Goodbye 2010!

Dear 2010...

You were certainly the year of challenges and tests. I thought 2009 was a rough year with Mom having colon cancer but she beat it quick and is now healthier then ever. I was never more grateful for that blessing.

2010 started our difficult. One of my very good friends Eddie took his own life by gun in his home. So devastating and to this day I will never understand why he did it. He was full of life and love and a good person. He called me "Little Sis" and that meant a lot to me. I finally made peace with his decision to end his life and get on with my life because that is what he wanted I know.

After trying to get pregnant since the summer of 2009, March rolled around and I was concerned that it was taking so long. I heard some people say it would take up to 9 months to concieve but at that time I knew something wasn't quite right.

After a weird period in March (which the doctor still believes might have been a miscarriage...I am just not sure honestly what happened!) I decided to find a new Ob/Gyn and start our infertility route. My husband was on board with having a baby and it felt like the right time. Being 35 totally put this whole thing into perspective that I need to start....soon! So over the summer we did all of the tests, analysis', exams, classes, blood tests...whatever the doctor wanted us to do we did. My husband's semen analysis came back great so that was a relief but also made me sad. I knew at that point it was ME causing the trouble we were having. It was hard for me to understand but I decided that I needed to know what was wrong. Tubes were clear, period came regularly, I never had any "womanly" issues until now. My blood tests came back twice in a row that I have High FSH. The doctor diagnosed it as having eggs of a 43 year old woman going into menopause. Was NOT the diagnosis I expected! I did all kinds of research on it....tried accupuncture for 3 months, did herbal supplements, hydro colon cleanses....anything hollistic I could get my hands on I tried. Sadly Eastern Medicine was not working the way I wanted it to. I finally decided I needed to be more aggressive in my journey to become a Mom. We started down the IUI path after a much needed 3 week trip to Europe in October. Was hoping that would clear our heads and help us get pregnant. It didn't but shortly after my return we started the IUI journey.

IUI #1 failed on December 6th. I was hearbroken and lost faith but didn't give up. We decided to start over right away with another IUI...more shots, more pills, more heartache, more money loss out of our bank account.

Right now I am exactly half way through my 2ww and will know Jan 7th. I am not sure what 2011 has in store for us but I hope a kiddo or two is in our future. It would complete me in so many ways. I am tired of this infertility journey already.

Hope 2011 brings all that you desire!!!

xoxox Monica

IUI #2 Part 1

We did our IUI this afternoon! 65 million sperm *High Five to my husband* LOL! Rated excellent. I have two mature follicles. IUI was quick and easy like last time.

We go back again tomorrow morning at 8am to drop another specimen off. We are not too worried since we had 65 million today. Doubt we will even have a third of that tomorrow morning. Then off to breakfast and back 2 hours later for part 2!

Getting in the festive Christmas spirit now =D

Slow and Steady

I had another appt on Monday. After Fridays great appt I was feeling hopeful. Unfortunately at that time, my follicles were not growing as big as had hoped. I had 3 follicles....15, 14 and 13 mm. They want them at least at 18 to do the IUI. I felt defeated but my RE suggested waiting on the IUI for later in the week and to continue the double dose of Menopur. So I went back to the pharmacy to spend another $300 for 2 days of shots. Ugh!

Luckily though at my ultrasound today, my follicles responded very well to the extra few days of Menopur. I had one follicle at 19.5mm and the other at 17 which is awesome! Those were the two biggest and probably will produce eggs. This is great since I only had one last month at 18mm. My lining was at 10 which is good and the NP said my lining and uterus look very happy and ready! Yeah!!

We decided to spend the extra money and do back to back IUIs. The NP said it only gives us an extra 5% advantage but we decided to just go for it. We have two really great follicles and better to increase our chances on this great cycle.

I took my trigger shot tonight at 7pm. The trigger shot forces ovulation in the next few hours. My first IUI is Thursday at 4:30pm and then again on Friday at 10am. I was so stressed about how things would fit in this week. It all fell into place and worked out perfectly! Thursday we can do the sperm sample at home and drive to Kaiser to drop it off for washing. Then we come back at 4:30pm which gives us the whole day to be at work. Then Friday we will go again to the clinic at 8am with the sperm to have it washed, have some breakfast and come back at 10am to do the IUI. This gives us plenty of time to stop back at the house to pick up the gifts and to get to my Dad's early enough. Plus I was able to have a co-worker work for me on Friday so I didn't have to worry about coming to work on Friday and just focus on the IUI. Hooray!!! I feel so happy!

I have my lucky Christmas socks lined up for both days and my orange undies for both IUIs. I have read that wearing orange underwear for your treatments opens up the fertility chakras. I found some cute orange ones at Target last night. I got so lucky since I wasn't sure I would find orange during this season. Yeah!!

Just hoping for the best on Thurs and Fri. At least I will be going through the holidays with hope and faith. Even if it dosen't work out, I can still have a smile on my face knowing that it all worked out.

Jumped the gun...again!!

I know we have all done this....self-diagnosed ourselves and then jump to conclusions and upset ourselves and only make things worst...right? I did that today and I feel so stupid!

