"I Love you, Mom"

I came across this amazing song that speaks about exactly what I am going through. I am not a country fan but hearing the words in this song helped me to get past that. Here are the lyrics to the song......

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Wow...so many of it resonates in me. I cry when I hear the song. I decided to make a CD of Inspirational songs that remind me of what I am going through. I enjoy listening to the playlist in the car. It helps me to reflect and think and even though I cry through most of the CD, it helps to put things into perspective for me.

Last week, I had a chance to talk to Hsien's sister. She went through something similar as myself and it's easy to talk to her. She dosen't open up to many people but I am glad she feels she can be honest and open with me. Probably because I am with her. I am not afraid to express my feelings and get advice and help from someone who has experienced it. Talking with her I found out that she had high FSH as well! I had no idea! She said the doctors didn't find anything else wrong with her except high FSH and also not having a period regularly. It gives me hope that maybe...just maybe....one IUI will do the trick like it did for her. I can only hope and pray that it's that simple. I am going to surprise her and send her a CD of the songs that I put together.

Last night was a wonderful meditation session with Paul and Kate! I had one friend who was there with me and that was nice. She really got a chance to open up and cry which made me cry as well. Paul had us do this exercise where you take a card from a pile that he had in his hand. You don't see the card when picking it. The card I picked last night was so close to my heart that I couldn't believe it. When I turned the card over, the whole group had their mouth wide open. It was unbelievable. The card had on it a person (who later I revealed felt like myself) holding a giant egg in their hands. I was holding it in a gently protective way. The look on my face was very motherly and peaceful and proud. There was also colorful blue and purple crystals in the head area. To me it looked like light was coming from the top of my head and reflecting through the crystals as a beautiful aura around me. It was such an amazing card...I wish I had taken it home with me ;) It was absolutely too perfect for what I am going through right now.

The break I chose has been pretty good for me. I feel more at peace now with my infertility. I am now focusing on everything else around me and it has been one less thing to stress about. I am glad I am not focusing on it as much and enjoying the present life I have now. I am looking forward to November but for now I will enjoy everything I have right now. I still get moments of sadness and uncertainty but they pass more quickly then they did before.

Wow! Who knew??!!

I reached out to a few more friends that I adore that I wanted to share my story with and the responses have been beyond overwhelming! Oh my God! I had no idea how loved I was =) I truly am so lucky and blessed to have such AMAZING women in my life. That is the great thing about my friends...we are all bonded by something...family is important to all of us. Maybe some of us want kids, maybe some of us don't...but we all relate in some way to the struggles of infertility. We know how hard it is to not have a family. I really am glad I shared....I really am! I was a bit nervous and scared about doing it. In fact, I avoided my e-mail for most of the day. I wasn't sure what to expect but the responses have been what I needed. I HAVE to share one e-mail from a friend (who I will keep anonymous). Her e-mail touched me so much....it really helped me to know that I have people in my life to support me. Here it is:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dear friend,

I feel like I have so much to tell you and I just want to be with you right now and hug you very tight and give you all my love and support and positive energy, all from me to you.

I love you so much Monica; you are a sun, a flower, a beautiful angel sent from God directly to keep an eye on your close ones and I feel so very blessed every time I am with you because I feel loved.
You wrote in your blog that you were lucky to have friends around you; I'm sorry but it is the total opposite. WE are lucky to have YOU as our friend! And my God, have you ever asked yourself why you have so many friends you can count on? easy, it's because you show people and the world how to love and how to be the best friend anybody could wish for. You unconditionally love and that is a very hard quality to find nowdays...

I kept reading your posts and I started to cry (at work) because you simply do not deserve this struggle and it made me feel so powerless... I want to help so badly and yet, there is nothing I can really do but pray and to me that is not good enough because you deserve so much better from me, your friend, so it saddens me...

I'm not writing this to make you feel better or just to throw nice words to you, I'm writing this because that's what I deeply feel in my heart and I want you to know it. You always get to know what people truly feel in the hardest times, right?

I know that you and Hsien will make it happen and I know you two will ultimately be the happiest couple with a blessing baby.

Monica, if you ever need anything, talk, hang out, shop, spa, coffee, movie, anything, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to call me or email me. I will always be there for you...

Be strong and keep on smiling, beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow...I am still crying over this. Do I have awesome friends or what??!!! Sometimes it's nice to hear things like this from people because you never really sometimes know how they feel about you. Almost every response I got today was like this. Warms my little heart!

