One year ago and a 5 month old!

It's amazing to me to think that a year ago, I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had received the call from my NP on March 7th that I was pregnant! That day was so surreal and I don't think I had been so excited ever in my life. I was also told my Beta number was high so I was concerned but decided to just roll with it. Little did I know that three weeks later, I would have my first ultrasound and have triplets in my belly! Crazy to think HOW MUCH has happened this past year....to go from two failed IUIs, to one that finally worked, to being pregnant with triplets, losing one of the babies at over 5 months pregnant, losing the second one at almost 8 months pregnant, delivering my son earlier then anticipated, him being small at 3 lbs 11 oz, NICU time...and now here I am! This 5 month old perfect little boy! Amazing! I am still surprised that I survived all of this! Many ups and downs...and hoping that this coming year allows us much happiness and a lot less sorrow and chaos.

I am enjoying life so much right now! I got laid off from my last employer of 10 years which truly was a blessing in disguise. I talk to my old boss still and the stories she tells me are crazy....I don't think I could have dealt with that job anymore and with having Brandon. I know some other job will find me...maybe I am destined to do great things and maybe my experiences will lead me to that new career. But for now I am enjoying every moment of time with Brandon. Money has been tight but we are surviving. I keep telling my husband that me not working will not be forever. I have been working since I was 16 and have never been laid off in my life. I think I am due for some time with my son and who knows....this may be the only child I have and I do not want to pass this opportunity by!

Brandon is doing really well! He will be 5 months on the 14th of March. He is growing so well and catching up to the rest of the world. He is still smaller on the height then most babies, but his weight is average and his head believe it or not is above average! Hoping he just has a big smart brain in there. He is a really good baby for the most part. Sleeps really well, eats really well, happy and loves to be out of the house. We take him every where!

Still hoping that a miracle will happen and we will get pregnant on our own. Anything is possible right? I turn 37 this week and although it's not old, it's just scary to think that another year is passing me by. I would LOVE to have two kids but if we have only Brandon, I am lucky and grateful. That is more then most people I know who do not have any children.

That is my little update!

Love you all....never give up! I am glad I didn't because here I am today with this beautiful little man!

xoxox Monica

Brandon is 3 months old!

It has been way too long since I wrote in my Blog!

I can't believe I gave birth to my beautiful little guy 3 months ago! I look at him in awe every day just still so surprised that he belongs to us forever and that nothing could ever break our bond. I am so truly in love with him! He is now 11 lbs and catching up with the rest of the world.

Things are going really well as a Mom! It's nice to hear people tell me that I adjusted to Motherhood really well and that it suits me. Took me a while to get to this point of being 36 years old, but I am finally a Mama!

Brandon is a really good baby...and I am not just saying that. He really is! He sleeps through the night, hardly fuses and just great to take out and be around people. Nothing bothers him or phases him. I don't mean to rub it in that he is good because I know a lot of my dear friends struggle with their babies sleeping habits and crying but I think after everything I have been through with losing my daughters, I feel like this was meant to be.

Speaking of, I am still seeing my therapist and working on my issues of losing my daughters. It has been 6 months since I lost Grace and 4 months since I lost Naomi. I still cry every day...mostly in the shower and it helps me to get those raw feelings out and get on with my day. I was finally brave enough to order their box for their ashes and excited to pick it up on Monday. It's a silver jewelry box that plays "It's a Wonderful World" when you open it. On the front it says "Too beautiful for Earth" Grace 7/13/11 Naomi 9/14/11. I will give it to Brandon and that will be his gift from us when he is old enough to understand. It was really hard for me to order it since the young gal placing my order at the store asked me about it...I held back tears but proud that I finally felt strong enough to do this! I still suffer from extreme jealousy but I think when you are infertile that it stays with you forever. I try to be happy for my friends that get pregnant so easily and have a flawless pregnancy but it's hard. Why can't that be me? What did I do wrong in my life that I can't get pregnant on my own and on top of that lose two precious babies along the way. Talk about lots of bad luck! Things never seem to go easy for me....but I am hoping that will change now with Brandon.

I am living the life of a SAHM and so far I LOVE IT! I got laid off from my last employer that I had been with for 10 years. It was truly a blessing in disguise and using the time to bond with Brandon until the next job finds me. Not sure how long I plan to be home with him but for now, I am going to enjoy the hardest but most rewarding job I have ever had!

