I sit here in shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, bittnerness and horrible horrible thoughts running through my head. Enough is enough already!
When given the news this morning by the ultrasound tech that there was no heartbeat....I went numb. For some reason, I knew in my heart that this would happen. I didn't cry...I just laid there staring at the wall. Another daughter gone to heaven within 2 months of her sister. Naomi had stopped growing and measured 23 weeks (I am 31 weeks). The doctor came in and told me that I cannot blame myself for this and that Baby B would have probably not survived even if we did deliver her earlier like we had talked about. It's hard not to blame yourself though and I am trying really hard to not have any regrets but it's very difficult right now.
I just cannot believe this has happened....again! Such a slap in the face and a stab to the heart. The pain I feel hurts more then anything I have ever been through. Part of me wishes I could go back to the days when we were doing our IUIs and had been told I was having ONE child. To go from having three to one is so difficult and such a tease. Am I being taught a lesson? Am I being punished? Why the fuck is this happening to us!!!!?????????????
And the sad part and I feel so fucking stupid is that I finished the babies room yesterday....it looks so perfect and now I have the pleasure of ripping Naomi's name off the wall. There are two cribs in there.....girl clothes and girl toys...pink and purple cute things. I think it would be easier to just light a match and burn down the room. I CANNOT accept that we have lost another daughter....I just cannot and I never will! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! I want to wake up from this nightmare now.
And as crazy as all of this has been....Baby Boy is a happy little guy who has not had one issue. He weighted 3 1/2 lbs today and right on target for a full term birth. I AM happy to have him...I truly am but this makes me so sad and sick that this little boy will never have a sibling to play with...an only child. I'm sad for him. I am sad too that I will always have in the back of my mind that he will not make it either. God please don't take our only living child away from us!
Mon, I am heatbroken along with you and while we may never understand the why Iwant you to know that I love you and am here for whatever you need! Xoxoxo Gina
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Monica... Words cannot express what you're going through right now. I pray for peace to you and a healthy baby boy...
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that our Church in Freeport, Il added you to our prayer list.
ReplyDeleteMy God bring you comfort in strength.
We all love you and you precious babies...
Monica - I'm sooooooooooooooo sorry!!!!! I really have no words that could make you feel any better. I was checking your blog every day and was waiting for the good news on Sept. 19th. This is so heart breaking and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I pray to God that he gives you the strength and courage to heal quickly from this so that you can enjoy the birth of your son.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and take care of yourself - your son really needs you right now!!! *HUGZ*
Monica words can not even begain to help you heal. I am so sorry that this happened to you again. I hope that in time you will heal enough to not feel it so intence. I am still keeping your family in my thoughts. I know it is hard not to feel like baby boy wont make it but he has been a fighter since the begaining and he will and you will hold him in your arms and when he can understand you will tell him of his beautiful sisters and they will watch over him. If you need anything just ask and I will do my best.
ReplyDeleteMonica, Im so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom the grief you and your family must be feeling. You have so many people thinking of you, your family and your beautiful daughters in heaven. So scream, yell, cry, whatever helps your release the emotion you must be feeling. You are so strong!
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