Seeing the Silver Lining

It's been a rough week for me...shed a lot of tears, felt sorry for myself and questioned so many things about what was happening with the pregnancy. It's taken the week to realize that I am truly lucky and blessed and I need to hold on to that. I have TWO babies in my belly that want to come home to us and that is more then I ever imagined I would ever have or what many couples will ever have. That is a lot and it is amazing!

The local Multiples Club that I am a part of had hooked me up with a super awesome Triplet Mom back when we found out we were having three. I was so grateful to her...she has been awesome. She knew we lost Grace and set me up with another woman near me who was pregnant with twins last year and had to deliver them at 24 weeks. Sadly one of her boys only lived 70 days but her other son is now 7 months old and thriving and so beautiful. Her name is Leila and she has been such an inspiration to me. We have talked on the phone a few times and have sent multiple letters of encouragement back and forth on Facebook. I am excited that she also delivered her boys at the same hospital that I am at and she told me over and over yesterday that we are in the best hands with the best doctors. She dealt with all of the perinatologists that I have and also the NICU doctor we met with on Monday. Leila felt that although she lost her son, she never once doubted that she was not in the best of care and that many of the doctors at our hospital also work or affiliated with Stanford. Her telling me this really helped me to cope. I never doubted our care or my doctors and it's nice to know that I can continue with the pregnancy and feel good. Leila and I are meeting at the hospital next week when her son has an appt. I can't wait to hug her. She is so sweet....she tells me over and over "I know we have not met yet but I love you a lot". She has given me more support and love then most people that have been in my life for years. I just feel so lucky to have her support and experience to learn from. She kept things in perspective for me and told me "You still have 2 beautiful babies in your belly! No one has left you yet...cherish that and stop worrying that it will happen because everything will probably work out!"

After our phone conversation yesterday (that lasted about 2 hours this time!) I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. She told me to enjoy all of those kicks and thumps in my belly because it's my babies telling me they are okay. I need to get through my stubborn brain that I AM having a boy and a girl and that I need to not be afraid to yell that from the rooftops. I will forever miss Grace but I am having TWINS and that is amazing!

Another amazing thing (or two).....I have two baby showers planned in August!!!! My Aunts are throwing one for me August 14th and a group of my Dance friends are throwing me another one on August 27th!! I feel so blessed and excited! I have to stop worrying that the babies will be born before then...and just go with all of this and be happy and excited. The babies will come when they are good and ready and I am hoping that is at least not until mid Septemeber at the earliest.

Thanks for listening to me ramble! I love you all!

Bitter

Well the good news is Baby B is still alive and moving alot.

The bad news is that her amniotic fluid is low and continues to have placental issues and lower growth.

The doctor is very concerned and will see me again next week to check her growth and fluids. She discussed early delivery which we are not going to do yet (and she advised to wait a few more weeks). We are thinking to wait until at least 28 weeks since so many complications and problems can happen between 24-26 weeks. The doctor also recommended possibly me staying in the hospital within the next week or so until I give birth. We met with the NICU doctor today after our appt to go over statistics of outcomes for babies born before 28 weeks. Heartbreaking!

The appt next Wed will give us more information. Honestly I will not be surprised if Baby B has no heartbeat next week. I am tired of being optomistic and upbeat when all it has done is bring us constant pain and heartache. The likleyhood of her surviving is so slim.....I do agree that miracles happen but I dunno....it just seems so unlikly that the outcome will be good for her. We do have a healthy baby boy that I am totally grateful every day for but incredibly sad for because he will never get to meet or know his sisters.

I just don't get it...I feel like we we had everything and were on top of the world and then poof! taken away in an instance. Why does this happen? I feel sorry for my babies.....I have had such an easy pregnancy and have felt great while they sit there and struggle to survive. I don't get it....they never did anything wrong.

I'm sad...I'm bitter....this wasn't suppose to be the way it happens. My husband and I named Baby B today but it makes me so so sad.

Baby Grace is now an Angel in Heaven.....

We had our 22 week ultrasound yesterday for our babies and sadly found out that Baby C Grace passed away sometime in the past 2 weeks. She had no heartbeat when the u/s tech checked her. I am sad...devastated....hurt.....I just cannot believe she is gone. I guess she knew she was not ready for the world and went to Heaven instead. I am crushed....we no longer have triplets and that is just breaking my heart. How do you heal from this news? How do you tell people you love that one of the girls is gone? After the appt, I went straight to my husband's work and told him in the car. He was shocked of course...sad too. I don't think he expected this news today either.

On the bright note though...we do have our twins (which is so weird for me to say now). Baby A boy is doing really well and over a pound now. He wasn't as active as he usually is and the tech said it was because he sensed his Mom's sadness. I lost it after she said that....she was so sweet about everything. Baby B girl, the doctor is concerned about and this is coming from the doctor I trust and like. Her blood flow from the placenta is not as strong as it should be and she is worried about that because she believes that is why Baby C passed away. Baby B is slightly smaller then her brother but nothing alarming. The doctor wants me back in 2 weeks to check on everything and I pray and hope that Baby B will be okay. I really do not think I can handle another baby loss right now. The doctor told me to be prepared that if things do not look good at my 24 week ultrasound that they might have to deliver the twins early. Ugh! I really hope not....why can't things be normal or good?!

The doctor has released me from work which I am grateful for. I am doing fine...my cervix is nice and high and tight and I feel great overall but with the news today, I just can't even think about anything right now. She signed the note for me and I went down to the business office at Kaiser after to start the process for disability. I think I really need this time to grieve and focus on the health of those babies even though I am fine now. The doctor said I will be getting really big and it's just a matter of time anyways that I would be out on bedrest. It's sort of a relief now being at home knowing that I don't have to think or worry about work right now.

So here I am.....so many things to think about and changes. We bought the triplet stroller in April that we plan to sell now. I cannot keep it...I cannot even look at it without crying my heart out. Hopefully we can sell it on craigslist fast. We had plans to go look at a used minivan this weekend about an hour away but we are not going to buy one now. The cars we have now will be perfect for twins anyways. I need to update my baby registry to change items from 3 to 2 as well. We still plan to have the baby shower on Sunday unless my husband changes his mind. Sorry to sound this all out...I just need to let it out. I grieve best with a plan and a focus. I miss my daughter but I know I need to stay strong for the other two and move on. There is nothing I can do to bring her back.

The thought of calling my Mom about this news is killing me....but I know I have to. How do I tell her? I just want to cry! How do I tell everyone? I have been posting all over Facebook about the triplets....is there an eloquent way of posting something on FB about it so that I don't have to tell or explain to everyone? I need help.....this is so hard. I feel like I am a neverending waterfall right now.