"I Love you, Mom"

I came across this amazing song that speaks about exactly what I am going through. I am not a country fan but hearing the words in this song helped me to get past that. Here are the lyrics to the song......

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Wow...so many of it resonates in me. I cry when I hear the song. I decided to make a CD of Inspirational songs that remind me of what I am going through. I enjoy listening to the playlist in the car. It helps me to reflect and think and even though I cry through most of the CD, it helps to put things into perspective for me.

Last week, I had a chance to talk to Hsien's sister. She went through something similar as myself and it's easy to talk to her. She dosen't open up to many people but I am glad she feels she can be honest and open with me. Probably because I am with her. I am not afraid to express my feelings and get advice and help from someone who has experienced it. Talking with her I found out that she had high FSH as well! I had no idea! She said the doctors didn't find anything else wrong with her except high FSH and also not having a period regularly. It gives me hope that maybe...just maybe....one IUI will do the trick like it did for her. I can only hope and pray that it's that simple. I am going to surprise her and send her a CD of the songs that I put together.

Last night was a wonderful meditation session with Paul and Kate! I had one friend who was there with me and that was nice. She really got a chance to open up and cry which made me cry as well. Paul had us do this exercise where you take a card from a pile that he had in his hand. You don't see the card when picking it. The card I picked last night was so close to my heart that I couldn't believe it. When I turned the card over, the whole group had their mouth wide open. It was unbelievable. The card had on it a person (who later I revealed felt like myself) holding a giant egg in their hands. I was holding it in a gently protective way. The look on my face was very motherly and peaceful and proud. There was also colorful blue and purple crystals in the head area. To me it looked like light was coming from the top of my head and reflecting through the crystals as a beautiful aura around me. It was such an amazing card...I wish I had taken it home with me ;) It was absolutely too perfect for what I am going through right now.

The break I chose has been pretty good for me. I feel more at peace now with my infertility. I am now focusing on everything else around me and it has been one less thing to stress about. I am glad I am not focusing on it as much and enjoying the present life I have now. I am looking forward to November but for now I will enjoy everything I have right now. I still get moments of sadness and uncertainty but they pass more quickly then they did before.

Wow! Who knew??!!

I reached out to a few more friends that I adore that I wanted to share my story with and the responses have been beyond overwhelming! Oh my God! I had no idea how loved I was =) I truly am so lucky and blessed to have such AMAZING women in my life. That is the great thing about my friends...we are all bonded by something...family is important to all of us. Maybe some of us want kids, maybe some of us don't...but we all relate in some way to the struggles of infertility. We know how hard it is to not have a family. I really am glad I shared....I really am! I was a bit nervous and scared about doing it. In fact, I avoided my e-mail for most of the day. I wasn't sure what to expect but the responses have been what I needed. I HAVE to share one e-mail from a friend (who I will keep anonymous). Her e-mail touched me so much....it really helped me to know that I have people in my life to support me. Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend,

I feel like I have so much to tell you and I just want to be with you right now and hug you very tight and give you all my love and support and positive energy, all from me to you.

I love you so much Monica; you are a sun, a flower, a beautiful angel sent from God directly to keep an eye on your close ones and I feel so very blessed every time I am with you because I feel loved.
You wrote in your blog that you were lucky to have friends around you; I'm sorry but it is the total opposite. WE are lucky to have YOU as our friend! And my God, have you ever asked yourself why you have so many friends you can count on? easy, it's because you show people and the world how to love and how to be the best friend anybody could wish for. You unconditionally love and that is a very hard quality to find nowdays...

I kept reading your posts and I started to cry (at work) because you simply do not deserve this struggle and it made me feel so powerless... I want to help so badly and yet, there is nothing I can really do but pray and to me that is not good enough because you deserve so much better from me, your friend, so it saddens me...

I'm not writing this to make you feel better or just to throw nice words to you, I'm writing this because that's what I deeply feel in my heart and I want you to know it. You always get to know what people truly feel in the hardest times, right?

I know that you and Hsien will make it happen and I know you two will ultimately be the happiest couple with a blessing baby.

Monica, if you ever need anything, talk, hang out, shop, spa, coffee, movie, anything, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to call me or email me. I will always be there for you...

Be strong and keep on smiling, beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow...I am still crying over this. Do I have awesome friends or what??!!! Sometimes it's nice to hear things like this from people because you never really sometimes know how they feel about you. Almost every response I got today was like this. Warms my little heart!

