Emotionally drained

I am writing this in tears. I am having a bad bad day and just want to cry my eyes out. In fact, I had to leave our bedroom because I kept weeping and didn't want to wake my husband up. I am "suppose" to get my period tomorrow. I feel crampy, irritable and just plain SAD. It's like everytime I get my period, a part of me dies. I did everything right this month....spent almost $1000 on acupuncture for the next 2 months, went to Reiki sessions, meditated, kept happy thoughts in my head and I just feel like I am wasting my time with all of this. I freak out so much about the money being spent and I hate it. It's hard for me not to think about it because I know Hsien thinks about it too although he never makes me feel bad about it. I just wish I could be "normal" and get pregnant like everyone else around me with no trouble. What did I ever do to deserve it? I am so freakin sick and tired of people telling me that if I stop stressing and thinking about it that it will happen. I just want to slap those people in the face and say "FU...you have no idea what I am going through". I am just so mad and frustrated right now. I am just so worried about what the next "step" is going to be that the doctor decides. Once I get my period, I have to go in for a ovaries ultrasound and do another FSH and estradiol re-test. I will be CRUSHED if my levels are not better. I will feel so hopeless and broken. Part of me feels like I cannot emotionally handle moving forward with treatments. I just don't think I can do it and that is why I think I can't stop crying. At this point, I think I would rather go the adoption route. Of course that is mentally draining but part of me feels like it's more of a sure thing. I dunno...I am just do freakin fed up right now. I hate all of this. I feel so low and sad and afraid. I am letting this all get to me. Most of the time I have my good days but today has been bad. I can't stop crying and don't want Hsien to see me. I just don't know what to do next. I can only hope and pray that 1-I don't get my period this week and I am indeed pregnant or 2-my FSH and estradiol levels lower and I can have more hope that acupunture IS working and that I can maybe get pregnant all on my own. Maybe the 3 weeks in Europe will do me some good. I don't plan to chart or use my fertility monitor or read anything about infertility while I am away. It might be a good thing for me. Also, charting my temps every morning has I think caused more stress to me. I do it every morning, never really understanding what the hell the temperature even means. It's like adding one more thing to my full plate. I dunno if I want to continue doing it....I think it's stressing me out more then I really need to be. Ugh! I hate all of this...life isn't fair. What the f did I ever do to deserve this. I feel like I am letting Hsien and everyone around me down.

Oh one thing I wanted to write about before I totally forget it in my brain: last week I had a dream (Wed night I think). I was with my Acupuncturist and she gave me a big tea bag and told me to pee on it to see if I was pregnant. So I pee on it and it's saturated LOL! I am holding it up looking at it and suddenly two big circles appear on it...one bright red and the other bright blue and they are overlapping a bit. I was confused what the circles meant so Kate (my Reiki Master) appears in my dream and she is helping me to figure out what it means and we are checking the box and we could not figure it out. She tells me I should ask my acupuncturist and I go looking for it...then I wake up.

Just having a bad day.....I needed to vent. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.