After Mondays letdown I was already telling myself that this cycle was going to be a bust. My body was not reacting well to Femara and so the Menopur wasn't working as well as it usually does. My RE doubled my injections of Menopur to make up for lost time basically. Frustrated but went along with it. Today I had an ultrasound scheduled to see how my follicles were doing. They tested my estradiol before 8am this morning. I got the results back via e-mail about 1pm and it was 181. I remember the last time my estradiol was over 300 so I was BUMMED! I kept telling myself that this whole thing was a waste of time and saying all of these really awful things like "IUI is a joke"..."My RE is an idiot"..."I am broken"...just thinking all these hateful things. My husband called me on my way to the RE appt and I was bawling on the phone with him. Poor guy...he could only muster the words "I am so sorry" to me. Told him I would call him after the appt. Walked into the doctor's today with tears in my eyes.

See the RE and tell her that I am bummed when she asks how I am doing. Told her I saw my estradiol lab results so I am pretty sure this cycle is a bust. She tells me that I beat her to the results and what they were. When I told her 181, she looked at me and said "That's pretty good! We want over 100!". Wow what a relief to hear those words! What was I even thinking that I had to be over 300?! Not even sure why I came up with that. So she checked my follicles via u/s and there were the three most beautiful things I ever saw....THREE FOLLICLES at 10-12 mm!!!!! Yeahhhhh! My lining at 7.7 which was great she said. She wants me to continue the high dose of Menopur and is pretty certain that I will have at least 2-3 mature follicles ready to go comes time for the IUI next week. OMG! I was estatic after the appt...I was skipping and smiley. YES!!!! I go back in for an ultrasound on Monday and they will let me know when to do my trigger shot. Looks like Tues afternoon or Wed is my IUI!! Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!

I even bought Christmas socks today....I plan to wear them during my IUI! ;)

Shots in the Car

I had an ultrasound appt today to see how my body was responding to Femara and the Menopur this month. What a letdown...my body was responding poorly. My estradiol level was 58 and it's Day 7. Last time around this time it was about 130 so it's wayyy below what it should be. The RE was concerned and not happy. She cancelled the ultrasound because she didn't want to waste my money because there wouldn't be anything to see. I guess Femara was not a good thing for me to take. So irriated because I did not like the way Femara made me feel....itchy and last night when I was changing into my pajamas, I noticed that the tips of my nipples were WHITE! (not a discharge but the nipple itself!) Freaked me out! Luckily I pushed on them and they came back to the normal color but crap!

So anyways....she has totally doubled my dose of Menopur. Told me to take 225ui as soon as I left her office and to take another 225ui tonight. She wants me to take 150ui every morning and 225ui every night until Friday morning when she checks my estradiol level again. She wanted me to go home to do the shots but I couldn't leave. I had carpooled with my husband that day and he wasn't ready to go until at least 5:30pm and my appt ended about 3pm. So after I picked up the Menopur at the pharmacy, I just gave myself the shot in my car. I had no other way. I wasn't going to do it at work in the bathroom or in the parking lot because the last thing I need right now is for a co-worker to see me giving myself a shot. It worked out...quick and I am a pro at this now anyways. Was a little worried that I had no alcohol to clean but oh well!

So frustrated....I just feel totally set back right now. Trying not to get discouraged because there is still time to get my eggs to mature. I guess I won't freak out until I see her Friday afternoon for my appt. No more Femara and hoping the double dose of Menopur does the trick.

And of course when I went to pay for my Menopur, the pharmacy clerk rings me up and says "Wow this is a lot!". I wanted to tell her "NO SHIT!" but I just mumbled "I don't wish this on anyone". She asked me "What?" and I told her "Nevermind" because I was about to cry. I left and let myself cry in the car. Thank God my husband assured me to not worry about the money and to follow what our doctor says. It's out of our control and no point in getting upset. It's hard for me not to ...thank God he makes me feel better.

Was really hoping to occupy my time and do Christmas cards tonight but of course those didn't come in the mail...crap!! By the time they come in the mail, it will be too late. So irriatated!!!

Okay I am done venting for now. Just hoping this whole cycle is not a total waste of time.

IUI #2

Look at what Santa brought me today? hehehe I thought it would be funny to leave it under the tree until Hsien gets home. It's our Christmas present this year ;)

Well after dreaded AF came, I knew I had a choice. I could either get upset and freak out or I could accept it and move on. I decided to accept it and move on. I don't have to like it or be nice but I will accept this and try again. I am not a quitter and I can move on.

Had an appt today with my NP Debbie. It was weird being back at her office again since the last time I was there it was my IUI with Hsien and we both felt so hopeful and happy. Was hoping I would not have to come back to that clinic not pregnant. I was in the room and Debbie walked in with a frown face on. I told her not to be sad for me because I would start crying. She promised then to smile and no tears. We did an ultrasound and found some follicles. She had a hard time seeing them today so I didn't get an exact count but there were a few there growing. She asked me to get dressed and then meet her in her office.