Not too much else going on! We survived the holidays and it was special to have his first Christmas this year. I remember this time last year how sad and defeated I felt with two failed cycles behind me. Little did I know that my Feb cycle would be giving me the greatest gift of all....triplets...with one living son!

Brandon is a month old!

Today November 15th is Brandon's actual "due date"!

My little buddy is 4 weeks old and everything is going so well with him...better then I ever expected. He is growing so quickly and has gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. He went from 3 lbs 11 oz to 6 lbs in 4 weeks! Way to go little man! He is filling out more...his cheeks are finally getting chubby. He is still a skinny little man but I am sure in the next few months he will be a roly poly. He is a really good baby. He cries when he is hungry, needs burping, wet or poopy and sleeps really well. He wakes up usually twice between 2am and 6am and that has been pretty good. I wake up, feed him, burp him and change him and him and I are back to sleep again. I have not felt that deprived...just a few days here and there when we were not having a good night.

Breastfeeding is going well now. He finally learned to latch on last weekend which was so awesome! He still has some trouble being so small. I try to put him to my breast and he just stares at my huge boob that is bigger then his little head LOL! I think he is overwhelmed Ha! Ha! But now he is latching on for a good while and getting sometime. I am still pumping and that has it's good and bad days. I am pumping right now and getting an excellent supply so I am happy about that. Little man is getting a combo of breast milk and formula right now and doing really really well!

My husband and I have transitioned into parents pretty darn well! We take Brandon everywhere and I am surprised how patient I have been with my husband. I thought I was going to turn into this bossy Mom where he does nothing right but I haven't been! He takes care of Brandon with the diapers and feedings and cuddles too and is really enjoying being a Dad!

The only thing on my mind really bothering me is going back to work January 9th. I hate that! I have been procrastinating researching day care for him and I cry everyday about it but I know it has to be done. I know once I find the right place, my mind and heart will be okay. My work also has been stressing me out....my boss calls me and tells me the regional manager is being a total ass about things and constantly threating my boss that "Monica better be ready to come back to double the work. I hope she can handle it with a newborn". Way to be surpportive! Grrrrr! Once I get settled into Brandon being in daycare, I am going to start looking for new work. I have been at this company over 10 years and ready to move on!

I am still seeing a grief counselor and going to weekly meetings with Brandon. It helps a lot. I am realizing now that I am not suffering from PPD which is good. I have my times of sadness and tears but usually very brief. I realize I miss the girls not for myself but for my son. I tell him everyday with tears in my eyes how sorry I am that I could not bring his sisters into this world. I know everything happens for a reason and I cannot imagine sharing my love with another baby right now....I just share so much love for him. I guess in a way it's better...I can completely focus on Brandon and take care of him without having to share myself. It still makes me sad though for him. I am still working with my hospital on releasing their remains to have cremated and that should be happening quite soon. Then I can store them in the box made for Brandon to have always.

Going back in my journals, this time last year I was preparing for my first IUI! What an experience that was! It's amazing how far we came in a year and how after we have been through to be parents, our little man Brandon is finally home and healthy with us. I love him so much....I wonder how I ever lived my life without him before!

xoxox

Naomi and Grace

Our daughters that passed away too soon will be cremated today at 2pm. It made me sad when my friend who works at the mortuary notified me of it. It's been exactly 2 months since Naomi passed away, 4 months and 1 day since Grace passed away and today Brandon is 1 month old. My heart is heavy but our daughters will soon be back home with us again. *tears* Such a sad day.

Brandon Tsai has Arrived!!

Brandon Tsai is here!! A quick rundown....he was born Friday October 14th at 11:02pm weighting 3 lbs 11 oz and measuring 13 inches. Super small guy but the NICU doctors say that he behaves like a full term baby and has had ZERO complications...completely breathing on his own, no jaundice or eating issues. He has not been hooked up to anything! The only reason he is in the NICU is because of his weight. He is just a truly amazing little guy...so strong for being so darn little! The nurses all love him and everyone says he is so beautiful. I am so proud!

