little update!

Love you all....never give up! I am glad I didn't because here I am today with this beautiful little man!

xoxox Monica

Brandon is 3 months old!

It has been way too long since I wrote in my Blog!

I can't believe I gave birth to my beautiful little guy 3 months ago! I look at him in awe every day just still so surprised that he belongs to us forever and that nothing could ever break our bond. I am so truly in love with him! He is now 11 lbs and catching up with the rest of the world.

Things are going really well as a Mom! It's nice to hear people tell me that I adjusted to Motherhood really well and that it suits me. Took me a while to get to this point of being 36 years old, but I am finally a Mama!

Brandon is a really good baby...and I am not just saying that. He really is! He sleeps through the night, hardly fuses and just great to take out and be around people. Nothing bothers him or phases him. I don't mean to rub it in that he is good because I know a lot of my dear friends struggle with their babies sleeping habits and crying but I think after everything I have been through with losing my daughters, I feel like this was meant to be.

Speaking of, I am still seeing my therapist and working on my issues of losing my daughters. It has been 6 months since I lost Grace and 4 months since I lost Naomi. I still cry every day...mostly in the shower and it helps me to get those raw feelings out and get on with my day. I was finally brave enough to order their box for their ashes and excited to pick it up on Monday. It's a silver jewelry box that plays "It's a Wonderful World" when you open it. On the front it says "Too beautiful for Earth" Grace 7/13/11 Naomi 9/14/11. I will give it to Brandon and that will be his gift from us when he is old enough to understand. It was really hard for me to order it since the young gal placing my order at the store asked me about it...I held back tears but proud that I finally felt strong enough to do this! I still suffer from extreme jealousy but I think when you are infertile that it stays with you forever. I try to be happy for my friends that get pregnant so easily and have a flawless pregnancy but it's hard. Why can't that be me? What did I do wrong in my life that I can't get pregnant on my own and on top of that lose two precious babies along the way. Talk about lots of bad luck! Things never seem to go easy for me....but I am hoping that will change now with Brandon.

I am living the life of a SAHM and so far I LOVE IT! I got laid off from my last employer that I had been with for 10 years. It was truly a blessing in disguise and using the time to bond with Brandon until the next job finds me. Not sure how long I plan to be home with him but for now, I am going to enjoy the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had!

Not too much else going on! We survived the holidays and it was special to have his first Christmas this year. I remember this time last year how sad and defeated I felt with two failed cycles behind me. Little did I know that my Feb cycle would be giving me the greatest gift of all....triplets...with one living son!