I have SO much more to talk about....I spoke with my Sister-in-Law today for a long time over the phone about everything going on with us. I will update more later though. It's been a long day and I am headed to bed.

Thank you for reading this....I love you!

Being honest

Ahhhhhh....I finally opened up to a few more people *waving! Hi ladies!* I'm nervous because I was so vulnerable to do that but I feel like I have to. I have so much pent up nerves that are just busting at the seams! Maybe I will get more advice...maybe more encouragement....maybe just a sense of relief that I can get through this with good friends. I really am very lucky for the people in my life. I have been making more of an effort to spend time with people who DO matter most. It's really the only way I can get through all this craziness.

Today was a better day...I cried only once. *woohooo* That is a huge accomplishment for me! I went to the acupuncturist who gave me words of encouragement. She told me not to be frustrated that the therapy hasn't worked yet. Eventually she said that everything will add up and align itself when it's suppose to happen *sigh* I hope so...it's not happening soon enough ;) It's really good for me to see her. She really listens and cares and wants me to be a Mom.

I've drank wine and coffee the past few days....it was very liberating! Almost sinful but I feel like I need to do this and take the break!

Hsien has still been my rock and super supportive through this whole thing. He is glad I am taking this break but also very encouraging. He counts my cycles more then me! Ha! Ha! Always asking me what day I am on ;) Ready set go! I think he still has faith that we can do this without help...I am glad one of us is optomistic! I just choose to be a realist about all of this. I hate to be skeptical but it's the only way to protect my feelings and emotions these days.

Thanks for reading tonight!

Having one of those days

Yep....it's one of those days where I have been throwing myself a Pity Party. I hate when I get in that type of mood. Even though it's not true...I just feel like no one "gets it" with me. Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me and swoon and give me attention...who knows but the reactions I get from "some" people (not all) is just not what I want to hear. I just feel so not optomistic about any of this. Part of me feels like I will go through all of these IVF treatments left with nothing. I've felt rejected so much lately that I can't even imagine something positive even happening. I want a baby so bad that it's just really wearing on me. I have so much to look forward to with this Europe vacation that I just can't even be excited about it. I can't wait for it to be over so that in November I can get the ball started with the treatments. Sad huh?

I can't imagine my life without being a Mom...except that part of me dreads that it might never ever happen for us. I hate this feeling. I always told myself that the biggest pain in my life is knowing I could never have children...and I just feel like it's come true.

I really hope all of this heartache, sadness and $$$$$ is worth it one day.....

A Breathe of fresh air

Making the decision to step back from all of this infertility stuff has surprisingly not been as hard as I thought. I do still cry...a lot! Friday I cried and it felt good. I do most of my crying in my car when I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of love loss. It's okay though....I remind myself that it's okay to cry because what I am going through is like losing a loved one. Eventually the happy times will come.

Hsien and I had a really good talk on Thursday night...so happy about that! He told me not to worry about money because he dosen't. That struck me as a good thing and he is on board with whatever we need to do to become parents. I asked him if he wanted to do all of this stuff or just go straight into adoption. He said he wanted to try first for a child that was biologically from us. If that didn't work out, adoption would be fine too! So either way...in some way...Hsien and I are going to be parents in the future.

I truly am so lucky to have Hsien in my life. I tend to be an emotional rollercoaster and he is just so calm and level headed. We really do make a great team. I need to appreciate him more and not take him for granted. I decided to hug and kiss him more and show how much he means to me more. Not that I wasn't before but I think I should kiss him every night before bed and when we wake up to remind myself of how lucky I got!

This really has been a good weekend. I have had so much positive feedback on here from dear friends that it's overwhelmind. I am truly blessed. I also got a chance to talk to someone whom I have considered my best friend for so many years. Her and I have not been as close as we should for a while now. I am glad we talked and got out all of our feelings. I feel like the walls are coming down and that is a wonderful thing. I plan to share this blog with her soon. Love you so much B.S. (those are her initials....I am not saying Bull S#*% Ha! Ha!)

Love is in the air today!

Where is my chill pill?

So today was the day...D Day so to speak. The day the RE was going to tell me my destiny of having a baby. It was a pretty emotional day considering it started off on the wrong foot and just all together a lousy morning. Purely because I let my impatience and frustration get the best of me and take it out on my true love. I feel guilty about that but learning that I need to take a chill pill.

