Pity Party

Throwing myself a pity party right now. This is right around the time of my cycle when my emotions are at their most high....usually a week before my period is expected. Not sure if it's a hormone thing or me just knowing that my period is coming so I get extra bitchy....who knows but I hate it!

On top of that....two friends had babies today and I found out another friend is pregnant. My heart is breaking...although I am super happy for all of them...I still feel sad. Why can't it be me? What did I ever do wrong? Why can't I be a Mom too? *sigh*

For the most part this month I have been soooo good not obsessing about it and the break has been nice. I know this upcoming vacation will do me some good as well.

I had a Reiki session tonight with Kate and she told me that after not seeing her for a month that I still remained very balanced. She seemed surprised so that made me feel better. My energy is holding on strong!

And you know, I feel bad and I feel sad but in the whole picture I do still realize how fortunate I am. Hsien and I crewed for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk this weekend and it totally humbled me. I met women who were as young as 29 who had/have breast cancer. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself! I have nothing to complain about compared to what they are going through! I have to realize that.

I also had a realization that what if none of the fertility treatments work or the option to adopt is not available, could I really be okay not being a mother? I thought about it and if I had Hsien by my side everyday, I think I could be okay, eventually. I think I could find peace in knowing that I would never be a mother although I would never fully accept it (and i know if I wanted to be a mother--it could happen!)

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and that went well. It will be my last one for a while since we are leaving for Europe. I am still trying to believe that it's helping me...I just don't know if it is or not. I need to give it time but it's costing me a lot of money. It's one of those things....you just don't know!

So many emotions running through my head this week. Hopefully once I get on that plane, I can truly enjoy myself and my life and hold off on obsessing about all of this until after we get home ;)