I have SO much more to talk about....I spoke with my Sister-in-Law today for a long time over the phone about everything going on with us. I will update more later though. It's been a long day and I am headed to bed.

Thank you for reading this....I love you!

Being honest

Ahhhhhh....I finally opened up to a few more people *waving! Hi ladies!* I'm nervous because I was so vulnerable to do that but I feel like I have to. I have so much pent up nerves that are just busting at the seams! Maybe I will get more advice...maybe more encouragement....maybe just a sense of relief that I can get through this with good friends. I really am very lucky for the people in my life. I have been making more of an effort to spend time with people who DO matter most. It's really the only way I can get through all this craziness.

Today was a better day...I cried only once. *woohooo* That is a huge accomplishment for me! I went to the acupuncturist who gave me words of encouragement. She told me not to be frustrated that the therapy hasn't worked yet. Eventually she said that everything will add up and align itself when it's suppose to happen *sigh* I hope so...it's not happening soon enough ;) It's really good for me to see her. She really listens and cares and wants me to be a Mom.

I've drank wine and coffee the past few days....it was very liberating! Almost sinful but I feel like I need to do this and take the break!

Hsien has still been my rock and super supportive through this whole thing. He is glad I am taking this break but also very encouraging. He counts my cycles more then me! Ha! Ha! Always asking me what day I am on ;) Ready set go! I think he still has faith that we can do this without help...I am glad one of us is optomistic! I just choose to be a realist about all of this. I hate to be skeptical but it's the only way to protect my feelings and emotions these days.

Thanks for reading tonight!

Having one of those days

Yep....it's one of those days where I have been throwing myself a Pity Party. I hate when I get in that type of mood. Even though it's not true...I just feel like no one "gets it" with me. Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me and swoon and give me attention...who knows but the reactions I get from "some" people (not all) is just not what I want to hear. I just feel so not optomistic about any of this. Part of me feels like I will go through all of these IVF treatments left with nothing. I've felt rejected so much lately that I can't even imagine something positive even happening. I want a baby so bad that it's just really wearing on me. I have so much to look forward to with this Europe vacation that I just can't even be excited about it. I can't wait for it to be over so that in November I can get the ball started with the treatments. Sad huh?

I can't imagine my life without being a Mom...except that part of me dreads that it might never ever happen for us. I hate this feeling. I always told myself that the biggest pain in my life is knowing I could never have children...and I just feel like it's come true.

I really hope all of this heartache, sadness and $$$$$ is worth it one day.....

A Breathe of fresh air

Making the decision to step back from all of this infertility stuff has surprisingly not been as hard as I thought. I do still cry...a lot! Friday I cried and it felt good. I do most of my crying in my car when I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of love loss. It's okay though....I remind myself that it's okay to cry because what I am going through is like losing a loved one. Eventually the happy times will come.

Hsien and I had a really good talk on Thursday night...so happy about that! He told me not to worry about money because he dosen't. That struck me as a good thing and he is on board with whatever we need to do to become parents. I asked him if he wanted to do all of this stuff or just go straight into adoption. He said he wanted to try first for a child that was biologically from us. If that didn't work out, adoption would be fine too! So either way...in some way...Hsien and I are going to be parents in the future.

I truly am so lucky to have Hsien in my life. I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster and he is just so calm and level headed. We really do make a great team. I need to appreciate him more and not take him for granted. I decided to hug and kiss him more and show how much he means to me more. Not that I wasn't before but I think I should kiss him every night before bed and when we wake up to remind myself of how lucky I got!

This really has been a good weekend. I have had so much positive feedback on here from dear friends that it's overwhelmind. I am truly blessed. I also got a chance to talk to someone whom I have considered my best friend for so many years. Her and I have not been as close as we should for a while now. I am glad we talked and got out all of our feelings. I feel like the walls are coming down and that is a wonderful thing. I plan to share this blog with her soon. Love you so much B.S. (those are her initials....I am not saying Bull S#*% Ha! Ha!)

Love is in the air today!

Where is my chill pill?

So today was the day...D Day so to speak. The day the RE was going to tell me my destiny of having a baby. It was a pretty emotional day considering it started off on the wrong foot and just all together a lousy morning. Purely because I let my impatience and frustration get the best of me and take it out on my true love. I feel guilty about that but learning that I need to take a chill pill.

