30 weeks vs 32 weeks?

We had another ultrasound today at 29 weeks 2 days. Both babies have strong heartbeats, moving around and now we can see their chests rising and falling as they breathe. So cute!

So now we are at a point of when to deliver. I feel like my children's destiny is in the palm of our hands and any decision we make effects their lives. This is so very very hard.

My doctor stated that she feels that delivering at 30 weeks (next Tuesday) would be fine and that both would be born small but have a high chance of survival. Baby Boy will probably be about 3 lbs by that point. Baby Girl "appears" to be growing very slowly (if not at all) and we will be lucky if she is even 2 lbs at birth. I use the word appears loosely because I know that ultrasounds are not absolutely accurate when it comes to measuring babies in utero. I'm still trying to believe that it will be wrong and she will be born weighting not too far behind her brother.

My husband wants to wait until 32 weeks though. Baby Girl has been "stable" now for weeks. Her amnio fluid amount has not changed for the worst in a few weeks. It just continues to remain the same which to us seems like good news...not great but okay. She continues to have a great heartrate, fetal movement and now showing signs of breathing with her chest rising.

I'm scared that if we wait until 32 weeks that she might not make it but its how I have felt since we found out her prognosis at week 24 and she just keeps hanging on!

Such a hard decision!! I need a freaking break!! Getting pregnant was hard, being pregnant with multiples was harder....God please let the NICU and raising babies be the easiest part! It's like the steps to becoming a parent just continue to get harder and harder. I know seeing my babies in the NICU will be the hardest part for us and I am really dreading that. I am always preparing for the worst since this pregnancy has been far from what a normal pregnancy should be. I continue to wait for the ball to drop in every situation now and I hate that.

So this is where we are at right now...not sure how to think at all. I am going to call my doctor and have her arrange an ultrasound next Tuesday at 30 weeks and see how things are going. If it continues to remain the same, we will wait. If it's worst, then we will deliver.

I want to be one of those women who bitches and complains in the hallway at the L&D that they have hit their due date and baby won't come. They don't know how lucky they are to carry their baby so far along....I wish I could. Of course we always want what we can't have right? *sigh*

I am so emotionally tired...I don't even want to think about this anymore! Hoping one day I can look back and laugh and say this was all worth the worry and tears. I pray every night that both babies are born healthy and happy human beings so I can close this chapter in my life and be DONE with the Hell of Infertility forever!