After that morning drama, I got to work and quickly headed out of the office. I could not sit there all day with the things going through my head. I was too emotional and wanted to cry continuously. I started out doing inspections first which I cried inbetween seeing employees, wiping away tears and hoping that no one noticed that I had been crying a minute before. Funny situation...at one stop, I had used the bathroom and was playing with my phone. Well 10 minutes go by and I am 5 miles away and I realize I left my phone there! Ahhhhhhhhh!! I think God was telling me to slow the heck down and relax....chill out! Take it more slowly. I raced back and thank God, the phone was in the bathroom stall, right where I left it. I knew then that I needed to slow down. After that sitaution, I decided to go to the RE appt and get it over with. I cried before I got out of the car and braced myself for what I expected.

I checked in and Dr. D'Amico saw me pretty soon after that. He didn't sugar coat anything. Told me I was pretty much going into pre-menopause and that my eggs currently were not doing there job. I needed help producing more eggs in order to get pregnant. The good news is that the rest of me looks fine....my uterus, tubes, etc are great! My problem is getting pregnant...but more then likely I can probably hold a pregnancy once it happens. Many woman get pregnant quickly, only to miscarry over and over. I can deal with this reality as I would rather have a hard time getting pregnant and then be able to hold it then lose it after finding out. Clomid is out of the question because I already ovulate just fine and don't need help with that. He wants to move forward with IUI first and see how that goes. If that does not work....we need to move straight into IVF. My heart stung hearing those 3 letters. IVF...never ever did I ever believe that I would ever get to this point. I cried of course but he told me that if I was open to all of the options available that getting pregnant would happen. I even asked about donor eggs and he was glad I was open to that. He dosen't think it will be something I will have to come to but was glad I was open to it. We will try this first with my own eggs and hope for the best.

I signed up for an injections class for November 2nd. I informed him that I was leaving for 3 weeks and that it would probably be best to wait until after. He thought that was a good idea and I am happy that I am waiting. It will give me time to think and take a break for a while before we dive into shots and hormones. I am going to get fat and I hate that....but if I want to be a mother, I have to make these sacrifices.

So that is where I am at this point. I made a decision to take a break from testing my ovulation, taking my temperature...whatever I am doing to track my periods. It's all going in a box until we get back from our trip. I am going to stop obsessing about this whole getting pregnant thing. I am learning that it is out of my control and I need to stop making myself stir crazy with testing and thinking about it. It will be really good for me to do this. I will no longer read books or online articles about infertility until we get back from our trip. I have books that need to be read that are not about infertility and I am going to enjoy each one!

It's sad but I need to face this head on. I need to talk to Hsien because it's going to involve a lot of emotions, help with shots and money. I stress so much about money....purely because the way I was raised. We have the money for the IVF...that is not the problem. It's the fact that we will have to pay maybe up to $25,000 to even get pregnant. It's hard to understand and swallow that doing this will cost us what a new car costs when people every single day get pregnant without even thinking about it. But I need to realize that this is MY destiny and not my friends or another persons. Just because they got pregnant easily does not mean it will happen for me. I need to be thankful for everything else I have...a home, a job and a great husband who loves me. I have more then most. I have the capability of being a Mom in any capacity I choose. The option is there...it will just take time and money but it will happen and I have to realize that. Life isn't easy. Maybe this is a lesson God is teaching me...that I take life for granted too much. Now I have something in front of me totally out of my control and I need to accept this and do what I need to do without getting upset, made or frustrated. It will not make this situation any easier!

I am going to unwind now....hopefully get a chance to talk to Hsien about all of this. xoxox

Praying Lindsey

Yesterday when I went to the RE doctor for my ultrasound, I was getting out of the car and walked past a smiling blonde woman. She looked at me almost like we knew each other so it caught me off guard but she told me "I like your shirt". I smiled and thanked her and told her my Mom got it for me from Kohl's.

As I walked into the REI clinic, I noticed the same blonde woman walking in behind me with her (I am guessing) husband. It struck me a bit that this nice woman was there possibly for the same reasons I was. We both waited in line to check in and smiled at each other. I sat behind her and her husband. I noticed a few moments later that she grabbed her husband close and was whispering in his ear. This went on for quite a while but then noticed her eyes were shut. They were praying. My heart sank and I couldn't hold back the tears. Seeing those two together in the REI clinic waiting room and praying hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked away and teared up in the bathroom and used a tissue to blot my eyes. They called her name and her name is Lindsey. I feel for her...I wanted to hug her yesterday and I wish I had. I am really thinking about her and only hope and wish the best for them both.

I wonder if I will run across Lindsey again?