After that morning drama, I got to work and quickly headed out of the office. I could not sit there all day with the things going through my head. I was too emotional and wanted to cry continuously. I started out doing inspections first which I cried inbetween seeing employees, wiping away tears and hoping that no one noticed that I had been crying a minute before. Funny situation...at one stop, I had used the bathroom and was playing with my phone. Well 10 minutes go by and I am 5 miles away and I realize I left my phone there! Ahhhhhhhhh!! I think God was telling me to slow the heck down and relax....chill out! Take it more slowly. I raced back and thank God, the phone was in the bathroom stall, right where I left it. I knew then that I needed to slow down. After that sitaution, I decided to go to the RE appt and get it over with. I cried before I got out of the car and braced myself for what I expected.

I checked in and Dr. D'Amico saw me pretty soon after that. He didn't sugar coat anything. Told me I was pretty much going into pre-menopause and that my eggs currently were not doing there job. I needed help producing more eggs in order to get pregnant. The good news is that the rest of me looks fine....my uterus, tubes, etc are great! My problem is getting pregnant...but more then likely I can probably hold a pregnancy once it happens. Many woman get pregnant quickly, only to miscarry over and over. I can deal with this reality as I would rather have a hard time getting pregnant and then be able to hold it then lose it after finding out. Clomid is out of the question because I already ovulate just fine and don't need help with that. He wants to move forward with IUI first and see how that goes. If that does not work....we need to move straight into IVF. My heart stung hearing those 3 letters. IVF...never ever did I ever believe that I would ever get to this point. I cried of course but he told me that if I was open to all of the options available that getting pregnant would happen. I even asked about donor eggs and he was glad I was open to that. He dosen't think it will be something I will have to come to but was glad I was open to it. We will try this first with my own eggs and hope for the best.

I signed up for an injections class for November 2nd. I informed him that I was leaving for 3 weeks and that it would probably be best to wait until after. He thought that was a good idea and I am happy that I am waiting. It will give me time to think and take a break for a while before we dive into shots and hormones. I am going to get fat and I hate that....but if I want to be a mother, I have to make these sacrifices.

So that is where I am at this point. I made a decision to take a break from testing my ovulation, taking my temperature...whatever I am doing to track my periods. It's all going in a box until we get back from our trip. I am going to stop obsessing about this whole getting pregnant thing. I am learning that it is out of my control and I need to stop making myself stir crazy with testing and thinking about it. It will be really good for me to do this. I will no longer read books or online articles about infertility until we get back from our trip. I have books that need to be read that are not about infertility and I am going to enjoy each one!

It's sad but I need to face this head on. I need to talk to Hsien because it's going to involve a lot of emotions, help with shots and money. I stress so much about money....purely because the way I was raised. We have the money for the IVF...that is not the problem. It's the fact that we will have to pay maybe up to $25,000 to even get pregnant. It's hard to understand and swallow that doing this will cost us what a new car costs when people every single day get pregnant without even thinking about it. But I need to realize that this is MY destiny and not my friends or another persons. Just because they got pregnant easily does not mean it will happen for me. I need to be thankful for everything else I have...a home, a job and a great husband who loves me. I have more then most. I have the capability of being a Mom in any capacity I choose. The option is there...it will just take time and money but it will happen and I have to realize that. Life isn't easy. Maybe this is a lesson God is teaching me...that I take life for granted too much. Now I have something in front of me totally out of my control and I need to accept this and do what I need to do without getting upset, made or frustrated. It will not make this situation any easier!

I am going to unwind now....hopefully get a chance to talk to Hsien about all of this. xoxox

Praying Lindsey

Yesterday when I went to the RE doctor for my ultrasound, I was getting out of the car and walked past a smiling blonde woman. She looked at me almost like we knew each other so it caught me off guard but she told me "I like your shirt". I smiled and thanked her and told her my Mom got it for me from Kohl's.

As I walked into the REI clinic, I noticed the same blonde woman walking in behind me with her (I am guessing) husband. It struck me a bit that this nice woman was there possibly for the same reasons I was. We both waited in line to check in and smiled at each other. I sat behind her and her husband. I noticed a few moments later that she grabbed her husband close and was whispering in his ear. This went on for quite a while but then noticed her eyes were shut. They were praying. My heart sank and I couldn't hold back the tears. Seeing those two together in the REI clinic waiting room and praying hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked away and teared up in the bathroom and used a tissue to blot my eyes. They called her name and her name is Lindsey. I feel for her...I wanted to hug her yesterday and I wish I had. I am really thinking about her and only hope and wish the best for them both.

I wonder if I will run across Lindsey again?

Moving fast...feeling guilty...feeling ugh!

