Feeling defeated

I have no idea why I am feeling defeated right now. I was doing so good and feeling so positive about things and then last night I started to let my emotions get the best of me. My IUI was last Monday and the closer my 2ww comes to an end...the more anxious and defeated I feel. I see all of the wonderful ladies in my online support group going through IUIs and IVFs and just going through sooo much to achieve that one thing only to be let down by a BFN. Why would I be any different? How are my chances any better then anyone to get a BFP on Dec 6th when my 2ww is over? I feel it's almost hopeless to even think this will be my month. Why I am feeling this way is beyond me but it's taking over my head and my heart. I keep thinking about my wonderful SIL who has had BFPs with both of her IUIs on the first try. What are the chances that it will happen to me??!!

I think a lot though that I am very lucky in many ways right now with my treatments. I am at a clinic I feel knows what they are doing and talking about with well educated and experienced doctors and nurse practioners. Not once have I felt like they have steered me in the wrong direction. Also, they are being super aggressive due to my age of 35 and my High FSH. Also I am darn lucky that I even have a diagnosis for my infertility. It would drive me mad wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Also happy that my husband's sperm is happy and healthy and I believe when we do get pregnant it will be because of his super dooper sperm!

It probably didn't help that i watched "Up" and "Julie and Julia" this weekend....both had a snipit of infertility in their story lines that I had to hold back tears on. I hurt so bad when I see those women feeling like I do.

Today my husband and I went to Target to look around and we thought about looking for gifts for our 2 year old niece. My husband started wandering into the baby stuff with the furniture and I just told him that I can't go down there right now. He looked at me and said "Somebody's crabby today". *rolling eyes* Pullleeezzzeee don't even go there! And just seeing all of these frazzled Moms with their beautiful kids in tow driving them insane with running around...it just made me super jealous of them.

I feel like I have only just begun in this infertility journey and I already feel defeated. I haven't gone through half of the craziness that most of my online support friends have been through and I already feel discouraged. Heck I could be pregnant right now and be thinking all of these negative thoughts. It's such vicious cycle to keep thinking about.

I am going to keep my mind occupied next week though. I have a few dates set up with girlfriends who know what I am going through so it will be nice to watch movies with them and have dinners and catch up. Hopefully keep my mind off the 2ww. I need to snap out of this funk!