Brandon is a month old!

Today November 15th is Brandon's actual "due date"!

My little buddy is 4 weeks old and everything is going so well with him...better then I ever expected. He is growing so quickly and has gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. He went from 3 lbs 11 oz to 6 lbs in 4 weeks! Way to go little man! He is filling out more...his cheeks are finally getting chubby. He is still a skinny little man but I am sure in the next few months he will be a roly poly. He is a really good baby. He cries when he is hungry, needs burping, wet or poopy and sleeps really well. He wakes up usually twice between 2am and 6am and that has been pretty good. I wake up, feed him, burp him and change him and him and I are back to sleep again. I have not felt that deprived...just a few days here and there when we were not having a good night.

Breastfeeding is going well now. He finally learned to latch on last weekend which was so awesome! He still has some trouble being so small. I try to put him to my breast and he just stares at my huge boob that is bigger then his little head LOL! I think he is overwhelmed Ha! Ha! But now he is latching on for a good while and getting sometime. I am still pumping and that has it's good and bad days. I am pumping right now and getting an excellent supply so I am happy about that. Little man is getting a combo of breast milk and formula right now and doing really really well!

My husband and I have transitioned into parents pretty darn well! We take Brandon everywhere and I am surprised how patient I have been with my husband. I thought I was going to turn into this bossy Mom where he does nothing right but I haven't been! He takes care of Brandon with the diapers and feedings and cuddles too and is really enjoying being a Dad!

The only thing on my mind really bothering me is going back to work January 9th. I hate that! I have been procrastinating researching day care for him and I cry everyday about it but I know it has to be done. I know once I find the right place, my mind and heart will be okay. My work also has been stressing me out....my boss calls me and tells me the regional manager is being a total ass about things and constantly threating my boss that "Monica better be ready to come back to double the work. I hope she can handle it with a newborn". Way to be surpportive! Grrrrr! Once I get settled into Brandon being in daycare, I am going to start looking for new work. I have been at this company over 10 years and ready to move on!

I am still seeing a grief counselor and going to weekly meetings with Brandon. It helps a lot. I am realizing now that I am not suffering from PPD which is good. I have my times of sadness and tears but usually very brief. I realize I miss the girls not for myself but for my son. I tell him everyday with tears in my eyes how sorry I am that I could not bring his sisters into this world. I know everything happens for a reason and I cannot imagine sharing my love with another baby right now....I just share so much love for him. I guess in a way it's better...I can completely focus on Brandon and take care of him without having to share myself. It still makes me sad though for him. I am still working with my hospital on releasing their remains to have cremated and that should be happening quite soon. Then I can store them in the box made for Brandon to have always.

Going back in my journals, this time last year I was preparing for my first IUI! What an experience that was! It's amazing how far we came in a year and how after we have been through to be parents, our little man Brandon is finally home and healthy with us. I love him so much....I wonder how I ever lived my life without him before!

xoxox