Yesterday was a good day. I went to the doctor's and had the ultrasound done by the nurse practioner. She went in to check my antral follile count.

The good news is: I have 7 follicles on each side! A total of 14! The NP said this was good news. She also said my progesterone test done the week before was very good. There is hope! She had me schedule an appt with my RE in a few days and discussed maybe starting the clomid challenge test. I got some lab test results back today. My estradiol went down so that is good. Last month it was 89 and today it was 71...so the good news is it's going down.

The bad news is: that I am only as good as my worst FSH test. =( Last month it was 13.3. Unfortunately just a few moments ago, I got my FSH results from this morning and it was 15.9. I am DEVASTATED! I want to cry but I have no more tears to cry. I just don't know what to think anymore. Why is this happening to me???!!!

Also another thing, I feel guilty moving on with the Clomid Challenge test. I've been doing acupuncture for 2 months really hoping I could beat infertility and do it on my own. Now I'm realizing that I might need a little push (or maybe eventually a big push) to get pregnant. I feel so guilty. I feel like a failure and that I've let myself down. I really didn't want to take any pills, shots or anything and here I go, ready to start. I dreaded telling my acupuncturist today that I might start clomid on Friday which is Day 5. She was okay with my decision. I know she wants me to keep trying with the acupuncture but after getting my FSH results today....I think I need to do more.

I vented to my infertility online support group and I got some really amazing feedback from them. Everyone has felt the same as me. I need to follow my heart and move forward with this. I cannot waste time and think it's going to get easier...because it won't. If I want a baby, I need to listen to my RE.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I meet with Dr. D'Amico at noon and hoping for the best!!

Gotta have Faith!

Today at work I was thinking and suddenly George Michael pops into my little head and "Gotta have Faith" started playing in my head Ha! Ha! George is trying to tell me something ;)

Today was a pretty shitty day for me. I had really bad cramps but finally they went away after I got my period *Boooooooo!* Part of me was sad but part of me was glad to finally get it and just move on. Sort of like putting me out of my misery already! The good news is that my period is staying consistent and I can now predict that it's 31 days long. After I got my period, I called my RE's office and scheduled my antral follicle count for tomorrow at 1:30pm. This procedure is described here:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that we can see - and measure and count - with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles.

Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures. In my opinion, the antral follicle counts (in conjunction with female age) are by far the best tool that we currently have for estimating ovarian reserve and/or chances for pregnancy with in vitro fertilization.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank God I have a boss who understand what I am going through and will let me come and go to appts when I need to. She went through IVF with both of her pregnancies so she understands. Looking forward to the appt and hoping for good news. Then Wed, I have another FSH and estradiol blood test done to check my levels. I am REALLY hoping that they improve since my acupuncture the past month. That is really my only hope at this moment. If the ultrasound and lab tests go poorly, I will be crushed. My soul will just hurt so badly. Still...trying to stay positive!

I had another acupuncture appt today and it went well. I showed the Dr. my BBT charts and she said that the end of my cycle is strong and that is GOOD! *Wooohooo! I love positive stuff!* She also wants me to start putting a heating bad on my tummy at night so I will do that. I love warm stuff. She wants me to continue to eat and drink warm foods for my blood and she also mentioned that the color of my tongue looks great. *phew* I had a good appt and looking forward to seeing her again on Wed.

I had a really really good cry when I got home today. I had a few personal messages and notes from my online women's group friends and it warmed my heart. Their words just overwhelmed me with love and encouragement. They are pretty awesome women in my life....I wish I had them closer to me physically but just knowing that they are "there" to read and encourage me, is so awesome! I couldn't stop crying and just grabbed Hsien and cried all over his white shirt. It felt good to just let it out. I got makeup all over his shirt but he dosen't care. ;) I am still teary eyed as I write this and I cried a lot after I re-read the blog I wrote yesterday. I was really hurting last night when I wrote. Hopefully I can get through this hump of feeling sorry for myself and move on and feel positive again.

Hopefully the night will get better. Hsien ran out to buy us some Rocky Road ice cream so that should make me feel better. I'm trying to avoid dairy products but right now, considering I have my period and I am crampy and irritable, I think it would be okay to have a bowl (or two) of ice cream.

Hoping for a good ultrasound tomorrow!

