Brandon is a month old!

Today November 15th is Brandon's actual "due date"!

My little buddy is 4 weeks old and everything is going so well with him...better then I ever expected. He is growing so quickly and has gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. He went from 3 lbs 11 oz to 6 lbs in 4 weeks! Way to go little man! He is filling out more...his cheeks are finally getting chubby. He is still a skinny little man but I am sure in the next few months he will be a roly poly. He is a really good baby. He cries when he is hungry, needs burping, wet or poopy and sleeps really well. He wakes up usually twice between 2am and 6am and that has been pretty good. I wake up, feed him, burp him and change him and him and I are back to sleep again. I have not felt that deprived...just a few days here and there when we were not having a good night.

Breastfeeding is going well now. He finally learned to latch on last weekend which was so awesome! He still has some trouble being so small. I try to put him to my breast and he just stares at my huge boob that is bigger then his little head LOL! I think he is overwhelmed Ha! Ha! But now he is latching on for a good while and getting sometime. I am still pumping and that has it's good and bad days. I am pumping right now and getting an excellent supply so I am happy about that. Little man is getting a combo of breast milk and formula right now and doing really really well!

My husband and I have transitioned into parents pretty darn well! We take Brandon everywhere and I am surprised how patient I have been with my husband. I thought I was going to turn into this bossy Mom where he does nothing right but I haven't been! He takes care of Brandon with the diapers and feedings and cuddles too and is really enjoying being a Dad!

The only thing on my mind really bothering me is going back to work January 9th. I hate that! I have been procrastinating researching day care for him and I cry everyday about it but I know it has to be done. I know once I find the right place, my mind and heart will be okay. My work also has been stressing me out....my boss calls me and tells me the regional manager is being a total ass about things and constantly threating my boss that "Monica better be ready to come back to double the work. I hope she can handle it with a newborn". Way to be surpportive! Grrrrr! Once I get settled into Brandon being in daycare, I am going to start looking for new work. I have been at this company over 10 years and ready to move on!

I am still seeing a grief counselor and going to weekly meetings with Brandon. It helps a lot. I am realizing now that I am not suffering from PPD which is good. I have my times of sadness and tears but usually very brief. I realize I miss the girls not for myself but for my son. I tell him everyday with tears in my eyes how sorry I am that I could not bring his sisters into this world. I know everything happens for a reason and I cannot imagine sharing my love with another baby right now....I just share so much love for him. I guess in a way it's better...I can completely focus on Brandon and take care of him without having to share myself. It still makes me sad though for him. I am still working with my hospital on releasing their remains to have cremated and that should be happening quite soon. Then I can store them in the box made for Brandon to have always.

Going back in my journals, this time last year I was preparing for my first IUI! What an experience that was! It's amazing how far we came in a year and how after we have been through to be parents, our little man Brandon is finally home and healthy with us. I love him so much....I wonder how I ever lived my life without him before!

xoxox

Naomi and Grace

Our daughters that passed away too soon will be cremated today at 2pm. It made me sad when my friend who works at the mortuary notified me of it. It's been exactly 2 months since Naomi passed away, 4 months and 1 day since Grace passed away and today Brandon is 1 month old. My heart is heavy but our daughters will soon be back home with us again. *tears* Such a sad day.

Brandon Tsai has Arrived!!

Brandon Tsai is here!! A quick rundown....he was born Friday October 14th at 11:02pm weighting 3 lbs 11 oz and measuring 13 inches. Super small guy but the NICU doctors say that he behaves like a full term baby and has had ZERO complications...completely breathing on his own, no jaundice or eating issues. He has not been hooked up to anything! The only reason he is in the NICU is because of his weight. He is just a truly amazing little guy...so strong for being so darn little! The nurses all love him and everyone says he is so beautiful. I am so proud!

So now you guys are probably wondering why he came on Friday and not as scheduled for the 25th. I went in for my scheduled NST Friday morning...that showed no issues and that Brandon was moving a lot and his heartrate was great. This was also the day we had a Level 2 ultrasound to check on him. I had not seen him on the Level 2 ultrasound since his sister passed a month before so I was nervous. Those ultrasounds seem to always bring us bad news. The technician did the measurments on him and although he appeared to be perfectly fine...he was measuring 4 lbs 7 oz which was considered 3 weeks behind. My Dr (Dr Lin) was at another hospital nearby but the doctor on duty consulted with me and Dr Lin and we all agreed....this guys needs to come out NOW! He is showing signs of IUGR exactly like his sisters and we were all not going to take that chance of losing him. So off I went to Labor and Delivery and got admitted. My husband showed up about 2 hours later with my hospital stuff. We made all of the appropriate phone calls and got the word out that this baby was coming soon!

Once I was in the L&D room, it was a lot of waiting and waiting.....I was not allowed to eat which was TORTURE! The last time I had eaten was breakfast at 9:30am. I should have known better and snuck a quick lunch in before heading to L&D ;) They set me up on an IV drip and got me started on pitocin, an antibiotic for Strep B and a few other things. They did a few ultrasounds on him and basically we were just waiting and waiting. My Mom had shown up as well as my husband's Mom and my Dad and his wife. It wasn't necessary for them to show up since I didn't want anyone in the room for the birth but my husband but I know they were all excited. All of the doctors and nurses were certain that Brandon wasn't coming until Saturday morning. I was still 3 cm dilated which was a great start. At 10:30pm, I was contracting very well on my own and was not in a lot of pain. The doctor then broke my water at 10:30pm and had given me a little something to take the edge off of that. Well that didn't last long at all and at 10:40pm, the contractions became VERY strong and painful. I was clenched to the railing of my bed and was hurting so bad that I thought I might break the bed. The epidural was still not available and I could not stand the pain....it was the worst pain of my life! I remember just yelling out "HELP!! I hurt so bad!" It was truly awful. My Mom had left right before they broke my water but my Dad and Step Mom and Mother in Law were still hanging around. I finally told them that they had to leave...my Dad looked scared and so he made a beeline for the door and left without saying goodbye LOL! On the way out the door my Step-Mom heard me tell the doctors "Oh my God! I feel like I have to push!!". She knew that I was going to have this baby very soon so they all sat in the waiting room instead of heading home (which I had no idea about until after!) I was so bummed because Dr Lin had called earlier and said that she would come if I went into labor that night but she still wasn't there yet. She finally showed up 15 minutes before he was born YEAH!! I was so happy she was going to be there! The doctors and nurses kept telling me "DO NOT PUSH!" The doctors and nurses were not ready yet LOL! Oh my God! It was the craziest feeling....it hurt so bad and I had the biggest urge to push and I had to clench my butt checks HARD to prevent from pushing. Finally Dr. Whitney tells me that the epidural will not be there for at least 20 minutes (OMG!!) I knew I could not wait. She asks me if I want to try and deliver without an epidural and I yelled out YES!! I was moaning and making noises that I never imagined would ever come out of me LOL! They got my legs up and I started to push. I think I pushed maybe 8 times...and at 11:02pm, Brandon slipped out and was born. He popped out so fast that Hsien was shocked that the doctors caught him as quick as he slipped out. Brandon let out a huge cry and it was the most surreal moment....he was born finally! They quickly laid him on my chest and asked Hsien to cut his cord shortly after. It was amazing!!!! I did tear which was sewn up after and Hsien was just so impressed with me....he kept saying how awesome I was LOL! They took him away briefly for measurements and to get him wrapped up and warm. I was SHOCKED when I was told that he weighted only 3 lbs 11 oz and was 13 inches long! LITTLE GUY! See...those ultrasounds are never right! Ugh! I was really concerned about him being so tiny but I knew he would be okay in the NICU and was just so grateful that he appeared okay and that he was finally born. So Brandon's birth was the easy part LOL! Now on to the hard part of the night.....

After the took Brandon away to the NICU, my husband went there with him for a little while where my Dad, StepMom and Mother in Law got to meet him for the first time. I was still in the L&D room in pain and dreading the next part....pushing out my stillborn daughters. I wasn't sure how this was going to go but by that time I hurt so badly and the epidural had finally shown up that I took it. It really eased up the pain a lot and was not as bad as I had expected it to be. The doctors and nurses went about their business for a while and waited for the epidural to take effect. I laid there for 4 hours waiting in anticipation and nerves. I was more nervous about delivering these babies and kept having slight anxiety and panic about resting and falling asleep. I just wanted it done and over with! My husband was able to get some rest and I laid there and waited for the drugs to take their effect. I didn't like the way that the epidural didn't allow me to feel contractions so it was hard to know when to push. I think that was why it took so long to deliver the girls. At 4am, Dr Lin and Dr Whitney came in and sat down and both gently worked on pushing on my stomach and asking me to push at certain times. They were being SO considerate and respectful about it. Dr Lin even said that I didn't have to push if I was not up for it because she really felt sad for me. I told her it was okay and that I was okay with pushing and speeding up the process of birthing the girls. It took over an hour of massaging my belly and pushing on my part and them reaching in with their fingers to pull the girls out. Finally at 5:11am, both girls were out and so were all of the placentas. I did not see any of it as requested. Hsien stood next to me and held my hand the whole entire time. All of the remains were taken away and are currently in the morgue. The social worker who met with me the next morning gave me information on what to do and so I will make phone calls tomorrow to make arrangements for cremation.

