I don't know why I can't move past this funk....you would think I should be happy with our son coming in about 2 weeks. I just cannot move past this sadness. I know that I need to work THROUGH stuff like this and not around it or over it but it's hard. Today I didn't even want to get up out of bed. The only reason I did was because I had to eat...and only because I am feeding not just me but my son. I had planned to make a huge plate of lasagna so that I could divide it up for several meals to freeze for us when the litle man comes. I have no motivation whatsoever. My house is not clean and it's bothering me. I wish someone would just come over and clean for me. It's not even really messy...just cat hair all over the place. I can't vaccum and my husband can't vaccum because of his allergies. Blah!
I have a group therapy session tomorrow which I am sort of anxious about....not sure how it will go being in a group with a bunch of other pregnant depressed women. Luckily I have my one on one therapy session on Thursday morning to look forward to. Then Friday is an ultrasound and NST appt. I still get nervous about going to those. With all of the crap we have been through losing our girls, I just hold my breath every day for our son praying that he is okay. I am so so nervous about the birth. I am thrilled that we will finally meet our son but I also know it's the day that I part with our girls too when they are birthed and their remains cremated. I will no longer have them inside of me...some strange reason I felt comfort knowing they were close to me. Now they won't...I think that will be hard for me. I just feel like I am at a breaking point. I just want to cry all the time.
Despite all of my crummy feelings, we are moving forward and getting ready for our son to be here. We have his stroller and car seat all ready and next week it will be installed in my car by CHP. I have been returning items that we received that were for twins and buying things for our little guy that we need. Today I am going to go to Target and return a few things and then buy baby wash and shampoo and a few other necessary baby things. I guess that will give me motivation to get out of the house.
I'm sure the next two weeks will go by sooo slow but I am going to enjoy the quiet and sleep while I can. I feel him moving about all of the time so that is always comforting. I just hope and pray that the birth goes fine and that is born a perfectly happy healthy little human being! I don't think I can handle another bad situation right now! I miss the girls so much....I wish I could do anything to bring them back to us. =(
Just keep you eyes on the prize. If I were closer I'd clean for you... Have you asked anyone?
ReplyDeleteWe had some friends that cleaned for us for a while. They were so glad to be able to do it.
It is comforting to have all your babies with your physically. The short time I knew I carried a child that was no longer with us, I found incredible comfort in their physical presence. I felt rushed into a d and c, and would have taken a while longer if I had to do it again. I know the situation is different, but I think I can understand those feelings on a small level.
ReplyDeleteI hope the group therapy goes well. Give it time- I'm sure it will take a few meetings to get comfortable. Let yourself cry! Sometimes it is just the thing (or the only thing) you need or can do.
Returning items I'm sure will be difficult, but I am glad you are able to do it and get things that you will need. 2 weeks!!!! Yes indeed- get your rest because he is almost here! xoxo
I'm sorry that your feeling that funk feeling. I lost my first son at 19 weeks. I seem to remember almost chanting "I wish he wasn't gone; he was wanted; I would do anything to fix things". Two years later I still say the same phrases from time to time. I'm glad your getting to talk it out with others. I didn't do that and I probably should have. You little guy is going to be adorable and that is for sure!
ReplyDeleteJessica Jollyjess (FB)
I hope today finds you in a new place with peace of mind and your sweet boy in your arms Moni.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being honest. I've never been in your shoes. You're demonstrating the strength and determination I only wish I could have.
ReplyDeleteTake your time and grieve. I don't think you should feel guilty for that because it's normal. I hope you're enjoying every sweet second with your new baby!