Well....if you haven't noticed....I changed the name of my blog from "I am Infertile" to "I am Incomplete". Infertile seems so final and harsh. I need to get away from that negative mindset and focus on the positive in my situation. I am tired of bringing myself down and it's not good for me or my health.
This might be my last blog for a while...we are leaving tomorrow for a much needed long vacation to Europe until Oct 31st. This will give us time to decompress and not think about "life" and well...who knows! Maybe it's what we needed all along. I won't think about it too much but I am thinking positive! It was like the moment I heard about a friend who was newly pregnant or a friend who just had a baby....I had a meltdown. It's not my intention to feel this way but I can't help but think how unfair it is to me...but hey...life isn't fair and having this be easy is not the path intended for my life, I guess. I had a really good talk with an old friend of mine. She has been married for 10 years (I was in her wedding) and she has been trying to concieve for about 7 years. They have had no luck and have had many IVFs. Her advice to me was to not let the stress get to me. Believe that it will happen and it will! I am not sure why her saying that made more of a difference to me then others, but it helped. I think it's because she has "been there" and is someone dealing with infertility that it sort of resonates in me more because she has experienced it as well. I am going to take her advice to heart and do the best I can to remain positive and not get worked up about this. When I return from my trip, I plan to continue my Tues night meditation, get back into dance on Monday nights and do yoga on Thursdays and maybe another time. It will be good for my soul and to keep busy with taking care of myself at the same time. I feel good about this transition.
Another thing I need to realize, is how damn lucky I am in my life. Really...I am! I have worked hard for everything I have but I am truly fortunate in so many ways. I thought hard about what I would really want to change about my life if I could and I only came up with two things:
1) to get pregnant and be a Mommy to 2 beautiful kids
2) have better toenails
3) not be so moody
Seriously...that was all I could come up with. So see...my life isn't that bad! I have so many people around me (including my brother) going through a divorce that I am really fortunate that I have the relationship that I have. Hsien is sooo awesome and everyday I count my blessings to be married to him. We are committed and respectful to each other and if I have it my way, we'll be together forever! Also after volunteering at the 3-Day walk, I met so many men and women who had cancer at one time in their life and I think how sad it was for them and how fortunate I am to be cancer-free!! I just have so much to be thankful for....I really cannot complain! I think of it this way...if I really want to be a Mom and I cannot do it from my own body, I will adopt...simple as that! I will try and try until I can give no more and then go to the adoption agency and pick out the cutest kid in the bunch ;) or maybe two! Who knows! We'll see where life takes us!
So as you (and I) can see...I am not infertile...I am just incomplete! Waiting for that missing puzzle piece in my life find me! xoxo
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Pity Party
Throwing myself a pity party right now. This is right around the time of my cycle when my emotions are at their most high....usually a week before my period is expected. Not sure if it's a hormone thing or me just knowing that my period is coming so I get extra bitchy....who knows but I hate it!
On top of that....two friends had babies today and I found out another friend is pregnant. My heart is breaking...although I am super happy for all of them...I still feel sad. Why can't it be me? What did I ever do wrong? Why can't I be a Mom too? *sigh*
For the most part this month I have been soooo good not obsessing about it and the break has been nice. I know this upcoming vacation will do me some good as well.
I had a Reiki session tonight with Kate and she told me that after not seeing her for a month that I still remained very balanced. She seemed surprised so that made me feel better. My energy is holding on strong!
And you know, I feel bad and I feel sad but in the whole picture I do still realize how fortunate I am. Hsien and I crewed for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk this weekend and it totally humbled me. I met women who were as young as 29 who had/have breast cancer. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself! I have nothing to complain about compared to what they are going through! I have to realize that.
I also had a realization that what if none of the fertility treatments work or the option to adopt is not available, could I really be okay not being a mother? I thought about it and if I had Hsien by my side everyday, I think I could be okay, eventually. I think I could find peace in knowing that I would never be a mother although I would never fully accept it (and i know if I wanted to be a mother--it could happen!)