As sad as it was to birth them, I was also relieved to have it all over. I was exhausted by this time and just really wanted to sleep. I was finally given something to eat at 6am and got maybe 2 hours of sleep before we were moved to a new room.

Saturday morning was a bit chaotic....I was functioning on zero sleep, seeing family that had come to visit and meeting all of the nurses and doctors after like the lactation consultant, social worker, NICU doctor and making several visits to the NICU to see our little guy. On top of that I was pumping every few hours which was such a foreign new concept to me LOL! Wow and my nipples are sore ;) Still not getting any milk from them but the NICU nurse has been able to squeeze them a few times to get some colostrum out to give to Brandon. Our last guests left at 9pm last night and Hsien and I quickly went to bed and slept as well as we could with nurses coming in to check in on me. Oh and last night, the birth certificate recorder came in to see me and double check spellings and to give me a copy of Brandon's unofficial birth certificate and information about his social security card. This was the time where I REALLY cried...I mean really cried hard. I felt so much emotions at this time...I just could not stop crying. It was a strange feeling. I could not believe I was holding my son's birth certificate who was born early, so tiny and had all of the odds stacked against him and he is OKAY! And I also felt some mourning for our girls and I cried for them too but I was very at peace with them being gone. I know this sounds weird and I feel a bit guilty admitting this but being with Brandon I feel SO MUCH LOVE for him that I cannot imagine sharing that love. Is that crazy? Part of me feels quilty thinking that and tears are streaming down my face writing this but I think he has been a great distraction for me and that I will heal better now.

Sunday morning we slept in a little while and after having some blood work done early that morning, the doctors were worried about my blood count and wanted me to have more blood drawn and to not be discharged until after those results. I was really hoping to not have to stay another night in the hospital if possible. I continued my pumping and got to make several visits to Brandon in the NICU. We only had 2 guests that day and it was my husband's parents so it was okay. About 2pm, Hsien and I packed up the room and he wheeled our stuff out of the room while the nurses and doctors checked on me. They said that my anemia was better and that I could go home that day. I was prescribed lots of Iron pills, stool softners and prescription strength Motrin for the cramping. And it's truly crazy how much you bleed after labor! Saturday I was bleeding a lot and the bathroom looked like we had killed a small animal anytime I went to use the bathroom! It has finally subsided and is much lighter now. After I pump, I get super crampy and that is when I do most of my bleeding. After I was examined, we saw Brandon for about an hour and got to feed him and kiss him before we said our small "See you Later Alligator". Hsien and I were both really tired and with being in the hospital, my husband developed a low-grade fever and I felt like crap so we knew it was best to head home, rest in our beds and get better for our little guy who might be coming home as early as Tuesday!

Hsien and I got home about 6pm Sunday night and now we are home resting. Monday my Dad came over in the morning to take down the second crib, put up a few things in Brandon's room and help us install the car seat. While they did that, I made a few phone calls and put things away and also wash all of the preemie clothes for Brandon to wear. After we get the house in order and we are feeling good, we went to the NICU and visit Brandon. I can't wait to see him again! Oh and tonight I was using my pump and I actually got a tiny bit of colustrum and milk to come out! Yeah! It's working....just have to keep up the pumping as much as I can!

So for now, that is Brandon's birth story! I just feel so so lucky that he is doing as well as he is for such a small young guy! He really does have his Guardian Angel sisters watching over him! With all of the drama that we had during the pregnancy, it's like our luck totally took a turn for the much better and from the moment he was born, we have had nothing but wonderful news! I hope it keeps coming and that from here on out, our little man is nothing short of a miracle.

Here are the photos on my Facebook of the birth of Brandon if you want to check them out. I will keep them public briefly.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/media/set/?set=a.10150275145219649.286856.632429648&type=1

Trying to be happy at 35 weeks

I don't know why I can't move past this funk....you would think I should be happy with our son coming in about 2 weeks. I just cannot move past this sadness. I know that I need to work THROUGH stuff like this and not around it or over it but it's hard. Today I didn't even want to get up out of bed. The only reason I did was because I had to eat...and only because I am feeding not just me but my son. I had planned to make a huge plate of lasagna so that I could divide it up for several meals to freeze for us when the litle man comes. I have no motivation whatsoever. My house is not clean and it's bothering me. I wish someone would just come over and clean for me. It's not even really messy...just cat hair all over the place. I can't vaccum and my husband can't vaccum because of his allergies. Blah!

I have a group therapy session tomorrow which I am sort of anxious about....not sure how it will go being in a group with a bunch of other pregnant depressed women. Luckily I have my one on one therapy session on Thursday morning to look forward to. Then Friday is an ultrasound and NST appt. I still get nervous about going to those. With all of the crap we have been through losing our girls, I just hold my breath every day for our son praying that he is okay. I am so so nervous about the birth. I am thrilled that we will finally meet our son but I also know it's the day that I part with our girls too when they are birthed and their remains cremated. I will no longer have them inside of me...some strange reason I felt comfort knowing they were close to me. Now they won't...I think that will be hard for me. I just feel like I am at a breaking point. I just want to cry all the time.

Despite all of my crummy feelings, we are moving forward and getting ready for our son to be here. We have his stroller and car seat all ready and next week it will be installed in my car by CHP. I have been returning items that we received that were for twins and buying things for our little guy that we need. Today I am going to go to Target and return a few things and then buy baby wash and shampoo and a few other necessary baby things. I guess that will give me motivation to get out of the house.

I'm sure the next two weeks will go by sooo slow but I am going to enjoy the quiet and sleep while I can. I feel him moving about all of the time so that is always comforting. I just hope and pray that the birth goes fine and that is born a perfectly happy healthy little human being! I don't think I can handle another bad situation right now! I miss the girls so much....I wish I could do anything to bring them back to us. =(

October 25th!!

We have a birthday! If all goes well and he decides to not come sooner, we will be having a Scorpio! (Woohooo!)

Doctor checked me out today...still 3 cm dilated and thin but hasn't changed much since 5 days ago. With everything that has been happening in this pregnancy, my doctor strongly suggested we go ahead and induce at 37 weeks. It's not normally something I would want to do but honestly with everything this kiddo has been through the past 34 weeks, I think it's okay to go ahead and induce and bring him into the world at 37 weeks. I cannot believe his birthday is in 3 weeks!!! Wow!

A vaginal delivery is still the plan and I do plan to birth all three babies. Told the doctor that we have decided to not see or hold the girls since they will be mostly bone and tissue and to cremate them. We then will keep their ashes together in a pretty box with their names on it and hold on to it for our son one day.

Having this date really made me happy and now I feel more motivated to continue on and get things ready for our little boy. As guilty as I do feel at times to be happy and move on, it's the right thing for him. My Dad came with me to the baby store today and bought us our infant car seat and that was so much fun! My Dad had a blast and I was happy he could be a part of that experience. The rest of this week and the next couple of weeks will be me going through girl stuff and boxing up the clothes and returning the duplicate twins things we received so we can get store credit and buy things for him as needed. I still hold faith in my heart that we will have another child one day and if it's a girl, we will have clothes for her. If not, I know lots of wonderful people who could use them.

Fingers and toes crossed that our little Ninja wants to stay in 3 more weeks and grow. He is super fiesty in my belly and growing at a great rate. Doctor thinks he will be least 6 lbs at 37 weeks if not more.

Guess I better get his first Halloween costume ready to wear!!!

Love you all...I can't believe this journey is almost over!! xoxo

Met with a Grief Counselor

Yesterday I had my first session with the Grief counselor....I was very nervous to go. In fact, I cried all the way to the appointment. I am not sure if it was because I was scared or relieved. Maybe a combo of both. Facing my fears and feelings is usually something I am okay with doing but I guess with a new person to hear me, it was just coming back to me fresh.

First off...LOVED the counselor! I could tell right away that she was a good fit for me. I almost felt like I was talking to a friend too.

We started out talking about my grievances over the losses of Grace and Noami where I cried A LOT! Points where I could not even breathe and I just sat there for 5 minutes and got myself to a point where I could talk. The funny thing she asked me what our son's name and I told her, and it was really really odd for me to hear her talk about him using his name. I usually don't refer him by his "name" but usually call him "Baby Boy" or "Little Buddy". Her using his name made it feel so much more real but made me sad because I feel like I just haven't bonded like I wanted to yet. She told me that it was perfectly normal.

We also talked a lot about family history, my life and it was interesting to talk to her quite a bit about my past relationship I had for 3 years before I met my husband, my heavy drug use one summer (which was very embarrassing for me to talk about but I knew I needed to lay it all out on the table).

The last part of the session we spoke more on the losses and feelings of how others in my life were doing. It was more of a "getting it all out on the table" kind of session for us which is what I expected in a first meeting. She left me with a lot to think about and we have another appt together in 2 weeks. She also is having me come to a group therapy session every Tuesday morning for Third Trimester Pregnant women/Peripartum. Not sure what I will get out of a group session but I am willing to try and see what happens.

Many of the issues bothering me that her and I plan to discuss in the coming weeks are:

--learning to get over my jealousy of mothers with multiples

--dealing with my jealousy of the many, many friends in my life suddenly pregnant without having to deal with infertility

--the sadness that my husband and I feel knowing our infertility road is now not over like we had hoped with multiples.

--not holding resentment with my son and hopefully being able to bond with him with no trouble.