Emotionally drained

I am writing this in tears. I am having a bad bad day and just want to cry my eyes out. In fact, I had to leave our bedroom because I kept weeping and didn't want to wake my husband up. I am "suppose" to get my period tomorrow. I feel crampy, irritable and just plain SAD. It's like everytime I get my period, a part of me dies. I did everything right this month....spent almost $1000 on acupuncture for the next 2 months, went to Reiki sessions, meditated, kept happy thoughts in my head and I just feel like I am wasting my time with all of this. I freak out so much about the money being spent and I hate it. It's hard for me not to think about it because I know Hsien thinks about it too although he never makes me feel bad about it. I just wish I could be "normal" and get pregnant like everyone else around me with no trouble. What did I ever do to deserve it? I am so freakin sick and tired of people telling me that if I stop stressing and thinking about it that it will happen. I just want to slap those people in the face and say "FU...you have no idea what I am going through". I am just so mad and frustrated right now. I am just so worried about what the next "step" is going to be that the doctor decides. Once I get my period, I have to go in for a ovaries ultrasound and do another FSH and estradiol re-test. I will be CRUSHED if my levels are not better. I will feel so hopeless and broken. Part of me feels like I cannot emotionally handle moving forward with treatments. I just don't think I can do it and that is why I think I can't stop crying. At this point, I think I would rather go the adoption route. Of course that is mentally draining but part of me feels like it's more of a sure thing. I dunno...I am just do freakin fed up right now. I hate all of this. I feel so low and sad and afraid. I am letting this all get to me. Most of the time I have my good days but today has been bad. I can't stop crying and don't want Hsien to see me. I just don't know what to do next. I can only hope and pray that 1-I don't get my period this week and I am indeed pregnant or 2-my FSH and estradiol levels lower and I can have more hope that acupunture IS working and that I can maybe get pregnant all on my own. Maybe the 3 weeks in Europe will do me some good. I don't plan to chart or use my fertility monitor or read anything about infertility while I am away. It might be a good thing for me. Also, charting my temps every morning has I think caused more stress to me. I do it every morning, never really understanding what the hell the temperature even means. It's like adding one more thing to my full plate. I dunno if I want to continue doing it....I think it's stressing me out more then I really need to be. Ugh! I hate all of this...life isn't fair. What the f did I ever do to deserve this. I feel like I am letting Hsien and everyone around me down.

Oh one thing I wanted to write about before I totally forget it in my brain: last week I had a dream (Wed night I think). I was with my Acupuncturist and she gave me a big tea bag and told me to pee on it to see if I was pregnant. So I pee on it and it's saturated LOL! I am holding it up looking at it and suddenly two big circles appear on it...one bright red and the other bright blue and they are overlapping a bit. I was confused what the circles meant so Kate (my Reiki Master) appears in my dream and she is helping me to figure out what it means and we are checking the box and we could not figure it out. She tells me I should ask my acupuncturist and I go looking for it...then I wake up.

Just having a bad day.....I needed to vent. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.

Makin' Soup

Today was a much better day! I started out with a good walk/jog for about 50 minutes this morning. Then off to the acupuncturist! I love seeing her because it gives me peace of mind. She always asks me how I am doing as far as my infertility journey and always asks me what day in my cycle I am on. Today she did not put any needles in my belly but focused mostly on my ears, head and feet. I definitely need to work on my circulation more and will try and make more soup. She gave me a recipe for pork bone marrow soup that I am finally making today! It smells so good. I am going to use it with dinner tonight. She also gave me a bottle of supplements called Blossom (Phase 1). Lots of Chinese herbs that I need to help me with fertility.

One peculiar thing that happened was today when I took my morning temperature, my temperature was 98.6! Wayyy higher then it usually is when I first wake up. I am wondering if maybe I had too many blankets on me or if I did anything different last night to make my temperature go up but I can't think of anything. Besides it was much cooler outside. Not sure what the higher temperature means if anything but I thought it was odd. Curious what my temperature will be tomorrow. Maybe I am a little sick? Who knows!

I am going to head back and make my soup broth now! Can't wait to gobble it up tonight!

18.4

18.4
I have no idea what that really means as far as a progesterone level 7 days after ovulation but all research online points to positive. It means I ovulated all by myself. Hooray! Some good news in all of this craziness. Still not out of the dark though. Haven't heard from my doctor on it yet and I am sure he will tell me everything I need to know when we meet next week or after. The next step is to call the doctor when I get my period and do another FSH and Estradiol test on Day 3. I am hoping that I get some answers and better news!

Meditation class was cancelled tonight which gave me a chance to come home and veg out and eat dinner with Hsien. I love nights at home when I don't have to be anywhere!

