Met with a Grief Counselor

Yesterday I had my first session with the Grief counselor....I was very nervous to go. In fact, I cried all the way to the appointment. I am not sure if it was because I was scared or relieved. Maybe a combo of both. Facing my fears and feelings is usually something I am okay with doing but I guess with a new person to hear me, it was just coming back to me fresh.

First off...LOVED the counselor! I could tell right away that she was a good fit for me. I almost felt like I was talking to a friend too.

We started out talking about my grievances over the losses of Grace and Noami where I cried A LOT! Points where I could not even breathe and I just sat there for 5 minutes and got myself to a point where I could talk. The funny thing she asked me what our son's name and I told her, and it was really really odd for me to hear her talk about him using his name. I usually don't refer him by his "name" but usually call him "Baby Boy" or "Little Buddy". Her using his name made it feel so much more real but made me sad because I feel like I just haven't bonded like I wanted to yet. She told me that it was perfectly normal.

We also talked a lot about family history, my life and it was interesting to talk to her quite a bit about my past relationship I had for 3 years before I met my husband, my heavy drug use one summer (which was very embarrassing for me to talk about but I knew I needed to lay it all out on the table).

The last part of the session we spoke more on the losses and feelings of how others in my life were doing. It was more of a "getting it all out on the table" kind of session for us which is what I expected in a first meeting. She left me with a lot to think about and we have another appt together in 2 weeks. She also is having me come to a group therapy session every Tuesday morning for Third Trimester Pregnant women/Peripartum. Not sure what I will get out of a group session but I am willing to try and see what happens.

Many of the issues bothering me that her and I plan to discuss in the coming weeks are:

--learning to get over my jealousy of mothers with multiples

--dealing with my jealousy of the many, many friends in my life suddenly pregnant without having to deal with infertility

--the sadness that my husband and I feel knowing our infertility road is now not over like we had hoped with multiples.

--not holding resentment with my son and hopefully being able to bond with him with no trouble.

--deciding on whether or not I want to even see my daughters when they are born...if that will give me peace or make it more difficult since they will probably be tissue and bones by the time I do birth them and not little babies. Do I want to still go for a vaginal birth or do a cesaerean and emotionally am I able to handle. We have decided that our girls will be cremated and I will have their ashes saved in a box for our son. He can decide what he wants to do with the ashes when he is older.

So as you can see, I have A LOT to get through still which I am sure will take a long while to tackle. There is so much more to list that I could go on and on about the losses but these the are the main topics.

What I did come out of the session was, I really really wish I had met with a grief counselor during the times I was going through continual failed cycles. I went through that part of my life with such sadness and dispair and looking back now, I wish I had spoke with someone. If we do go back down the road to have another child with fertility treatments, I do plan to seek help from a professional.

And also, one other thing I did manage to do yesterday was walk into the babies room and be okay. A good friend had come over yesterday and wanted to see the room (he is an artist and wanted to see how I decorated) so I told him he was more then welcome to go in there. After a bit, I decided to join him and look around and touch things. I touched Naomi's things, saw her name on the wall and I did okay. I think it helped with my friend there. He was really impressed how cute it was. I don't think I am ready yet to take the girl things out quite yet but I know the first step needs to be to get Naomi's crib out of that room and put away. My Dad is coming to help me with that in the next week or so.

So that is where I am right now....I plan to continue to read and research on the topic of stillborn loss and hoping to come out a better person in all of this.

xoxox