--deciding on whether or not I want to even see my daughters when they are born...if that will give me peace or make it more difficult since they will probably be tissue and bones by the time I do birth them and not little babies. Do I want to still go for a vaginal birth or do a cesaerean and emotionally am I able to handle. We have decided that our girls will be cremated and I will have their ashes saved in a box for our son. He can decide what he wants to do with the ashes when he is older.

So as you can see, I have A LOT to get through still which I am sure will take a long while to tackle. There is so much more to list that I could go on and on about the losses but these the are the main topics.

What I did come out of the session was, I really really wish I had met with a grief counselor during the times I was going through continual failed cycles. I went through that part of my life with such sadness and dispair and looking back now, I wish I had spoke with someone. If we do go back down the road to have another child with fertility treatments, I do plan to seek help from a professional.

And also, one other thing I did manage to do yesterday was walk into the babies room and be okay. A good friend had come over yesterday and wanted to see the room (he is an artist and wanted to see how I decorated) so I told him he was more then welcome to go in there. After a bit, I decided to join him and look around and touch things. I touched Naomi's things, saw her name on the wall and I did okay. I think it helped with my friend there. He was really impressed how cute it was. I don't think I am ready yet to take the girl things out quite yet but I know the first step needs to be to get Naomi's crib out of that room and put away. My Dad is coming to help me with that in the next week or so.

So that is where I am right now....I plan to continue to read and research on the topic of stillborn loss and hoping to come out a better person in all of this.

xoxox

32 weeks 3 days

Baby Boy is doing great! We were scheduled today for an NST session and an appt with my doctor. For once...a "normal" appt!

Got hooked up to the NST machine and heard his heartbeat immediately....yeah! Nice and strong! He has been moving a lot so I wasn't too worried but I am still paranoid at every appt. Sat there for 20 minutes and then my doctor came in and did an ultrasound. He was moving a lot and doing well. His head is really low so hopefully he won't move and we can do a vaginal birth. He is measuring about 3 lbs 9 oz right now. She checked my cervix and she says I am 2 cm dialated (Eeek!) Not sure if I should be totally concerned about this but my doctor says that women can be dialated for weeks and have no change...so we'll see. I kind of had a feeling because I have had more cervical mucus lately. She also did a test where they insert a swab in your vagina and also one in your behind and test for any infections. I don't remember the name but I have heard about it....and boy that was NOT fun LOL!

My doctor also told me that she has put in my file that she wants to be the doctor for the birth! Wow! Usually with Kaiser you just get whoever is on duty that day but she wants to be called and come. She dosen't live too far. I feel so special! I am happy that she will be there and pretty much be there from start to finish. I also told her about me seeing a Grief counselor starting next week and she thinks that is really great. She says it probably will be more helpful after the birth and we bring our son home but it's good to set up a relationship with a grief counselor now to make that transition easier for us to get through. She also said that it probably will help with the birth as well since I plan to birth all three babies and I know it will be a very very emotional time for my husband and I to deliver 2 stillborn daughters.

After the appt with the doctor, I went and signed up for a Childbirth class since I had not planned to take one because the plan was a cesarean birth. Now that there is a possibility that we can do this vaginally, I guess I should learn all of this stuff. It's an all day class on a Sunday in October. I also have a late pregnancy class on Tuesday. Then off to the lab to do another Gestational Diabetes one hour test. That wasn't too bad since I did it at 20 weeks. I drank the stuff...came back in an hour, did a blood sample, peed in a cup and was on my way! Hopefully it all comes back in a good way.

Next NST and ultrasound appt is next Thursday morning and then the appt with the Grief Counselor on Friday which I cannot wait to go to!

Naomi Grace--another Angel in Heaven 9-14-11

I sit here in shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, bittnerness and horrible horrible thoughts running through my head. Enough is enough already!

When given the news this morning by the ultrasound tech that there was no heartbeat....I went numb. For some reason, I knew in my heart that this would happen. I didn't cry...I just laid there staring at the wall. Another daughter gone to heaven within 2 months of her sister. Naomi had stopped growing and measured 23 weeks (I am 31 weeks). The doctor came in and told me that I cannot blame myself for this and that Baby B would have probably not survived even if we did deliver her earlier like we had talked about. It's hard not to blame yourself though and I am trying really hard to not have any regrets but it's very difficult right now.

I just cannot believe this has happened....again! Such a slap in the face and a stab to the heart. The pain I feel hurts more then anything I have ever been through. Part of me wishes I could go back to the days when we were doing our IUIs and had been told I was having ONE child. To go from having three to one is so difficult and such a tease. Am I being taught a lesson? Am I being punished? Why the fuck is this happening to us!!!!?????????????

And the sad part and I feel so fucking stupid is that I finished the babies room yesterday....it looks so perfect and now I have the pleasure of ripping Naomi's name off the wall. There are two cribs in there.....girl clothes and girl toys...pink and purple cute things. I think it would be easier to just light a match and burn down the room. I CANNOT accept that we have lost another daughter....I just cannot and I never will! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! I want to wake up from this nightmare now.

And as crazy as all of this has been....Baby Boy is a happy little guy who has not had one issue. He weighted 3 1/2 lbs today and right on target for a full term birth. I AM happy to have him...I truly am but this makes me so sad and sick that this little boy will never have a sibling to play with...an only child. I'm sad for him. I am sad too that I will always have in the back of my mind that he will not make it either. God please don't take our only living child away from us!

September 19, 2011

Well it looks like that might be the Twins birthday! I got a call from Dr Lin today that she wants to set up one more ultrasound on the 14th to see how they are doing with their weights and measurements and then if things are still going as plan to deliver at 32 weeks, she will have us admitted on Sunday Sept 18th and plan for a cesarean either the 19th or maybe 20th. Now I am getting excited!!

Still feeling good and laying low...drinking lots of fluids and mostly just hanging out on the couch these days. My Sister in Laws and their husbands and my nieces have been here visiting the past week so that has been really nice. My nieces are 3 years old and 2 months old and just adorable. My husband has REALLY stepped in and helped with the little one. It warms my heart! As soon as Noelle starts to fuss, he will pick her up and walk her around and try to soothe her, hoping to give his sister a break sometime. We will be in restaurants and he will be walking her around showing her things so his sister can eat and enjoy her lunch. His whole family is REALLY impressed....I am too! I think he is going to be a really good Daddy and as nervous as I was before, I think very involved and helpful.

We have decided on names FINALLY! So excited about that...makes it feel more real. I have been practicing yelling them out loud to make sure they sound okay LOL! I also asked my husband what he wants to be called. He calls his Dad "Baba" and wants to be called that too by our kids...so "Baba" and "Mommy" it is!

We have been really blessed and spoiled lately with the amount of gifts that have been given to us for the babies. We are going to Babies R Us tomorrow to buy a rocking chair to use and I used some Amazon gift cards today to buy some decor for the room. Still have things to do but I know I will have time to do stuff after they are born as well.

I've gained about 30 lbs so far and I can feel it all in my belly...my balance is all over the place. Luckily I feel like I have only gained in the belly and not a whole lot elsewhere so hopefully the weight is from the babies and getting them nice and fattened. Not sure how much more I will gain in the next 16 days but hoping for another 5 lbs or so.

The next 2 weeks I am going to enjoy getting the babies stuff ready and finishing every single Thank you card. I want to have them all done by the time the kids get here. I also plan to frame a few of the cards and poems we got at our showers so I might work on those on the couch so I can hang them up in the room.

Can't believe my dream of being pregnant is almost to an end. I am happy and sad for many reasons but mostly happy and relieved. If Baby A and B are born alive and screaming, I will be so reassured!

xoxox, Monica and Baby B and Baby N!

30 weeks vs 32 weeks?

We had another ultrasound today at 29 weeks 2 days. Both babies have strong heartbeats, moving around and now we can see their chests rising and falling as they breathe. So cute!

So now we are at a point of when to deliver. I feel like my children's destiny is in the palm of our hands and any decision we make effects their lives. This is so very very hard.

My doctor stated that she feels that delivering at 30 weeks (next Tuesday) would be fine and that both would be born small but have a high chance of survival. Baby Boy will probably be about 3 lbs by that point. Baby Girl "appears" to be growing very slowly (if not at all) and we will be lucky if she is even 2 lbs at birth. I use the word appears loosely because I know that ultrasounds are not absolutely accurate when it comes to measuring babies in utero. I'm still trying to believe that it will be wrong and she will be born weighting not too far behind her brother.

My husband wants to wait until 32 weeks though. Baby Girl has been "stable" now for weeks. Her amnio fluid amount has not changed for the worst in a few weeks. It just continues to remain the same which to us seems like good news...not great but okay. She continues to have a great heartrate, fetal movement and now showing signs of breathing with her chest rising.

I'm scared that if we wait until 32 weeks that she might not make it but its how I have felt since we found out her prognosis at week 24 and she just keeps hanging on!

Such a hard decision!! I need a freaking break!! Getting pregnant was hard, being pregnant with multiples was harder....God please let the NICU and raising babies be the easiest part! It's like the steps to becoming a parent just continue to get harder and harder. I know seeing my babies in the NICU will be the hardest part for us and I am really dreading that. I am always preparing for the worst since this pregnancy has been far from what a normal pregnancy should be. I continue to wait for the ball to drop in every situation now and I hate that.

