Bittersweet

Yesterday we had our big anatomy ultrasound and found out that we are having 2 girls and a boy! So amazing and what a nice surprise!! I was for certain we were having 3 boys! LOL!

All seemed to go well during our appt until the end when the doctor came in. I didn't see it coming at all.....but the doctor sat with me and said that the tech may have found some abnormalties with Baby Girl C. She is growing 2 weeks behind her brother and sister and appears to have a heart defect. I didn't even know what to say through all of this but the tears started pouring out and that was when I cried harder then I have ever before on that ultrasound table. How could this be happening at almost 18 weeks along? Could we really lose one of our babies in utero?

We have decided at this time to go on as normal.....tell everyone about the triplets being a boy and 2 girls because there is still that chance that she might make it. I have an appt next Thursday with the genetic counselor and to schedule an amnio and whatever else I have to do.

I am so sad today....I should be screaming from the top of my lungs about this. I called my parents and brother about the great news about the boy and the girls but it was so hard for me to hold back tears. I just do not have the energy or will to tell them what is going on. I can't break their hearts. There is still that chance that she will make it!! Yesterday was suppose to be a great day for us knowing the genders but instead I was sad and cried all day about the news.

I woke up today feeling more positive. I cried a lot yesterday and my husband and I talked and agreed not to jump to any conclusions or drastic measures until we have more answers and get at least 3 doctors opinions of all of this. Miracles happen every single day. She might be small and she might have a heart problem.....but she can survive! She comes from a longggg line of strong women (my Mom in particular!) and I was born 2 months early weighting 3lbs 6 oz and I have lived a happy normal life. I just have to keep believing in her to win this fight. All day yesterday I was rubbing to the right of my belly button where she is growing right now. I talk to her and tell her to be strong. I also talk to her siblings and tell them to help her grow healthy. As sad as this all is for me and my husband, I want her to survive, not for us two but for her siblings. I want them to have a sister! I think that is very special. I have a name for her that I want to call her even if she does not survive. I need to talk to my husband and see how he feels about naming her now. I think it will be good for all of us to have an identity for her.

Last night after dinner, my husband and I were driving home and on the radio came on "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago...still one of my all time favorite songs. My husband just started belting out all of the words singing in the car so loudly to the song. I was shocked! I had no idea he even knew about this song! I asked him "When did you ever start listening to Chicago?". He said "What do you mean? I have always loved this song. They are such a great band!" I was shocked! I love that song! And of course listening to the lyrics last night I was BAWLING in the car....completely reminds me of what we are going through right now together. I feel so lucky and blessed with him.

Today is a new day....I have to keep believing that she will get through all of this and I need to stay strong for all three of my babies. Shutting down and thinking the worst is not healthy right now. I still cry but I am only human. I plan to do some retail therapy today. Maybe finally go out and get the babies some things! I also need some more maternity pants...the one pair of pants and shorts I have is not cutting it right now. ;) I updated our babies registry to reflect Bumbo seats in pink, blue and purple! I think those are some nice colors together.

For now, I continue to be the Mom of 3 beautiful children and hope that never changes. Hoping for more answers in the next month or so.