I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and that went well. It will be my last one for a while since we are leaving for Europe. I am still trying to believe that it's helping me...I just don't know if it is or not. I need to give it time but it's costing me a lot of money. It's one of those things....you just don't know!
So many emotions running through my head this week. Hopefully once I get on that plane, I can truly enjoy myself and my life and hold off on obsessing about all of this until after we get home ;)
On top of that....two friends had babies today and I found out another friend is pregnant. My heart is breaking...although I am super happy for all of them...I still feel sad. Why can't it be me? What did I ever do wrong? Why can't I be a Mom too? *sigh*
For the most part this month I have been soooo good not obsessing about it and the break has been nice. I know this upcoming vacation will do me some good as well.
I had a Reiki session tonight with Kate and she told me that after not seeing her for a month that I still remained very balanced. She seemed surprised so that made me feel better. My energy is holding on strong!
And you know, I feel bad and I feel sad but in the whole picture I do still realize how fortunate I am. Hsien and I crewed for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk this weekend and it totally humbled me. I met women who were as young as 29 who had/have breast cancer. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself! I have nothing to complain about compared to what they are going through! I have to realize that.
I also had a realization that what if none of the fertility treatments work or the option to adopt is not available, could I really be okay not being a mother? I thought about it and if I had Hsien by my side everyday, I think I could be okay, eventually. I think I could find peace in knowing that I would never be a mother although I would never fully accept it (and i know if I wanted to be a mother--it could happen!)
I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday and that went well. It will be my last one for a while since we are leaving for Europe. I am still trying to believe that it's helping me...I just don't know if it is or not. I need to give it time but it's costing me a lot of money. It's one of those things....you just don't know!
So many emotions running through my head this week. Hopefully once I get on that plane, I can truly enjoy myself and my life and hold off on obsessing about all of this until after we get home ;)
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
"I Love you, Mom"
I came across this amazing song that speaks about exactly what I am going through. I am not a country fan but hearing the words in this song helped me to get past that. Here are the lyrics to the song......
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
Wow...so many of it resonates in me. I cry when I hear the song. I decided to make a CD of Inspirational songs that remind me of what I am going through. I enjoy listening to the playlist in the car. It helps me to reflect and think and even though I cry through most of the CD, it helps to put things into perspective for me.
Last week, I had a chance to talk to Hsien's sister. She went through something similar as myself and it's easy to talk to her. She dosen't open up to many people but I am glad she feels she can be honest and open with me. Probably because I am with her. I am not afraid to express my feelings and get advice and help from someone who has experienced it. Talking with her I found out that she had high FSH as well! I had no idea! She said the doctors didn't find anything else wrong with her except high FSH and also not having a period regularly. It gives me hope that maybe...just maybe....one IUI will do the trick like it did for her. I can only hope and pray that it's that simple. I am going to surprise her and send her a CD of the songs that I put together.
Last night was a wonderful meditation session with Paul and Kate! I had one friend who was there with me and that was nice. She really got a chance to open up and cry which made me cry as well. Paul had us do this exercise where you take a card from a pile that he had in his hand. You don't see the card when picking it. The card I picked last night was so close to my heart that I couldn't believe it. When I turned the card over, the whole group had their mouth wide open. It was unbelievable. The card had on it a person (who later I revealed felt like myself) holding a giant egg in their hands. I was holding it in a gently protective way. The look on my face was very motherly and peaceful and proud. There was also colorful blue and purple crystals in the head area. To me it looked like light was coming from the top of my head and reflecting through the crystals as a beautiful aura around me. It was such an amazing card...I wish I had taken it home with me ;) It was absolutely too perfect for what I am going through right now.
The break I chose has been pretty good for me. I feel more at peace now with my infertility. I am now focusing on everything else around me and it has been one less thing to stress about. I am glad I am not focusing on it as much and enjoying the present life I have now. I am looking forward to November but for now I will enjoy everything I have right now. I still get moments of sadness and uncertainty but they pass more quickly then they did before.
Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.
But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.
I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.
Wow...so many of it resonates in me. I cry when I hear the song. I decided to make a CD of Inspirational songs that remind me of what I am going through. I enjoy listening to the playlist in the car. It helps me to reflect and think and even though I cry through most of the CD, it helps to put things into perspective for me.
