I tested today...got a NOT PREGNANT result. I figured that much...I didn't set myself up too much but it was still hard to see it. I really was hoping I was going to be wrong. But alas, another month and no pregnancy. I cried a lot today. It was hard to be at work but I did the best I could by distracting myself although I had a few moments of tears. When I went to pick up Hsien at work, I had a while to myself in the car and I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. My face is so swollen right now.
Never will I understand why this is not happening for me....I guess good things don't happen to good people. It's like God and the Universe hate me and doing what they can to punish me. I am sticking my middle fingers up at the Universe right now. Why do some have it so easy and for us it's difficult. It is so not fair...we are so deserving of being parents while these snot-faced teenage bitches get pregnant without even thinking about it.
Still waiting on my period to come. I am pretty sure it's going to be here tomorrow and then I can confirm it all for sure and call the doctor. I guess I will go for another round of IUI again. Not thrilled but I can't stop now. There goes $2,000 down the drain this month. Again, middle fingers up at the Universe!
I was so pissed off this morning that I kicked the Christmas tree and knocked a lot of ornaments over. I was contemplating about just packing up the damn tree and all the stupid Christmas stuff and putting it away. I won't get what I want for Christmas so who cares. Hsien talked me into putting it back together and keeping the decorations. Maybe I will move out of this funk and the lights and cards will make me smile (doubtful). Really looking forward to the new year starting...2010 has royally sucked donkey balls.
If anything...my boss said I broke a record of using the F word today!
Monica... :-( I know how hard this is for you and Hsien. I'm here for you! (A hundred miles away, lol, but I'm here and you are constantly on my mind and thoughts. I'm glad Hsien talked you into to keeping the decor up :) You soooo very much deserve happiness, because you are a extremely kind, loving, and warm-hearted person and friend. Sending a very large hug your way! Love you lots, sue ann
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you are feeling. I not only flip off the universe but often feel like it is returning the gesture. I know there is no way to understand why this happens to good people who deserve to have a child because they will do everything in their power to make that child's life a full and happy one. Don't give up yet and try not to let this ruin your holidays (I know easier said than done). But, most of all remember you are not alone, not even a little bit. If you need to talk just say so!
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