19 more days

That is how long I can expect to be pregnant for *sigh*

Doctor's appt today (like ALWAYS) was not a good one...for once I would love to walk out of there feeling positive and good about my babies but I think that has happened once this whole pregnancy. *sigh*

Baby Boy A is measuring well and right on schedule...he is currently 1 lb and 10 oz. He has no problems and appears to be growing and receiving nutrients.

Baby Girl B is measuring behind 3 weeks and is 1 lb and 2 oz. Her amniotic fluid is still very low and her blood flow from the placenta continues to worsten.

Doctors says that this is the point if it was a singleton that she would have me do an immediate cesarean. I am 25 weeks and 2 days today. As much as I would love to save both of these babies, my husband and I (as well as the doctor) feel it's best to wait until 28 weeks to do a delivery. We would rather bring home one healthy baby then risk the chance of both babies not living after birth. The choices and decisions that come with multiples is so hard to bear. I am really just dying inside right now....numb also because I just don't know what will happen and if I am doing the right thing.

If Baby B is still alive by week 27 (doctor thinks the chances of that are pretty low though), she will have us do the steroid shot and then plan to do the cesarian around August 23rd. At that point both babies will be 28 weeks and have a higher chance of survival outside of the womb and being taken care.

I don't know what or why this is happening. I feel like I have been teased from Day 1. As grateful as I am to have been blessed with triplets, I wish now that it had been a singleton pregnancy from the beginning. The liklihood of my heart breaking every minute would probably not happen and I would have never had gotten my heart set on having three babies. That will never happen again and the chances of having twins now is very low too. Maybe the Karma train decided to make a U-turn and make me and the babies suffer for something I have done in my life that was wrong. Maybe that dreaded demon called "Infertility" wants to see me continue suffering and is taking away babies from me so I can be taught a lesson? I thought getting pregnant was hard.....this is a million times worst. Having the loss of a child this far along or knowing that it can happen again hurts a million times worst then all the BFNs I have ever had.

After the appt, I met with that nice lady Leila after her son's appt. Her husband came with her too and it was nice to meet all of them. I cried so hard when I saw her and she held me forever. I was glad I could do that with her and she gave me a lot of encouragement. Her husband was so wonderful too and gave me a lot of love and encouragement as well. Their son Liam is perfect at 7 months old. Her sons were identical and both born at 1 lb 8 oz and 1 lb 9 oz at 24 weeks. Sadly her son Ewan only lived to 70 days or so. She was so sweet....she makes baskets for the NICU Moms and brings them to them and she said she already started making mine and it will be a little extra special. How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredibly generous woman?

So now I sit here, eating a whole box of Nestle ice cream drumsticks crying my eyes out for whatever the future holds for us. I would love to believe that Baby B will survive and make it but part of me has a hard time being strong and believing that. I was strong for Baby Grace and looked what happened. Then I thought after her loss that things would be so much easier for the other two but it seems to have taken a turn for the worst.

Through this all though, we do have a son who is healthy as can be. I need to keep remembering that. I feel completely selfish about everything else and I want it all but we do have that little boy that will probably survive and be a joy to our lives. I may never get to experience a full term pregnancy or get to the point of waddling or feeling so uncomfortable or get to that point of running to the L&D because I think something is wrong. I may never get to have a baby shower the way I imagined I would but at the end of all of this....I will be blessed with a healthy son....and hopefully a healthy daughter too. Until then...this will be the longest 19 days of my life.