So now you guys are probably wondering why he came on Friday and not as scheduled for the 25th. I went in for my scheduled NST Friday morning...that showed no issues and that Brandon was moving a lot and his heartrate was great. This was also the day we had a Level 2 ultrasound to check on him. I had not seen him on the Level 2 ultrasound since his sister passed a month before so I was nervous. Those ultrasounds seem to always bring us bad news. The technician did the measurments on him and although he appeared to be perfectly fine...he was measuring 4 lbs 7 oz which was considered 3 weeks behind. My Dr (Dr Lin) was at another hospital nearby but the doctor on duty consulted with me and Dr Lin and we all agreed....this guys needs to come out NOW! He is showing signs of IUGR exactly like his sisters and we were all not going to take that chance of losing him. So off I went to Labor and Delivery and got admitted. My husband showed up about 2 hours later with my hospital stuff. We made all of the appropriate phone calls and got the word out that this baby was coming soon!

Once I was in the L&D room, it was a lot of waiting and waiting.....I was not allowed to eat which was TORTURE! The last time I had eaten was breakfast at 9:30am. I should have known better and snuck a quick lunch in before heading to L&D ;) They set me up on an IV drip and got me started on pitocin, an antibiotic for Strep B and a few other things. They did a few ultrasounds on him and basically we were just waiting and waiting. My Mom had shown up as well as my husband's Mom and my Dad and his wife. It wasn't necessary for them to show up since I didn't want anyone in the room for the birth but my husband but I know they were all excited. All of the doctors and nurses were certain that Brandon wasn't coming until Saturday morning. I was still 3 cm dilated which was a great start. At 10:30pm, I was contracting very well on my own and was not in a lot of pain. The doctor then broke my water at 10:30pm and had given me a little something to take the edge off of that. Well that didn't last long at all and at 10:40pm, the contractions became VERY strong and painful. I was clenched to the railing of my bed and was hurting so bad that I thought I might break the bed. The epidural was still not available and I could not stand the pain....it was the worst pain of my life! I remember just yelling out "HELP!! I hurt so bad!" It was truly awful. My Mom had left right before they broke my water but my Dad and Step Mom and Mother in Law were still hanging around. I finally told them that they had to leave...my Dad looked scared and so he made a beeline for the door and left without saying goodbye LOL! On the way out the door my Step-Mom heard me tell the doctors "Oh my God! I feel like I have to push!!". She knew that I was going to have this baby very soon so they all sat in the waiting room instead of heading home (which I had no idea about until after!) I was so bummed because Dr Lin had called earlier and said that she would come if I went into labor that night but she still wasn't there yet. She finally showed up 15 minutes before he was born YEAH!! I was so happy she was going to be there! The doctors and nurses kept telling me "DO NOT PUSH!" The doctors and nurses were not ready yet LOL! Oh my God! It was the craziest feeling....it hurt so bad and I had the biggest urge to push and I had to clench my butt checks HARD to prevent from pushing. Finally Dr. Whitney tells me that the epidural will not be there for at least 20 minutes (OMG!!) I knew I could not wait. She asks me if I want to try and deliver without an epidural and I yelled out YES!! I was moaning and making noises that I never imagined would ever come out of me LOL! They got my legs up and I started to push. I think I pushed maybe 8 times...and at 11:02pm, Brandon slipped out and was born. He popped out so fast that Hsien was shocked that the doctors caught him as quick as he slipped out. Brandon let out a huge cry and it was the most surreal moment....he was born finally! They quickly laid him on my chest and asked Hsien to cut his cord shortly after. It was amazing!!!! I did tear which was sewn up after and Hsien was just so impressed with me....he kept saying how awesome I was LOL! They took him away briefly for measurements and to get him wrapped up and warm. I was SHOCKED when I was told that he weighted only 3 lbs 11 oz and was 13 inches long! LITTLE GUY! See...those ultrasounds are never right! Ugh! I was really concerned about him being so tiny but I knew he would be okay in the NICU and was just so grateful that he appeared okay and that he was finally born. So Brandon's birth was the easy part LOL! Now on to the hard part of the night.....