Last week, I had a chance to talk to Hsien's sister. She went through something similar as myself and it's easy to talk to her. She dosen't open up to many people but I am glad she feels she can be honest and open with me. Probably because I am with her. I am not afraid to express my feelings and get advice and help from someone who has experienced it. Talking with her I found out that she had high FSH as well! I had no idea! She said the doctors didn't find anything else wrong with her except high FSH and also not having a period regularly. It gives me hope that maybe...just maybe....one IUI will do the trick like it did for her. I can only hope and pray that it's that simple. I am going to surprise her and send her a CD of the songs that I put together.
Last night was a wonderful meditation session with Paul and Kate! I had one friend who was there with me and that was nice. She really got a chance to open up and cry which made me cry as well. Paul had us do this exercise where you take a card from a pile that he had in his hand. You don't see the card when picking it. The card I picked last night was so close to my heart that I couldn't believe it. When I turned the card over, the whole group had their mouth wide open. It was unbelievable. The card had on it a person (who later I revealed felt like myself) holding a giant egg in their hands. I was holding it in a gently protective way. The look on my face was very motherly and peaceful and proud. There was also colorful blue and purple crystals in the head area. To me it looked like light was coming from the top of my head and reflecting through the crystals as a beautiful aura around me. It was such an amazing card...I wish I had taken it home with me ;) It was absolutely too perfect for what I am going through right now.
The break I chose has been pretty good for me. I feel more at peace now with my infertility. I am now focusing on everything else around me and it has been one less thing to stress about. I am glad I am not focusing on it as much and enjoying the present life I have now. I am looking forward to November but for now I will enjoy everything I have right now. I still get moments of sadness and uncertainty but they pass more quickly then they did before.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wow! Who knew??!!
I reached out to a few more friends that I adore that I wanted to share my story with and the responses have been beyond overwhelming! Oh my God! I had no idea how loved I was =) I truly am so lucky and blessed to have such AMAZING women in my life. That is the great thing about my friends...we are all bonded by something...family is important to all of us. Maybe some of us want kids, maybe some of us don't...but we all relate in some way to the struggles of infertility. We know how hard it is to not have a family. I really am glad I shared....I really am! I was a bit nervous and scared about doing it. In fact, I avoided my e-mail for most of the day. I wasn't sure what to expect but the responses have been what I needed. I HAVE to share one e-mail from a friend (who I will keep anonymous). Her e-mail touched me so much....it really helped me to know that I have people in my life to support me. Here it is:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend,
I feel like I have so much to tell you and I just want to be with you right now and hug you very tight and give you all my love and support and positive energy, all from me to you.
I love you so much Monica; you are a sun, a flower, a beautiful angel sent from God directly to keep an eye on your close ones and I feel so very blessed every time I am with you because I feel loved.
You wrote in your blog that you were lucky to have friends around you; I'm sorry but it is the total opposite. WE are lucky to have YOU as our friend! And my God, have you ever asked yourself why you have so many friends you can count on? easy, it's because you show people and the world how to love and how to be the best friend anybody could wish for. You unconditionally love and that is a very hard quality to find nowdays...
I kept reading your posts and I started to cry (at work) because you simply do not deserve this struggle and it made me feel so powerless... I want to help so badly and yet, there is nothing I can really do but pray and to me that is not good enough because you deserve so much better from me, your friend, so it saddens me...
I'm not writing this to make you feel better or just to throw nice words to you, I'm writing this because that's what I deeply feel in my heart and I want you to know it. You always get to know what people truly feel in the hardest times, right?
I know that you and Hsien will make it happen and I know you two will ultimately be the happiest couple with a blessing baby.
Monica, if you ever need anything, talk, hang out, shop, spa, coffee, movie, anything, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to call me or email me. I will always be there for you...
Be strong and keep on smiling, beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow...I am still crying over this. Do I have awesome friends or what??!!! Sometimes it's nice to hear things like this from people because you never really sometimes know how they feel about you. Almost every response I got today was like this. Warms my little heart!