So this is where we are at right now...not sure how to think at all. I am going to call my doctor and have her arrange an ultrasound next Tuesday at 30 weeks and see how things are going. If it continues to remain the same, we will wait. If it's worst, then we will deliver.

I want to be one of those women who bitches and complains in the hallway at the L&D that they have hit their due date and baby won't come. They don't know how lucky they are to carry their baby so far along....I wish I could. Of course we always want what we can't have right? *sigh*

I am so emotionally tired...I don't even want to think about this anymore! Hoping one day I can look back and laugh and say this was all worth the worry and tears. I pray every night that both babies are born healthy and happy human beings so I can close this chapter in my life and be DONE with the Hell of Infertility forever!

28 weeks...and lots of drama!

So yeah....never thought that yesterday's routine ultrasound would lead into so much drama ;) Went in for what I thought was a routine checkup only to be admitted into the L&D hospital into a delivery room! Eeeek! My usual doctor wasn't working yesterday but the doctor that did examine me thought that we might want to deliver the babies yesterday. Baby A continues to show growth and development weighting in about 2.5 lbs at 28 weeks which is great! But his sister is not showing any growth and development although she still has a strong heartbeat and moving like crazy inside of me. It's hard to get a good read on her because she is moving about and because she is so small she has more room. Her fluids showed low yesterday and today....but last week they improved?! You know...I don't know what to believe anymore!!!! Frustrating and I am almost to the point that I don't want to continue any ultrasounds because they are not accurate and sometimes misleading and just breaking my heart.

So anyways....we were admitted and was given the steriod shot to help develop their lungs. Had quite a few great doctors come in and talk to me about whether we wanted to deliver in the next 35-48 hours or continue on with the pregnancy. We spoke with a NICU doctor and several baby doctors as well. Wanted to make sure my husband and I got all of our facts and information straight before making the hardest decision of our lives....it did not come easy.

Our decision is to continue on with the pregnancy, even if that means we lose Baby B. Heartbreaking and heartwrenching I know....I cry just thinking about it. The reasons we came to this decision are:

Baby A has not been stressed out during this pregnancy. The doctor feels that if we take him out at 28 weeks, it might be too early for him and he may not respond well to the stress of an early delivery and might die. Also run the risk of lungs not developing right, respitory issues and NEC which is a gestational problem quite common in babies born too early.

Baby B will probably survive if born now but her gestational size is about 25-26 weeks development which is very very small. She might survive but she also will have some major lifestyle complications if we deliver this early.

Running the risk of birthing too possibly unhealthy babies right now was too hard of a decision for us. We decided to wait it out week by week with the pregnancy getting to a point where at least Baby A is ready without the risk of so many health complications. Baby B as we know will possibly be born (if she still alive at this time) but have some sort of health issue due to her slow development. But she might not! Miracles happen every day. We just cannot risk the healthy babies life right now. We would love to bring both babies home....but the thought of birthing them now and watching them both struggle in the NICU....I just can't do that right now. If Baby B is not ready for life, then I want her to make that choice inside of me. That is a decision I CAN live with for the rest of my life. This was an incredibly hard choice to make....luckily my husband and I both feel okay with this decision.

So after we talked to the doctor of our decision to not deliver in the next 24-48 hours, they let me eat at 8:30pm! Finally! I was starving! They had me hooked up in a bed to a tube of fluids, a blood pressure monitor on one finger and 3 dopplers on my belly. It was not comfortable at all....I can see how people get bed sores being in the hospital!! Even getting up to go to the bathroom was a huge ordeal. I had to call a nurse, have them unplug me and wheel me to the bathroom in my room. Of course in the middle of that night that was like every hour! Luckily every nurse that worked with me was AWESOME! Same with the doctors....we are so lucky to be where we are at. They always took care of me with a smile and not one complaint about our care. It was just really hard to sleep there. I think I finally dozed off for a second about 4am but it was hard to stay asleep. My dopplers were so frustrating! They are not meant for babies so small. They kept losing the heart signal constantly and the nurse had to come in every hour and adjust them on me. Ugh! Not a fun night! My husband stayed with me until about 1am but I told him to go home. He was not going to get any sleep if he stayed. We only live 5 miles from the hospital so I wasn't worried about anything. About 7:15am, I just decided to get up and turn the TV on and stop fighting the idea that I was going to actually sleep in that uncomfortable bed with all of these needles and monitors on my hands.

My Dad and Step Mom came by about 9am to keep me company. The nurses gave me breakfast which I devoured. Pretty much just waited all morning for my shot and ultrasound appt at 2pm. Glad to have my Dad there to talk to me.

At 2pm, a guy wheeled in with a wheelchair and whisked me to the Perinatology dept where my doctor gave me an ultrasound. She had a hard time getting a good read on Baby Girl and at that point told me the dopplers looked better then yesterday. (Isn't that always how it is!!??) She said she isn't sure why they got better...might have been the strict bedrest from the overnight stay, the fluids or just coincidence. Who the heck knows!! I go back on Friday for another ultrasound and tour of the NICU and then another ultrasound on Wednesday. My doctor wheeled me back to my room where they gave me the last dose of the steroid shot and I got dressed and was discharged at about 5pm.

Wow...what a day! Not sure what to think with all of this information! I am trying to stay hopeful but also have in the back of my mind that Baby B may not make it. =( I sure hope she does though. Only time will tell and I will continue to take it easy and drink lots of water and Ensure and eat healthy. That is all I can really do at this point!

Hoping for healthy and happy September babies now!! xoxo

Stable!!

Wooohoooooo!!! That is exactly the word I wanted to hear today at our ultrasound!!!!

My usual Perinatologist was not in today because she was doing a surgery today but Dr. Robinson met with me. She was the one I met with before at my 18 week scan who scared the crap out of me about Baby C having deformed hands. I was a bit nervous to see her today but it was a great appt. I got to see my favorite ultrasound tech Elspeth today...so that helped my nerves. She is the one that did the appt when we lost Baby Grace and she is just a sweetheart. She checked all of their fluids, blood flow, heartbeats and anatomy. Then the doctor came in and went over the findings:

Baby A: perfect! He is doing great and has continually showed strength. It's amazing...this poor guy has been surrounded by so much choas with his sisters and me that he must be on major estrogen overload LOL! But he does not seem to be phased by anything happening. *phew* He is also not very shy either...every appt he is showing off his penis for the world to see Ha! Ha!

Baby B: No growth scan was done today since one was done last week. They will measure on the 26th to see how much both have grown. Her amniotic fluid is still lower then average but it has not gotten worst. Her bladder was full of amniotic fluid which to the doctor was positive because it means she is swallowing and urinating like she should. Her blood flow from the placenta is still low but has not regressed. Last week the ultrasound had shown regression but that was not the case today *hooray!* She is getting excellent blood flow to the brain so the doctor was happy about that. Overall the doctor said the good news is both babies are stable at this point! Both babies are super active with excellent heartbeats and that says a lot.

We discussed when delivery would possibly happen and they are looking at now possibly waiting for 30-32 weeks depending on how Baby B progresses. If she continues to be stable like she has been then they will push to 32 weeks but definitely not any further then that. So we are hoping now that we have mid-September babies! So we have another fluid check ultrasound next Thursday and then another growth scan on the 26th which will tell us a lot about how she is growing. I will be 28 weeks and 4 days by then. They are going to set me up with a NICU tour that day as well.

Okay and this is lame...I asked about having a tour of the maternity ward and guess what? They only do those online! Lame! I am going to watch the video today from my computer....just dosen't feel the same! But they will let me tour the NICU since it's for sure my babies will be living there for a while. Doctor is trying to set that up for the 26th as well.

So FOR ONCE...I left the hospital with tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face. I feel hopeful! Anything can change...anything can turn...I was so positive that Baby C would make it and look what happened to her but I can't think that the same thing will happen to Baby B. I am going to enjoy this high feeling of hope and love. When I called my husband about the appt (poor guy was planning to be with me but got called into work--major work project going on today!) I could feel the sense of relief in his voice and the blood coming back to his face. He knows I have been drinking those Ensure drinks 3-4 a day and he said "Keep drinking them! Not sure if they are helping but we'll buy more!" hehe Called all of our parents and they are relieved and elated about the news too. They were all on the edge of their seats today.

So on to a great weekend! When I came home there were THREE big boxes of gifts on my front door!!!! Wow!! One box does not indicate who it is from though...I even opened it and no paper indicating who bought it...boooo! I need to figure it out because this person spent $200 for this gift!

AND...my Mom and Aunts are throwing my first shower on Sunday! I am soooooo excited!!!! I know I am going to be a big emotional mess....but in a good way!

Alrighty....I could write about this ALL day but I am sure I have said enough. The babies are good....I love you all and your beautiful love and prayers and great thoughts have helped me. I am so grateful to each and every one of you!!!

Love from me and the babies!

PS...I woke up to MORE stretchmarks today and I LOVE IT!

19 more days

That is how long I can expect to be pregnant for *sigh*

Doctor's appt today (like ALWAYS) was not a good one...for once I would love to walk out of there feeling positive and good about my babies but I think that has happened once this whole pregnancy. *sigh*

Baby Boy A is measuring well and right on schedule...he is currently 1 lb and 10 oz. He has no problems and appears to be growing and receiving nutrients.