After the took Brandon away to the NICU, my husband went there with him for a little while where my Dad, StepMom and Mother in Law got to meet him for the first time. I was still in the L&D room in pain and dreading the next part....pushing out my stillborn daughters. I wasn't sure how this was going to go but by that time I hurt so badly and the epidural had finally shown up that I took it. It really eased up the pain a lot and was not as bad as I had expected it to be. The doctors and nurses went about their business for a while and waited for the epidural to take effect. I laid there for 4 hours waiting in anticipation and nerves. I was more nervous about delivering these babies and kept having slight anxiety and panic about resting and falling asleep. I just wanted it done and over with! My husband was able to get some rest and I laid there and waited for the drugs to take their effect. I didn't like the way that the epidural didn't allow me to feel contractions so it was hard to know when to push. I think that was why it took so long to deliver the girls. At 4am, Dr Lin and Dr Whitney came in and sat down and both gently worked on pushing on my stomach and asking me to push at certain times. They were being SO considerate and respectful about it. Dr Lin even said that I didn't have to push if I was not up for it because she really felt sad for me. I told her it was okay and that I was okay with pushing and speeding up the process of birthing the girls. It took over an hour of massaging my belly and pushing on my part and them reaching in with their fingers to pull the girls out. Finally at 5:11am, both girls were out and so were all of the placentas. I did not see any of it as requested. Hsien stood next to me and held my hand the whole entire time. All of the remains were taken away and are currently in the morgue. The social worker who met with me the next morning gave me information on what to do and so I will make phone calls tomorrow to make arrangements for cremation.

As sad as it was to birth them, I was also relieved to have it all over. I was exhausted by this time and just really wanted to sleep. I was finally given something to eat at 6am and got maybe 2 hours of sleep before we were moved to a new room.

Saturday morning was a bit chaotic....I was functioning on zero sleep, seeing family that had come to visit and meeting all of the nurses and doctors after like the lactation consultant, social worker, NICU doctor and making several visits to the NICU to see our little guy. On top of that I was pumping every few hours which was such a foreign new concept to me LOL! Wow and my nipples are sore ;) Still not getting any milk from them but the NICU nurse has been able to squeeze them a few times to get some colostrum out to give to Brandon. Our last guests left at 9pm last night and Hsien and I quickly went to bed and slept as well as we could with nurses coming in to check in on me. Oh and last night, the birth certificate recorder came in to see me and double check spellings and to give me a copy of Brandon's unofficial birth certificate and information about his social security card. This was the time where I REALLY cried...I mean really cried hard. I felt so much emotions at this time...I just could not stop crying. It was a strange feeling. I could not believe I was holding my son's birth certificate who was born early, so tiny and had all of the odds stacked against him and he is OKAY! And I also felt some mourning for our girls and I cried for them too but I was very at peace with them being gone. I know this sounds weird and I feel a bit guilty admitting this but being with Brandon I feel SO MUCH LOVE for him that I cannot imagine sharing that love. Is that crazy? Part of me feels quilty thinking that and tears are streaming down my face writing this but I think he has been a great distraction for me and that I will heal better now.

Sunday morning we slept in a little while and after having some blood work done early that morning, the doctors were worried about my blood count and wanted me to have more blood drawn and to not be discharged until after those results. I was really hoping to not have to stay another night in the hospital if possible. I continued my pumping and got to make several visits to Brandon in the NICU. We only had 2 guests that day and it was my husband's parents so it was okay. About 2pm, Hsien and I packed up the room and he wheeled our stuff out of the room while the nurses and doctors checked on me. They said that my anemia was better and that I could go home that day. I was prescribed lots of Iron pills, stool softners and prescription strength Motrin for the cramping. And it's truly crazy how much you bleed after labor! Saturday I was bleeding a lot and the bathroom looked like we had killed a small animal anytime I went to use the bathroom! It has finally subsided and is much lighter now. After I pump, I get super crampy and that is when I do most of my bleeding. After I was examined, we saw Brandon for about an hour and got to feed him and kiss him before we said our small "See you Later Alligator". Hsien and I were both really tired and with being in the hospital, my husband developed a low-grade fever and I felt like crap so we knew it was best to head home, rest in our beds and get better for our little guy who might be coming home as early as Tuesday!

Hsien and I got home about 6pm Sunday night and now we are home resting. Monday my Dad came over in the morning to take down the second crib, put up a few things in Brandon's room and help us install the car seat. While they did that, I made a few phone calls and put things away and also wash all of the preemie clothes for Brandon to wear. After we get the house in order and we are feeling good, we went to the NICU and visit Brandon. I can't wait to see him again! Oh and tonight I was using my pump and I actually got a tiny bit of colustrum and milk to come out! Yeah! It's working....just have to keep up the pumping as much as I can!

