Positive changes

Well....if you haven't noticed....I changed the name of my blog from "I am Infertile" to "I am Incomplete". Infertile seems so final and harsh. I need to get away from that negative mindset and focus on the positive in my situation. I am tired of bringing myself down and it's not good for me or my health.

This might be my last blog for a while...we are leaving tomorrow for a much needed long vacation to Europe until Oct 31st. This will give us time to decompress and not think about "life" and well...who knows! Maybe it's what we needed all along. I won't think about it too much but I am thinking positive! It was like the moment I heard about a friend who was newly pregnant or a friend who just had a baby....I had a meltdown. It's not my intention to feel this way but I can't help but think how unfair it is to me...but hey...life isn't fair and having this be easy is not the path intended for my life, I guess. I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine. She has been married for 10 years (I was in her wedding) and she has been trying to concieve for about 7 years. They have had no luck and have had many IVFs. Her advice to me was to not let the stress get to me. Believe that it will happen and it will! I am not sure why her saying that made more of a difference to me then others, but it helped. I think it's because she has "been there" and is someone dealing with infertility that it sort of resonates in me more because she has experienced it as well. I am going to take her advice to heart and do the best I can to remain positive and not get worked up about this. When I return from my trip, I plan to continue my Tues night meditation, get back into dance on Monday nights and do yoga on Thursdays and maybe another time. It will be good for my soul and to keep busy with taking care of myself at the same time. I feel good about this transition.

Another thing I need to realize, is how damn lucky I am in my life. Really...I am! I have worked hard for everything I have but I am truly fortunate in so many ways. I thought hard about what I would really want to change about my life if I could and I only came up with two things:

1) to get pregnant and be a Mommy to 2 beautiful kids
2) have better toenails
3) not be so moody

Seriously...that was all I could come up with. So see...my life isn't that bad! I have so many people around me (including my brother) going through a divorce that I am really fortunate that I have the relationship that I have. Hsien is sooo awesome and everyday I count my blessings to be married to him. We are committed and respectful to each other and if I have it my way, we'll be together forever! Also after volunteering at the 3-Day walk, I met so many men and women who had cancer at one time in their life and I think how sad it was for them and how fortunate I am to be cancer-free!! I just have so much to be thankful for....I really cannot complain! I think of it this way...if I really want to be a Mom and I cannot do it from my own body, I will adopt...simple as that! I will try and try until I can give no more and then go to the adoption agency and pick out the cutest kid in the bunch ;) or maybe two! Who knows! We'll see where life takes us!

So as you (and I) can see...I am not infertile...I am just incomplete! Waiting for that missing puzzle piece in my life find me! xoxo

Pity Party

Throwing myself a pity party right now. This is right around the time of my cycle when my emotions are at their most high....usually a week before my period is expected. Not sure if it's a hormone thing or me just knowing that my period is coming so I get extra bitchy....who knows but I hate it!

On top of that....two friends had babies today and I found out another friend is pregnant. My heart is breaking...although I am super happy for all of them...I still feel sad. Why can't it be me? What did I ever do wrong? Why can't I be a Mom too? *sigh*

For the most part this month I have been soooo good not obsessing about it and the break has been nice. I know this upcoming vacation will do me some good as well.

I had a Reiki session tonight with Kate and she told me that after not seeing her for a month that I still remained very balanced. She seemed surprised so that made me feel better. My energy is holding on strong!

And you know, I feel bad and I feel sad but in the whole picture I do still realize how fortunate I am. Hsien and I crewed for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk this weekend and it totally humbled me. I met women who were as young as 29 who had/have breast cancer. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself! I have nothing to complain about compared to what they are going through! I have to realize that.

I also had a realization that what if none of the fertility treatments work or the option to adopt is not available, could I really be okay not being a mother? I thought about it and if I had Hsien by my side everyday, I think I could be okay, eventually. I think I could find peace in knowing that I would never be a mother although I would never fully accept it (and i know if I wanted to be a mother--it could happen!)

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and that went well. It will be my last one for a while since we are leaving for Europe. I am still trying to believe that it's helping me...I just don't know if it is or not. I need to give it time but it's costing me a lot of money. It's one of those things....you just don't know!

So many emotions running through my head this week. Hopefully once I get on that plane, I can truly enjoy myself and my life and hold off on obsessing about all of this until after we get home ;)