Baby Girl B is measuring behind 3 weeks and is 1 lb and 2 oz. Her amniotic fluid is still very low and her blood flow from the placenta continues to worsten.

Doctors says that this is the point if it was a singleton that she would have me do an immediate cesarean. I am 25 weeks and 2 days today. As much as I would love to save both of these babies, my husband and I (as well as the doctor) feel it's best to wait until 28 weeks to do a delivery. We would rather bring home one healthy baby then risk the chance of both babies not living after birth. The choices and decisions that come with multiples is so hard to bear. I am really just dying inside right now....numb also because I just don't know what will happen and if I am doing the right thing.

If Baby B is still alive by week 27 (doctor thinks the chances of that are pretty low though), she will have us do the steroid shot and then plan to do the cesarian around August 23rd. At that point both babies will be 28 weeks and have a higher chance of survival outside of the womb and being taken care.

I don't know what or why this is happening. I feel like I have been teased from Day 1. As grateful as I am to have been blessed with triplets, I wish now that it had been a singleton pregnancy from the beginning. The liklihood of my heart breaking every minute would probably not happen and I would have never had gotten my heart set on having three babies. That will never happen again and the chances of having twins now is very low too. Maybe the Karma train decided to make a U-turn and make me and the babies suffer for something I have done in my life that was wrong. Maybe that dreaded demon called "Infertility" wants to see me continue suffering and is taking away babies from me so I can be taught a lesson? I thought getting pregnant was hard.....this is a million times worst. Having the loss of a child this far along or knowing that it can happen again hurts a million times worst then all the BFNs I have ever had.

After the appt, I met with that nice lady Leila after her son's appt. Her husband came with her too and it was nice to meet all of them. I cried so hard when I saw her and she held me forever. I was glad I could do that with her and she gave me a lot of encouragement. Her husband was so wonderful too and gave me a lot of love and encouragement as well. Their son Liam is perfect at 7 months old. Her sons were identical and both born at 1 lb 8 oz and 1 lb 9 oz at 24 weeks. Sadly her son Ewan only lived to 70 days or so. She was so sweet....she makes baskets for the NICU Moms and brings them to them and she said she already started making mine and it will be a little extra special. How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredibly generous woman?

So now I sit here, eating a whole box of Nestle ice cream drumsticks crying my eyes out for whatever the future holds for us. I would love to believe that Baby B will survive and make it but part of me has a hard time being strong and believing that. I was strong for Baby Grace and looked what happened. Then I thought after her loss that things would be so much easier for the other two but it seems to have taken a turn for the worst.

Through this all though, we do have a son who is healthy as can be. I need to keep remembering that. I feel completely selfish about everything else and I want it all but we do have that little boy that will probably survive and be a joy to our lives. I may never get to experience a full term pregnancy or get to the point of waddling or feeling so uncomfortable or get to that point of running to the L&D because I think something is wrong. I may never get to have a baby shower the way I imagined I would but at the end of all of this....I will be blessed with a healthy son....and hopefully a healthy daughter too. Until then...this will be the longest 19 days of my life.

Seeing the Silver Lining

It's been a rough week for me...shed a lot of tears, felt sorry for myself and questioned so many things about what was happening with the pregnancy. It's taken the week to realize that I am truly lucky and blessed and I need to hold on to that. I have TWO babies in my belly that want to come home to us and that is more then I ever imagined I would ever have or what many couples will ever have. That is a lot and it is amazing!

The local Multiples Club that I am a part of had hooked me up with a super awesome Triplet Mom back when we found out we were having three. I was so grateful to her...she has been awesome. She knew we lost Grace and set me up with another woman near me who was pregnant with twins last year and had to deliver them at 24 weeks. Sadly one of her boys only lived 70 days but her other son is now 7 months old and thriving and so beautiful. Her name is Leila and she has been such an inspiration to me. We have talked on the phone a few times and have sent multiple letters of encouragement back and forth on Facebook. I am excited that she also delivered her boys at the same hospital that I am at and she told me over and over yesterday that we are in the best hands with the best doctors. She dealt with all of the perinatologists that I have and also the NICU doctor we met with on Monday. Leila felt that although she lost her son, she never once doubted that she was not in the best of care and that many of the doctors at our hospital also work or affiliated with Stanford. Her telling me this really helped me to cope. I never doubted our care or my doctors and it's nice to know that I can continue with the pregnancy and feel good. Leila and I are meeting at the hospital next week when her son has an appt. I can't wait to hug her. She is so sweet....she tells me over and over "I know we have not met yet but I love you a lot". She has given me more support and love then most people that have been in my life for years. I just feel so lucky to have her support and experience to learn from. She kept things in perspective for me and told me "You still have 2 beautiful babies in your belly! No one has left you yet...cherish that and stop worrying that it will happen because everything will probably work out!"

After our phone conversation yesterday (that lasted about 2 hours this time!) I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. She told me to enjoy all of those kicks and thumps in my belly because it's my babies telling me they are okay. I need to get through my stubborn brain that I AM having a boy and a girl and that I need to not be afraid to yell that from the rooftops. I will forever miss Grace but I am having TWINS and that is amazing!

Another amazing thing (or two).....I have two baby showers planned in August!!!! My Aunts are throwing one for me August 14th and a group of my Dance friends are throwing me another one on August 27th!! I feel so blessed and excited! I have to stop worrying that the babies will be born before then...and just go with all of this and be happy and excited. The babies will come when they are good and ready and I am hoping that is at least not until mid Septemeber at the earliest.

Thanks for listening to me ramble! I love you all!

Bitter

Well the good news is Baby B is still alive and moving alot.

The bad news is that her amniotic fluid is low and continues to have placental issues and lower growth.

The doctor is very concerned and will see me again next week to check her growth and fluids. She discussed early delivery which we are not going to do yet (and she advised to wait a few more weeks). We are thinking to wait until at least 28 weeks since so many complications and problems can happen between 24-26 weeks. The doctor also recommended possibly me staying in the hospital within the next week or so until I give birth. We met with the NICU doctor today after our appt to go over statistics of outcomes for babies born before 28 weeks. Heartbreaking!

The appt next Wed will give us more information. Honestly I will not be surprised if Baby B has no heartbeat next week. I am tired of being optomistic and upbeat when all it has done is bring us constant pain and heartache. The likleyhood of her surviving is so slim.....I do agree that miracles happen but I dunno....it just seems so unlikly that the outcome will be good for her. We do have a healthy baby boy that I am totally grateful every day for but incredibly sad for because he will never get to meet or know his sisters.

I just don't get it...I feel like we we had everything and were on top of the world and then poof! taken away in an instance. Why does this happen? I feel sorry for my babies.....I have had such an easy pregnancy and have felt great while they sit there and struggle to survive. I don't get it....they never did anything wrong.

I'm sad...I'm bitter....this wasn't suppose to be the way it happens. My husband and I named Baby B today but it makes me so so sad.

Baby Grace is now an Angel in Heaven.....

We had our 22 week ultrasound yesterday for our babies and sadly found out that Baby C Grace passed away sometime in the past 2 weeks. She had no heartbeat when the u/s tech checked her. I am sad...devastated....hurt.....I just cannot believe she is gone. I guess she knew she was not ready for the world and went to Heaven instead. I am crushed....we no longer have triplets and that is just breaking my heart. How do you heal from this news? How do you tell people you love that one of the girls is gone? After the appt, I went straight to my husband's work and told him in the car. He was shocked of course...sad too. I don't think he expected this news today either.

On the bright note though...we do have our twins (which is so weird for me to say now). Baby A boy is doing really well and over a pound now. He wasn't as active as he usually is and the tech said it was because he sensed his Mom's sadness. I lost it after she said that....she was so sweet about everything. Baby B girl, the doctor is concerned about and this is coming from the doctor I trust and like. Her blood flow from the placenta is not as strong as it should be and she is worried about that because she believes that is why Baby C passed away. Baby B is slightly smaller then her brother but nothing alarming. The doctor wants me back in 2 weeks to check on everything and I pray and hope that Baby B will be okay. I really do not think I can handle another baby loss right now. The doctor told me to be prepared that if things do not look good at my 24 week ultrasound that they might have to deliver the twins early. Ugh! I really hope not....why can't things be normal or good?!

The doctor has released me from work which I am grateful for. I am doing fine...my cervix is nice and high and tight and I feel great overall but with the news today, I just can't even think about anything right now. She signed the note for me and I went down to the business office at Kaiser after to start the process for disability. I think I really need this time to grieve and focus on the health of those babies even though I am fine now. The doctor said I will be getting really big and it's just a matter of time anyways that I would be out on bedrest. It's sort of a relief now being at home knowing that I don't have to think or worry about work right now.

So here I am.....so many things to think about and changes. We bought the triplet stroller in April that we plan to sell now. I cannot keep it...I cannot even look at it without crying my heart out. Hopefully we can sell it on craigslist fast. We had plans to go look at a used minivan this weekend about an hour away but we are not going to buy one now. The cars we have now will be perfect for twins anyways. I need to update my baby registry to change items from 3 to 2 as well. We still plan to have the baby shower on Sunday unless my husband changes his mind. Sorry to sound this all out...I just need to let it out. I grieve best with a plan and a focus. I miss my daughter but I know I need to stay strong for the other two and move on. There is nothing I can do to bring her back.