I have SO much more to talk about....I spoke with my Sister-in-Law today for a long time over the phone about everything going on with us. I will update more later though. It's been a long day and I am headed to bed.
Thank you for reading this....I love you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend,
I feel like I have so much to tell you and I just want to be with you right now and hug you very tight and give you all my love and support and positive energy, all from me to you.
I love you so much Monica; you are a sun, a flower, a beautiful angel sent from God directly to keep an eye on your close ones and I feel so very blessed every time I am with you because I feel loved.
You wrote in your blog that you were lucky to have friends around you; I'm sorry but it is the total opposite. WE are lucky to have YOU as our friend! And my God, have you ever asked yourself why you have so many friends you can count on? easy, it's because you show people and the world how to love and how to be the best friend anybody could wish for. You unconditionally love and that is a very hard quality to find nowdays...
I kept reading your posts and I started to cry (at work) because you simply do not deserve this struggle and it made me feel so powerless... I want to help so badly and yet, there is nothing I can really do but pray and to me that is not good enough because you deserve so much better from me, your friend, so it saddens me...
I'm not writing this to make you feel better or just to throw nice words to you, I'm writing this because that's what I deeply feel in my heart and I want you to know it. You always get to know what people truly feel in the hardest times, right?
I know that you and Hsien will make it happen and I know you two will ultimately be the happiest couple with a blessing baby.
Monica, if you ever need anything, talk, hang out, shop, spa, coffee, movie, anything, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to call me or email me. I will always be there for you...
Be strong and keep on smiling, beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow...I am still crying over this. Do I have awesome friends or what??!!! Sometimes it's nice to hear things like this from people because you never really sometimes know how they feel about you. Almost every response I got today was like this. Warms my little heart!
I have SO much more to talk about....I spoke with my Sister-in-Law today for a long time over the phone about everything going on with us. I will update more later though. It's been a long day and I am headed to bed.
Thank you for reading this....I love you!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Being honest
Ahhhhhh....I finally opened up to a few more people *waving! Hi ladies!* I'm nervous because I was so vulnerable to do that but I feel like I have to. I have so much pent up nerves that are just busting at the seams! Maybe I will get more advice...maybe more encouragement....maybe just a sense of relief that I can get through this with good friends. I really am very lucky for the people in my life. I have been making more of an effort to spend time with people who DO matter most. It's really the only way I can get through all this craziness.
Today was a better day...I cried only once. *woohooo* That is a huge accomplishment for me! I went to the acupuncturist who gave me words of encouragement. She told me not to be frustrated that the therapy hasn't worked yet. Eventually she said that everything will add up and align itself when it's suppose to happen *sigh* I hope so...it's not happening soon enough ;) It's really good for me to see her. She really listens and cares and wants me to be a Mom.
I've drank wine and coffee the past few days....it was very liberating! Almost sinful but I feel like I need to do this and take the break!
Hsien has still been my rock and super supportive through this whole thing. He is glad I am taking this break but also very encouraging. He counts my cycles more then me! Ha! Ha! Always asking me what day I am on ;) Ready set go! I think he still has faith that we can do this without help...I am glad one of us is optomistic! I just choose to be a realist about all of this. I hate to be skeptical but it's the only way to protect my feelings and emotions these days.
Thanks for reading tonight!
Today was a better day...I cried only once. *woohooo* That is a huge accomplishment for me! I went to the acupuncturist who gave me words of encouragement. She told me not to be frustrated that the therapy hasn't worked yet. Eventually she said that everything will add up and align itself when it's suppose to happen *sigh* I hope so...it's not happening soon enough ;) It's really good for me to see her. She really listens and cares and wants me to be a Mom.
I've drank wine and coffee the past few days....it was very liberating! Almost sinful but I feel like I need to do this and take the break!
Hsien has still been my rock and super supportive through this whole thing. He is glad I am taking this break but also very encouraging. He counts my cycles more then me! Ha! Ha! Always asking me what day I am on ;) Ready set go! I think he still has faith that we can do this without help...I am glad one of us is optomistic! I just choose to be a realist about all of this. I hate to be skeptical but it's the only way to protect my feelings and emotions these days.