So for now, that is Brandon's birth story! I just feel so so lucky that he is doing as well as he is for such a small young guy! He really does have his Guardian Angel sisters watching over him! With all of the drama that we had during the pregnancy, it's like our luck totally took a turn for the much better and from the moment he was born, we have had nothing but wonderful news! I hope it keeps coming and that from here on out, our little man is nothing short of a miracle.

Here are the photos on my Facebook of the birth of Brandon if you want to check them out. I will keep them public briefly.

https://www.facebook.com/#!/media/set/?set=a.10150275145219649.286856.632429648&type=1

Trying to be happy at 35 weeks

I don't know why I can't move past this funk....you would think I should be happy with our son coming in about 2 weeks. I just cannot move past this sadness. I know that I need to work THROUGH stuff like this and not around it or over it but it's hard. Today I didn't even want to get up out of bed. The only reason I did was because I had to eat...and only because I am feeding not just me but my son. I had planned to make a huge plate of lasagna so that I could divide it up for several meals to freeze for us when the litle man comes. I have no motivation whatsoever. My house is not clean and it's bothering me. I wish someone would just come over and clean for me. It's not even really messy...just cat hair all over the place. I can't vaccum and my husband can't vaccum because of his allergies. Blah!

I have a group therapy session tomorrow which I am sort of anxious about....not sure how it will go being in a group with a bunch of other pregnant depressed women. Luckily I have my one on one therapy session on Thursday morning to look forward to. Then Friday is an ultrasound and NST appt. I still get nervous about going to those. With all of the crap we have been through losing our girls, I just hold my breath every day for our son praying that he is okay. I am so so nervous about the birth. I am thrilled that we will finally meet our son but I also know it's the day that I part with our girls too when they are birthed and their remains cremated. I will no longer have them inside of me...some strange reason I felt comfort knowing they were close to me. Now they won't...I think that will be hard for me. I just feel like I am at a breaking point. I just want to cry all the time.

Despite all of my crummy feelings, we are moving forward and getting ready for our son to be here. We have his stroller and car seat all ready and next week it will be installed in my car by CHP. I have been returning items that we received that were for twins and buying things for our little guy that we need. Today I am going to go to Target and return a few things and then buy baby wash and shampoo and a few other necessary baby things. I guess that will give me motivation to get out of the house.

I'm sure the next two weeks will go by sooo slow but I am going to enjoy the quiet and sleep while I can. I feel him moving about all of the time so that is always comforting. I just hope and pray that the birth goes fine and that is born a perfectly happy healthy little human being! I don't think I can handle another bad situation right now! I miss the girls so much....I wish I could do anything to bring them back to us. =(

October 25th!!

We have a birthday! If all goes well and he decides to not come sooner, we will be having a Scorpio! (Woohooo!)

Doctor checked me out today...still 3 cm dilated and thin but hasn't changed much since 5 days ago. With everything that has been happening in this pregnancy, my doctor strongly suggested we go ahead and induce at 37 weeks. It's not normally something I would want to do but honestly with everything this kiddo has been through the past 34 weeks, I think it's okay to go ahead and induce and bring him into the world at 37 weeks. I cannot believe his birthday is in 3 weeks!!! Wow!

A vaginal delivery is still the plan and I do plan to birth all three babies. Told the doctor that we have decided to not see or hold the girls since they will be mostly bone and tissue and to cremate them. We then will keep their ashes together in a pretty box with their names on it and hold on to it for our son one day.

Having this date really made me happy and now I feel more motivated to continue on and get things ready for our little boy. As guilty as I do feel at times to be happy and move on, it's the right thing for him. My Dad came with me to the baby store today and bought us our infant car seat and that was so much fun! My Dad had a blast and I was happy he could be a part of that experience. The rest of this week and the next couple of weeks will be me going through girl stuff and boxing up the clothes and returning the duplicate twins things we received so we can get store credit and buy things for him as needed. I still hold faith in my heart that we will have another child one day and if it's a girl, we will have clothes for her. If not, I know lots of wonderful people who could use them.

Fingers and toes crossed that our little Ninja wants to stay in 3 more weeks and grow. He is super fiesty in my belly and growing at a great rate. Doctor thinks he will be least 6 lbs at 37 weeks if not more.

Guess I better get his first Halloween costume ready to wear!!!

Love you all...I can't believe this journey is almost over!! xoxo