The thought of calling my Mom about this news is killing me....but I know I have to. How do I tell her? I just want to cry! How do I tell everyone? I have been posting all over Facebook about the triplets....is there an eloquent way of posting something on FB about it so that I don't have to tell or explain to everyone? I need help.....this is so hard. I feel like I am a neverending waterfall right now.

20 weeks!!

I simply cannot believe I am 20 weeks pregnant. I sit here in total awe thinking to myself, "Is this REALLY happening to me? Am I in a dream? How did I get so lucky?" There are days where I just feel like I am in a dream. All those years of heartache and tears and wanting to have a family and here I am today....pregnant with three! If you had told me last year...heck if you told me 6 months ago that I was going to have triplets, I would NEVER believe it!

Today was our 20 week appointment. I will be honest...I was NERVOUS about it! This is right around the time where the average Mom of triplets goes out on bedrest. I met with an NP that I had never met before but I really really liked her! She was easy to talk to and listened to me. I had to do my pee test first and get weighed. She did a belly ultrasound of the babies and all three were kicking around and having fun! Baby A (boy) and Baby C (Grace) are really the most active. They are constantly bumping into each other and it's really fun to see. I wonder if that is how it will be when they are out in the world. Baby B continues to be my quiet, content little girl. Baby Grace continues to look smaller then her brother and sister but every week she looks to be growing more and more. Plus they were worried about her amniotic fluid being low last week but today it looked to be improving! Yeah! My little fighter!

My cervix looked great too...which is what I was really worried about.

NP stated that I didn't need to go on bedrest at this moment and that I look to be carrying very well. My weight looks good. According to the chart, I gained 13 lbs since the beginning of May. The NP dosen't think that is completely accurate because different scales were used. She dosen't seem concerned about my weight but referring me to a nutrition specialist and wants me to continue eating the same I am now until my consultation. We also discussed pre-term labor and gave me a booklet to read and signed me up for a pre-term labor seminar with the Perinatologist.

I also had my momentous one-hour Blood glucose test today! That was pretty uneventful because I actually expected it to be awful but it was easy. The drink was tasty and I sat around in the lab for an hour. Luckily my friend Susan was also at the hospital for an appt for herself and her and her daughter came and kept me company for the hour before the blood draw! I was so happy! Hopefully the results come back in my favor and that I never have to worry about Gestational diabetes!

Our next appt is July 13th but lately I have noticed that always changes depending on lab or test results. I might be going back sooner if my diabetes test comes back unfavorable.

I am feeling great and experiencing no pain or concerns! So amazing! I guess I should have bit my tongue all of those years cursing my mother for blessing me with such curvy hips LOL! I now know why I was blessed with them and that makes me smile. I will never criticize my hips again!

A HUGE sigh of relief!!!!

I wrote this on Thursday night.......

I can finally say that I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy what is going on right now. Of course nothing is for certain and I am sure there will be plenty of more obstacles with this pregnancy but I feel great right now.

This morning my husband and I went to the doctor appt and had another full ultrasound measuring the babies and checking them out. I think this u/s technician did not like my husband LOL! She was being such a bitch to him. I felt bad...poor guy. She was so sweet to me....I have no idea what her problem with him was. He accidently bumped the table while she was doing the u/s and she stops looks at him and says "Okay. I am going to ask you to not touch the table at all during this appt". I wanted to bust up laughing because it was so crude the way she said it. My poor husband sheepishly says "Oh. Sorry". I just grabbed his shoulder and said "It's okay babe. It was an accident...I know that". I know he was irritated with her. Then he decides to take his phone out of his pocket because it was poking him and the light came on and again she says in the same exact tone and manner "Okay. I am going to ask you not to have your phone on during the appt. The light is distracting and I have a lot to look at here." OMG! I just told the tech that it won't happen again and looked at my husband who wouldn't look at me...he was pissed LOL! Anyways...that was the funny part of the appt.

So...Dr Lin comes in about an hour later to check out the results of the u/s. I had her as my doctor at my 12 week scan and I really liked her. I felt like she explained things well and spoke to me in a manner that was calm and straightforward.

She addressed all of the concerns that the other doctor had on Friday looking at the scans. She saw no problem of the heart (thank God!) She says generally they don't check the heart until 20 weeks because it's not really fully developed until then. She showed me the chambers and went through the heart and the blood pumping. Then on the hands because the last doctor felt like she had abnormal hands. Well we looked at her hands and they looked great....all 4 fingers and a thumb and we could clearly see the bones. Again....wonderful news to hear!

Her only two concerns were of course the slow growth. Grace is still measuring 2 weeks behind BUT she has grown since last Friday's ultrasound which was encouraging. The other thing she noticed was with the placenta there is usually 3 vessel cords which go from the umbilical cord to the placenta....she has 2 which might be causing her slow growth or not. My husband and I left the appt feeling MUCH better. Still I was a bit annoyed at what the other doctor said...I know she isn't God and she isn't perfect but she really got me worked up in a bad way. =(

So after the appt, my husband left for work and I went to grab a bite at a local deli. Dr Lin called me at that time and asked me if it was okay if I come back to see her today or tomorrow. She was really concerned about the placentas and didn't feel like she got a good look at them today. I said I could be there in 15 mins. She met me back at the same room during lunch hour so no one was there and she could spend as much time as she needed. Really made me feel better that she cared enough to look and have me come in at no cost. She found the 3 placentas and was happy to see that so they are definitely fraternal. This was reassuring because if something does go wrong with one of the babies, the other two will be self sufficent because of their placentas. She wants me to come back next Wed to take a look again. She also asked me about my job and I told her that for the most part my job is a desk job but I do have site inspections that I go on 1-3 times a week and have to drive around and meet clients and check on things. She told me she no longer wants me to do that part of my job and to strictly stick to sitting at a desk. She wants me off my feet as much as possible right now. She wrote me a note and I will give it to my boss tomorrow....I am sure she will "love" that LOL! Oh well.....not my worry any more!

So overall it was a great day and I feel a huge sense of relief...of course things are still high risk and I am sure anything can happen at this point but I feel better...much better! I actually enjoyed my day! I went and got my hair cut finally after 3 months and I can wake up tomorrow feeling beautiful and knowing my babies are awesome!

Today I am 18 weeks and 3 days....moving quickly!

Thank you for all of the prayers, good advice and love....I think it really did help us get back on track! xoxxo

Bittersweet

Yesterday we had our big anatomy ultrasound and found out that we are having 2 girls and a boy! So amazing and what a nice surprise!! I was for certain we were having 3 boys! LOL!

All seemed to go well during our appt until the end when the doctor came in. I didn't see it coming at all.....but the doctor sat with me and said that the tech may have found some abnormalties with Baby Girl C. She is growing 2 weeks behind her brother and sister and appears to have a heart defect. I didn't even know what to say through all of this but the tears started pouring out and that was when I cried harder then I have ever before on that ultrasound table. How could this be happening at almost 18 weeks along? Could we really lose one of our babies in utero?

We have decided at this time to go on as normal.....tell everyone about the triplets being a boy and 2 girls because there is still that chance that she might make it. I have an appt next Thursday with the genetic counselor and to schedule an amnio and whatever else I have to do.

I am so sad today....I should be screaming from the top of my lungs about this. I called my parents and brother about the great news about the boy and the girls but it was so hard for me to hold back tears. I just do not have the energy or will to tell them what is going on. I can't break their hearts. There is still that chance that she will make it!! Yesterday was suppose to be a great day for us knowing the genders but instead I was sad and cried all day about the news.

I woke up today feeling more positive. I cried a lot yesterday and my husband and I talked and agreed not to jump to any conclusions or drastic measures until we have more answers and get at least 3 doctors opinions of all of this. Miracles happen every single day. She might be small and she might have a heart problem.....but she can survive! She comes from a longggg line of strong women (my Mom in particular!) and I was born 2 months early weighting 3lbs 6 oz and I have lived a happy normal life. I just have to keep believing in her to win this fight. All day yesterday I was rubbing to the right of my belly button where she is growing right now. I talk to her and tell her to be strong. I also talk to her siblings and tell them to help her grow healthy. As sad as this all is for me and my husband, I want her to survive, not for us two but for her siblings. I want them to have a sister! I think that is very special. I have a name for her that I want to call her even if she does not survive. I need to talk to my husband and see how he feels about naming her now. I think it will be good for all of us to have an identity for her.

Last night after dinner, my husband and I were driving home and on the radio came on "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago...still one of my all time favorite songs. My husband just started belting out all of the words singing in the car so loudly to the song. I was shocked! I had no idea he even knew about this song! I asked him "When did you ever start listening to Chicago?". He said "What do you mean? I have always loved this song. They are such a great band!" I was shocked! I love that song! And of course listening to the lyrics last night I was BAWLING in the car....completely reminds me of what we are going through right now together. I feel so lucky and blessed with him.

Today is a new day....I have to keep believing that she will get through all of this and I need to stay strong for all three of my babies. Shutting down and thinking the worst is not healthy right now. I still cry but I am only human. I plan to do some retail therapy today. Maybe finally go out and get the babies some things! I also need some more maternity pants...the one pair of pants and shorts I have is not cutting it right now. ;) I updated our babies registry to reflect Bumbo seats in pink, blue and purple! I think those are some nice colors together.