Thanks for reading tonight!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Having one of those days
Yep....it's one of those days where I have been throwing myself a Pity Party. I hate when I get in that type of mood. Even though it's not true...I just feel like no one "gets it" with me. Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me and swoon and give me attention...who knows but the reactions I get from "some" people (not all) is just not what I want to hear. I just feel so not optomistic about any of this. Part of me feels like I will go through all of these IVF treatments left with nothing. I've felt rejected so much lately that I can't even imagine something positive even happening. I want a baby so bad that it's just really wearing on me. I have so much to look forward to with this Europe vacation that I just can't even be excited about it. I can't wait for it to be over so that in November I can get the ball started with the treatments. Sad huh?
I can't imagine my life without being a Mom...except that part of me dreads that it might never ever happen for us. I hate this feeling. I always told myself that the biggest pain in my life is knowing I could never have children...and I just feel like it's come true.
I really hope all of this heartache, sadness and $$$$$ is worth it one day.....
I can't imagine my life without being a Mom...except that part of me dreads that it might never ever happen for us. I hate this feeling. I always told myself that the biggest pain in my life is knowing I could never have children...and I just feel like it's come true.
I really hope all of this heartache, sadness and $$$$$ is worth it one day.....
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Breathe of fresh air
Making the decision to step back from all of this infertility stuff has surprisingly not been as hard as I thought. I do still cry...a lot! Friday I cried and it felt good. I do most of my crying in my car when I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of love loss. It's okay though....I remind myself that it's okay to cry because what I am going through is like losing a loved one. Eventually the happy times will come.
Hsien and I had a really good talk on Thursday night...so happy about that! He told me not to worry about money because he dosen't. That struck me as a good thing and he is on board with whatever we need to do to become parents. I asked him if he wanted to do all of this stuff or just go straight into adoption. He said he wanted to try first for a child that was biologically from us. If that didn't work out, adoption would be fine too! So either way...in some way...Hsien and I are going to be parents in the future.
I truly am so lucky to have Hsien in my life. I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster and he is just so calm and level headed. We really do make a great team. I need to appreciate him more and not take him for granted. I decided to hug and kiss him more and show how much he means to me more. Not that I wasn't before but I think I should kiss him every night before bed and when we wake up to remind myself of how lucky I got!
This really has been a good weekend. I have had so much positive feedback on here from dear friends that it's overwhelmind. I am truly blessed. I also got a chance to talk to someone whom I have considered my best friend for so many years. Her and I have not been as close as we should for a while now. I am glad we talked and got out all of our feelings. I feel like the walls are coming down and that is a wonderful thing. I plan to share this blog with her soon. Love you so much B.S. (those are her initials....I am not saying Bull S#*% Ha! Ha!)
Love is in the air today!
Hsien and I had a really good talk on Thursday night...so happy about that! He told me not to worry about money because he dosen't. That struck me as a good thing and he is on board with whatever we need to do to become parents. I asked him if he wanted to do all of this stuff or just go straight into adoption. He said he wanted to try first for a child that was biologically from us. If that didn't work out, adoption would be fine too! So either way...in some way...Hsien and I are going to be parents in the future.
I truly am so lucky to have Hsien in my life. I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster and he is just so calm and level headed. We really do make a great team. I need to appreciate him more and not take him for granted. I decided to hug and kiss him more and show how much he means to me more. Not that I wasn't before but I think I should kiss him every night before bed and when we wake up to remind myself of how lucky I got!
This really has been a good weekend. I have had so much positive feedback on here from dear friends that it's overwhelmind. I am truly blessed. I also got a chance to talk to someone whom I have considered my best friend for so many years. Her and I have not been as close as we should for a while now. I am glad we talked and got out all of our feelings. I feel like the walls are coming down and that is a wonderful thing. I plan to share this blog with her soon. Love you so much B.S. (those are her initials....I am not saying Bull S#*% Ha! Ha!)
Love is in the air today!
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