She decided that since my body only made one follicle last cycle, she wants to be more aggressive. We will do a continued higher dose of Menopur and also include Femara for 5 days. She will have me do this until Monday to see how my follicles grow. I have a blood test Monday morning and then an ultrasound Monday afternoon to see how things have progressed. Hopefully really great! When I was leaving, Debbie gave me a big hug and I am glad. I teared up a bit because she really does care. I know she wants us to get pregnant and doing everything she can possibly to get us there. We are going super aggressive this month and hoping that it really does work. I get weighed every time I go to my appt and I hate that. I try to close my eyes but they always tell me my weight. It's going up but I know its from the meds and retaining water and that's okay. I am not obsessing over it...it is what it is and as long as I can still fit into my pants, I am doing okay. I might have to buy some more stretch pants because the Menopur made me super dooper bloated last time that I couldn't button my jeans. It's weird seeing it so bloated. The only other side effect is that I am breaking out in acne all over my face. Everyday I have a new big pink zit...blah! My co-worker keeps mentioning it because I usually have nice skin. She told me it was because I am eating too much chocolate LOL! I keep telling her to keep thinking that ;)

I really want to feel motivated to work out more. I took dance last month but the hip hop was just too much for me. My abs were hurting for days after classes and I really need to stop with the ab workouts. Then my other class which is a Jazz class is just too emotionally hard to continue going to. I have a friend in there who is 5 months pregnant and my jealousy takes over me every time I am in class. I can't even focus on the choreography or music. It's like I see her belly and I want to cry. Sooooo I am not sure when I might go back to dance. Taking a break in December since we will be doing the IUI again and my niece is coming. I am thinking maybe January depending on how things go I might take a tap class instead with my friend Jenny who teaches. There is really no ab work and no pregnant ladies to compete with ;)

I am definitely feeling more positive now about this cycle. Still let down from the negative results of the last one though. I feel like we did everything right but my body wasn't ready. Hopefully this time around that all the hormone medication will get us pregnant....or I won't be surprised if I turn into a Unicorn by New Years! ;)

The Universe must hate me

I tested today...got a NOT PREGNANT result. I figured that much...I didn't set myself up too much but it was still hard to see it. I really was hoping I was going to be wrong. But alas, another month and no pregnancy. I cried a lot today. It was hard to be at work but I did the best I could by distracting myself although I had a few moments of tears. When I went to pick up Hsien at work, I had a while to myself in the car and I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. My face is so swollen right now.

Never will I understand why this is not happening for me....I guess good things don't happen to good people. It's like God and the Universe hate me and doing what they can to punish me. I am sticking my middle fingers up at the Universe right now. Why do some have it so easy and for us it's difficult. It is so not fair...we are so deserving of being parents while these snot-faced teenage bitches get pregnant without even thinking about it.

Still waiting on my period to come. I am pretty sure it's going to be here tomorrow and then I can confirm it all for sure and call the doctor. I guess I will go for another round of IUI again. Not thrilled but I can't stop now. There goes $2,000 down the drain this month. Again, middle fingers up at the Universe!

I was so pissed off this morning that I kicked the Christmas tree and knocked a lot of ornaments over. I was contemplating about just packing up the damn tree and all the stupid Christmas stuff and putting it away. I won't get what I want for Christmas so who cares. Hsien talked me into putting it back together and keeping the decorations. Maybe I will move out of this funk and the lights and cards will make me smile (doubtful). Really looking forward to the new year starting...2010 has royally sucked donkey balls.

If anything...my boss said I broke a record of using the F word today!

Posting videos again

I know a few of you asked about the videos I posted on my blog. I am posting them again here so they are easier to find. Enjoy watching them ;)

This is a video of my second day doing my shot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCBQLhqAmq0

This is a video of me right after my IUI procedure talking to Hsien about it (PS..I am half naked hehe)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhPE_S5LbkA

3 more days of waiting....

It's been a while since I wrote. I guess there isn't much to say while I wait and wait and wait for Monday morning to roll around. It's been nice not having to go to any doctor's appts the past 2 weeks though!

Sunday night Hsien and I will be going to Target to buy pregnancy tests...its our little date ;) Monday morning when I wake up, I will test and hope for the best! Not going to beat myself up if it is negative because there is still a chance that I could be but if my period comes, then I know, it's back to the drawing board again this month. Trying not to think about doing that all over again but if I must...I will!

I haven't really felt pregnant but I have had symptoms of things which I am not sure are in my head or are a side effect of the progesterone I am taking twice a day. My breasts are slightly sore, a pimple popped up on my face Sunday, I have had indigestion and lose bowels...just little things. Last night I laid in bed and asked God for a sign....and what i got this morning was waking up to a pimple errupting on my upper lift. Ouch! How is that for a sign? I never get pimples ever....so who knows. Trying not to think too much into things and get my hopes up at all.

I've had a lot of great support from my friends and it really has been a wakeup call for me. Sometimes you have to go through something pretty hard to figure out who cares and who dosen't.

Not sure if I will blog again this weekend unless some momentous event happens. I will be back here on Monday I am sure! ;) Hoping of course to report wonderful news!