For now, I continue to be the Mom of 3 beautiful children and hope that never changes. Hoping for more answers in the next month or so.

16 weeks!

Wow I cannot believe I am 16 weeks pregnant today! So far so good! I haven't had an ultrasound to see my little ones in over 3 weeks but I am still feeling good. We have our big ultrasound next Friday the 10th and should find out the genders for sure. Super excited! It will be nice to finally start discussing names and calling them by names and identifying them.

I don't have much to report honestly! I have some lower pressure in my bladder quite often but I think it's because the babies are sitting right on my bladder. My tailbone bothers me from time to time as well but thinking if I get a donut pillow that it will help with the pressure. I still feel great and not as tired as I was in the beginning.

We are right in the process of packing and getting ready for our big move on Saturday. I cannot wait to be done and moved already! Luckily my husband has been awesome with doing all of the lifting and bringing boxes over to the new home. I stay busy packing and uncluttering things which hasn't been too bad. Just a few more days living in this condo and away from that crazy neighbor! Yeahhh!

That is all for now! xoxo

Second Trimester! Wow!

Finally passed the first trimester mark this week! Yeah! Of course as sad as it is, I am still cautiously optimistic and hopeful to bring my three babies home with me safe and healthy one day.

Nothing new to report really since my last ultrasound was last week and I won't be having one until June 10th. A big change for me since for the past 6 weeks, I've had at least one ultrasound a week. I know it will be worth the wait when we find out the genders on June 10th. Can't wait for that day! It will finally seem real to me to put a name to each of them. My husband and I have yet to agree on names although I think we have settled on the middle name. I figure when we find out what they all are, we can really sit down and focus on the names rather then go back and forth on what we like or not like. My good friend is also pregnant (5 weeks ahead of me) and found out yesterday she is having a girl *yeah* and thank goodness she told me the name they picked out already so I feel safe there. I would feel incredibly sad if her and I liked the same name!

We are moving from our 2 bedroom condo into our 3 bedroom home June 4th so that has been the big thing going on these days. I am doing most of the light packing and my husband has been focusing on getting friends to help on moving day, resurfacing the hardwood floors, buying boxes, etc. I will be so happy when this move finally happens and be done! Also I think I have mentioned that our next door neighbor is suing us for our hardwood floors/noise transmission and the meditation for that is June 6th and I hope the whole case is dropped so we can move on with our lives and start really focusing on these babies!

We started dabbling in our registry and that is super overwhelming! What do you buy for three babies? Do we use cloth or disposable this or that? Ahhhh! So much to think about! Luckily when I go out on bedrest between 20-24 weeks I can focus on that via the internet and do some research. This whole thing will be a trial and error for us and hoping that people want to give us their gently used furniture/baby items.

I feel like I am growing every week....my belly measured a whole inch from last week so that is promising. A lot of people tell me that they were much bigger at 14 weeks with a singleton. Is that suppose to be reassuring to me? LOL! I am not getting too worked about it...everyone's bodies are different and I am glad that I am not blowing up too quickly because I know I will get really big really fast with three and wish I could move around like I can now.

Here is my latest photo taken today before yoga class....14 weeks and 1 day! Love you all!! xoxo

13 weeks!

Above is the picture taken of me on Mother's Day at almost 13 weeks pregnant!

May 9th...this was the week that we had scheduled to do our IVF retrieval and transfer. I remember when we initially scheduled it at the end of January how far away it seemed and how anxious I was. It's sort of strange in a good way though to sit here and reflect....being 13 weeks pregnant with triplets! I feel so blessed and lucky that we never had to go through IVF.

Today I had my first Perinatology appt with my new high risk doctor. I was so happy to see the babies again on the ultrasound screen. My doctor explained all the complications and risks, what to expect as far as pre-term labor. I liked her a lot but found it kind of weird that she didn't even help to wipe off the ultrasound goop off my belly after the appt was over or that she left the door open when she walked out of the room. Really??!! I'm half naked on the table! A tad big annoying!

So after being spoiled with three ultrasounds in the last 8 days, alas I will not be seeing our babies again until June 10th at our big ultrasound. It will be exciting to find out the genders for sure at that point.

I did have one scary scenario happen this past weekend! We went to Palm Springs for a wedding and the day after, we went on this tram that took you up to the top of the mountain. Palm Springs has an elevation of about 400 feet and this tram took you up to over 8,000 feet within about 15 minutes. I probably should not have done it. I was okay going up and a bit winded at the top due to the thin air but coming down was awful! The ride down was crowded, hot and someone was breathing on me that had just drank hazelnut coffee Blah! I just latched on to my husband and did the best with breathing I could. We were getting close to the end and I thought I might lose it. I was getting super light headed, my vision was blackening and I felt my legs getting wobbly. My husband held me tight and talked me through it all telling me that we were almost there, when people were leaving and when the car was empty so we could leave without bumping into any one. I hit the fresh air and thought I might collapse but luckily a chair was nearby and I sat down immediately. I leaned over the rail and threw up a tiny bit which made me feel better! The driver of the car told me I looked really white LOL! Luckily he had a bottle of water to give me and I graciously took it from him. After a few minutes I was feeling better and we all went to eat after and I have felt good ever since. I will not be pushing myself like that again!

I have my first prenatal Yoga class this Wed that I am looking forward to. My hospital also offers a Mommy-to-Be class the second Monday of the month. I went to my 2nd class today and it's so neat to meet other Mom's and just sit around talk about our pregnancies and ask questions conducted by a Health Educator/Doula. All of them are having singletons and find me fascinating to talk to LOL! I swear...these kids are already celebrities ;)

My doctor says to expect to go out on Bedrest about 20 weeks to 24 weeks. That is right around beginning of July. Not looking forward to it but it will be best for the babies I am sure and I could probably use the down time to prepare things online before they come.

Other then that...feeling great! Wearing my maternity clothes and growing my belly!

I know the babies' gender(s)! (maybe!)

So the NT scan went great....boy was it long! I was there almost 2 hours. Felt bad for the nurse because her arm and eyes were getting tired and she had to take a couple of breaks. Pretty cool to have the ultrasound on my belly! All babies checked out fine at this point with Baby A and B measuring the same and Baby C a few days behind and a little smaller. It was so cool to see them moving about and I finally heard heartbeats!! Baby A was the wild one moving around like crazy! It was so neat!

So the doctor when she came in after the nurse did the measurements asked if I wanted to know gender and I said yes. She told me it might not be exact but that she could try to guess. Well funny thing...her thoughts correlated exactly what the nurse thought! Not getting hopes up because anything can change but it would be super cool if my intuition was right since the beginning!

Sooooooo if everything today was accurate, Baby A and B are.......I'm keeping it to myself for now =P heheh

Other good news, the doctor called me back last night and reported that the babies are at low risk for downs syndrome and other birth defects! Such a relief!!!

Off to pack for Palm Springs now! I tried the bridesmaid dress on Wed and my husband said "Thank God the wedding is this weekend!". I am sort of popping out....but my boobs look great ;)

12 weeks!!

(This journal was written on Monday May 2, 2011)

So my triplets are 12 weeks tomorrow! Pretty exciting! So much to talk about in this journal!

So to start it off, my husband and I had planned this nice weekend get away to Wine Country this weekend as sort of a late birthday gift for me. We left Saturday and toured some wineries and my husband got to sample some wine. Lucky me got the discounted kids' rate and drank homemade apple juice! It was SO hot in Napa....I was realizing then that pregnancy and heat do not mix and I usually am a hot sun lover. Several times I had to stop and take a break because I really thought I might pass out. Ugh! But we took our time and my husband was very understanding although I am sure he was annoyed...he likes to Go Go Go! Usually I do too....but not these days. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner Saturday night and my husband got us the cutest little cottage for the night. It was wonderful! Just exactly what we needed! Oh and as we were shopping around that afternoon...ran into a consignment shop and bought some Gap Maternity Jeans for $7! Score! What a deal! Sunday we went downtown and ran into a Tamale Festival which was awesome...I chowed down on two yummy tamales. My husband had a surprise for me at 1pm so I was anxious to find out what it was. Finally time to go and his surprise was a Mom-to-Be bath and prenatal massage!! How sweet is that!!! I was totally not expecting that and I felt bad that he spent so much money on it but I guess it was my birthday weekend and he really enjoyed his bath and massage too.

We had found a triplets stroller on Craigslist that we were interested in buying. The gal was selling it for $350 (she bought it for $1200 brand new when she first had her triplets). I thought it was cool and also sort of coincidental that she lived in Napa and we were going there that weekend! We never go to Napa so I felt like it was meant to be. We met with her at 4 and I got to meet her 2 boys and a girl. Nicest lady and we tried so hard to squeeze that huge stroller into the back of my little Mazda 3 hatchback but we did it! She also gave us a crib matteress and a bunch of other things. She was trying to give me 2 cribs too but we were filled to the max. So sweet! I was glad we got it and we are happy with the purchase. Yeahh! One big thing off the list to get!