Been testing my Basal Body Temperature the past 2 months. It's not as hard as I imagined. I think telling Hsien what I was doing and him accepting it, didn't feel so weird. I just wish those thermometers didn't make so many BEEP noises when I do test at 6:30 in the morning LOL! Poor Hsien...at least it's only for like 15 seconds at the most. I am seeing more now with tracking my temperatures and it's been quite interesting. It dipped on the day I ovulated and then went right back up. Today it dipped down which made me sad....but I read online not to over analyze the numbers until you have been testing for a few months. *sigh*

My spirit is a little lower then usual. For some reason I am sort of sad....sad because I know my period is coming close and the week before my period is always my hardest week. I just have no faith that a pregnancy will happen although I know I shouldn't be like this. Maybe it's my hormones...PMS! I always cry more this week and just wish I could see a "PREGNANT" indication on a home pregnancy test...maybe one day I will. I have an acupuncture appt tomorrow that I can wait for! I love it....it's really been a lifesaver for me emotionally and it's all the hope I have right now to get pregnant.

Hoping for the best....hopefully I will knock the slump out of me by the weekend.

Progesterone

I am having another blood test done tomorrow...Progesterone test! I am hoping and praying for some positive results or at least an answer to all of this. I should be getting my period the end of this week which means more blood tests and ultrasounds until a decision is made. *sigh* Ugh! I hate all of this....I wish it could just be easy for us! The time between ovulation and my period is the hardest time for me. My feelings are all over the place, my hormones are crazy and all I can think about is dreading my period.

Blah!

Opened the flood gates a tiny bit...

One last thing...I finally decided to share my blog with more people. Thank you M.E. for reading my blog the past 2 weeks! Means a lot to me. Now I have D.D. and F.D. to read and be supportive. I also opened up my blog to my online infertility support group and online women's group that I have been a part of since 2004. I figure I need all the love and encouragement I can get these days!

Happy reading and my feelings won't be hurt if I bore you to death ;) Feel free to leave me comments too!

xoxxoo

Buzzy feeling

I had another Reiki session with Kate tonight. I was excited to see her to be enlightened. I really tried to meditate more and use her theories to practice on my own time. I have been meditating more and also imaging myself with a baby in my arms in a beautiful room like she told me to in our first session. I wasn't as relaxed this time as I usually. Both times before I had just come from acupuncture and was totally relaxed. This time I came straight from work and felt that I wasn't as relaxed like I usually was. I had a hard time not thinking about life.

After our session she said that my energy was good and through out my body. She felt my third eye chakra had a lot of deep thoughts. Obviously I do have a lot on my mind these days do that makes sense. Last time she sensed uncertainty in my throat chakra like I had something I wanted to say. She didn't feel that this time. She also said that the uneasiness in my abdomen chakra like last time had moved out of my abdomen area into my thights. Maybe that is a good thing? We are not sure...she is going to do some research for me on that. Lastly and probably the best piece of info I got tonight....she didn't get that buzzy feeling in my right ovary like she had both times before. I had been ovulating the last time so it made sense why it might have been giving off energy 3 days ago but quite interesting why it was buzzing over a week ago. I told her I wasn't ovulating anymore plus the discomfort I felt there had been gone 2 days ago. This made her more curious and wants to continue to see me every week to see if that buzzy feeling comes back. So cool! I have another session with her next Thursday after work. So curious to see what happens. Other then that, a great session. It's so nice to have someone want to do this for me with nothing in return. I am going to buy her an iTunes gift card this weekend and give it to her. She has her fancy iPad that she puts notes about our sessions in and her iPod that she uses for music during our sessions....so it's sort of a fitting gift. I feel like I should so something nice with her generosity. I might even take her to a nice dinner. Glad we are doing these sessions and finally feel like her and I are friends. It's a nice feeling.

Nothing else too new with the infertility. I started a new book and learning some stuff from it. Not really into it like the last book but just basically reading all I can right now. I have a blood test on Tuesday to do for my progesterone levels. Anxious to hear the results on that one!

I am thinking.....if I do get pregnant soon, maybe I should name my first daughter Kate after my friend who is helping me with healing? That sounds like a fantastic idea ;)

Not much to say....

but I am in a good mood and I won't argue with that! It's also our 3 year anniversary today....woohooooo! I had an acupuncture appt today and went for a run this morning. I feel relaxed....we are heading to dinner tonight! It's a surprise...Hsien won't tell me where.

I am super thirsty today!