Today was my first doctor's appt with a regular Ob/Gyn! I was sooo nervous because I just was so worried that something happened to one of our triplets. Just always expecting the worst I guess. Well happy to report that all three are growing right along with little heartbeats and I saw one do a somersault! How cool! hehe The doctor was really nice and of course went over all the stuff they told me before about complications with triplets and how I might wind up with all three in wheelchairs or all three could be totally healthy. Way to go to be a downer but I kept positive and said we did not want to reduce and I felt great and that we were just going to take things as they come. She went over all kinds of regular check up things with me. Explained to me that my Perinatologist will probably be my main doctor through this whole experience. I meet her next Monday. I might meet with this Ob/Gyn a few more times but more then likely move right on over to the high risk specialist which is fine with me. Tomorrow I have my nuchal scan which I hear for me is going to take about 3 hours! Wow! LOL! They had to block out three appt times just for me. Looking forward to that and seeing my babies again. What a treat to see them all 3 times in 8 days (including the appt next Monday!)

I celebrated with the great ultrasound by heading to the maternity store. I have not bought any clothes yet but I am noticing that I am growing. My belly button has changed...it's kind of a cute thing. It's not as deep as it use to be! So I went to the store and looked around. Tried on a million things it seemed. I called my husband and asked him how much I could spend because he said I could put the maternity clothes on our joint account (awesome!) LOL! I got quite a few things...probably more then I should have but definitely things I will wear again and all summery light things....a cotton summery dress, 2 t-shirts, khaki shorts, gray cargo light material pants and a bathing suit and cover up! I look forward to wearing all of them. I am in a wedding in Palm Springs this weekend where its suppose to hit 100 degrees so the new clothes might work out perfect with the hot weather. Not going to invest into too much work clothes because I can improvise with the belly band and I have quite a few empire waist work shirts.

So that is my update....I will post some pictures for everyone. My husband is bringing me home Taco Bell for dinner! For some reason, that sounds AMAZING to me right now LOL!

11 weeks today!

So I am officially 11 weeks pregnant today! So far so good....been feeling really good except for being super tired and having sore breasts. I feel so lucky to have no vomiting! Apparently that means I am having all boys according to people I talk to LOL!

So after the uneventful reveal with my In-Laws last weekend I wasn't feeling all that positive that my Dad would take it really well...and I was sadly correct on that. My Dad and Step-Mom, Step-brother and his kids, my brother and my Uncle all gathered together for a nice Easter day together on Saturday. I was trying to find the right moment to tell everyone. Finally after every one moved outside to the back patio I figured it would be a good time. Ran to the car and brought out the bag. Told my Step-Mom that we had a gift for her and my Dad for Easter. So my Dad is standing there BBQing the ham while my Step-Mom pulls out the frame we made. She was estatic and said "OMG! Are you pregnant!?" She didn't quite get that it was three so I said..."Yep! With three!" Everyone started talking and getting excited...unfortunately I looked at my Dad and he just made the most sour face and said "OH NO! 3??" I was so heartbroken. It looked like I told him I was just arrested! Oh well...everyone else was super excited and that I tried to focus on. My brother was thrilled and I think my Step-brother was more excited then anyone! LOL! He gave me tons of advice and told me how great it was that his kids were 16 months apart and that he loved that they were only a grade apart. Sadly my Dad didn't really say a word to me the rest of the day. I don't think he is mad about it but it's clear that he has no idea what to say and is a bit shocked. My Step-Mom of course made up for all of it and is so happy to be a Grandma again since no babies have been in the family now for 9 years. She called up my Step-Sister and she is so excited too and planning a trip to visit us this summer.

Then Sunday came time for my Mom's side which I know would be the positive reaction and so glad I saved them for last! When my brother, husband and I showed up to my Aunt's house we sort of hung out and waited for a good time to make the reveal. Two of my cousins were still at their Dad's place but expected to make it back to their Moms about 4:30 so I decided to wait until then to surprise everyone. My cousins showed up right on time and I went out and grabbed the bag with the frame. It was kind of funny because I come from a really large Italian family so the room was packed with people in the kitchen waiting for food while the other half is glued to the Oakland A's baseball game. So I hand my Mom the bag and tell her we had an Easter gift for her. She was so excited but my Aunt thought it was weird that I was giving my Mom the gift right then LOL! So my Mom pulls it out and says "Oh how cute" (obviously she is not looking hard enough LOL! because she thought I just made her a frame!) I told her to pull it out and look at it...she she holds it up and still looks confused. One of my Aunts is behind her and says "OMG! Monica is pregnant!" They still didn't get the fact that it was three so I said "I am! With triplets!" All of my Aunts and cousins and Uncles started running over to hug me and everyone was crying and so supportive and happy and telling me they loved us so much. (Awww I am choking up writing this!) It was such the perfect way! My Mom is so thrilled! She is a bit shocked but very very happy! My Aunts are all talking about showers and taking a gender poll to see who wins LOL! It was the best Easter ever! Then they got on the phone and started calling all of my other Aunts and Uncle and Cousins who weren't there....it was fun!

Other then that...things are great! I am still trying to deal with all the BS of work right now. They (as in my corporate office) is bugging me about when I am taking my bed rest leave. Like I have any clue when that will actually happen! I am so mad because the corporate office told my boss today that I got 12 weeks FMLA and that was it. They can only save my job for 12 weeks and then after that I have to come back or I don't have a job. Well if I go on bedrest at 20 weeks lets just say...I might not have the babies after 12 weeks! Then they go and tell my boss that if I apply for unemployment that it will be fraud. Such BS! I belong to an online Triplet Moms group on FB and happy to hear that I will qualify for a lot of help and hopefully unemployment since they have to replace me after 12 weeks. We might even qualify for WIC too which according to their website we don't but I am going to make an appt and apply...it can't hurt. We will really need any help we can get for these babies.

Love all of you! So happy to make it to 11 weeks! My next ultrasound is on Monday where I meet my new high risk OB/Gyn for the first time! Yeahhh!

10 weeks today!

This is the photo surprise I made for my Husband's parents last week. We presented it on Sunday! Boy were they surprised! Not the kind of reaction I had expected since they sort of freaked out at first about 3 babies coming but after a few hours, they warmed up to the idea and were finally happy to have 3 more Grandbabies on the way the end of this year. I tried to post a pic of each ultrasound picture here but the frame will do...it has all pictures from my Week 9 ultrasound from last Tuesday!

So last Tuesday we had our 2nd ultrasound. My husband and I were both very nervous for totally different reasons of course. My husband was nervous that the nurse would find a 4th baby (LOL!) and i was nervous that 3 would have turned to 2 or 1 or none.

I have been eating a lot lately...I am starving every few hours so when I got weighted in last Tuesday I was shocked that I was 2 lbs less then my last appt 2 weeks ago. Blood pressure was excellent too!

I had a different NP for this appt who did my second IUI so she was happy to see me again but pregnant! She did the ultrasound and immediately saw all three babies! All three have strong heartbeats, little heads and cute butts. It was AMAZING to see their heads and butts on the monitor! My husband was in awe of such a sight and how much they have changed since we first saw them 2 weeks ago. I think it's cute that all three have different due dates...all 2 days apart!

The NP did discuss that I more then likely will be told to go on bedrest at 20 weeks =( I am so not prepared for that!!! What the heck am I going to do with myself for 3 months on the couch. Ugh! My work knows and is prepared for my leaving. I really wanted to have all that time to walk around and show off my belly to the world but instead it will be parked in front of the TV LOL! Oh well....luckily it's not forever!

The NP said that everything looked great and that I was graduating from the RE clinic. A little bitter sweet but looking forward to moving on. She recommended a high risk doctor for me and sending them a message to call me. I am also still very anemic (I have been all my life) and for me to double my dose of iron pills. When I was leaving two of the nurses ran out to say Goodbye to me and were so thrilled that all three babies were doing well. Yeahhhh!

My jeans have become a little too tight and I cannot button them now so I bought a belly band thing for now until I am ready for maternity pants and shirts. My stomach has grown a lot I think since the last picture I took last week. It just keeps growing and growing! I'll have my husband do a 10 week picture this week.

I am making frames for my parents this week. I bought a bunch of scrapbook material and some stickers and fun things to put the ultrasound pictures in. We told my husband's parents/family on Sunday, my Dad this coming Saturday and my Mom's family on Easter Sunday. They are going to be SHOCKED! I saw my Mom and brother last weekend and they have no clue...I hate lying to them but it will make the surprise that much better ;)

No other things really to report! I have a Nutrition class this coming Thursday at my hospital that will be exciting to go to. On May 2nd, I have my first appt with my new high risk Ob/Gyn that I am really excited about. I can't wait to meet the doctor who will be taking care of me and my little ones for the next 6 months or so. Then on the 3rd I have an NT scan where they do a very long ultrasound to see if they can detect any kind of birth defects like Down's Syndrome. Totally not looking forward to this appt...I hope that everything comes out okay! I worry about that! I have been trying to drink more water since I am reading that the more water I drink the better it is for me and the babies. Trying to drink 128 oz of water a day...which is HARD! I have been doing what I can and I pee all the time now. It's not comfortable.

My boss had been discussing with me my mandatory bed rest that will be coming up probably around July. Our regional manager is bugging my boss about getting an exact date. LOL! I can't do that....not even my doctor really knows when it will exactly happen. Luckily by law, I don't have to give an exact date and I won't. When my doctor says I am ready to be off work, then that is when it will happen. I am not going to feed into his demands and stress myself out....it's not worth it!

Hoping to get a picture of my big growing belly this week to post! For now...all is well in the land of Triplets!