19 more days

That is how long I can expect to be pregnant for *sigh*

Doctor's appt today (like ALWAYS) was not a good one...for once I would love to walk out of there feeling positive and good about my babies but I think that has happened once this whole pregnancy. *sigh*

Baby Boy A is measuring well and right on schedule...he is currently 1 lb and 10 oz. He has no problems and appears to be growing and receiving nutrients.

Baby Girl B is measuring behind 3 weeks and is 1 lb and 2 oz. Her amniotic fluid is still very low and her blood flow from the placenta continues to worsten.

Doctors says that this is the point if it was a singleton that she would have me do an immediate cesarean. I am 25 weeks and 2 days today. As much as I would love to save both of these babies, my husband and I (as well as the doctor) feel it's best to wait until 28 weeks to do a delivery. We would rather bring home one healthy baby then risk the chance of both babies not living after birth. The choices and decisions that come with multiples is so hard to bear. I am really just dying inside right now....numb also because I just don't know what will happen and if I am doing the right thing.

If Baby B is still alive by week 27 (doctor thinks the chances of that are pretty low though), she will have us do the steroid shot and then plan to do the cesarian around August 23rd. At that point both babies will be 28 weeks and have a higher chance of survival outside of the womb and being taken care.

I don't know what or why this is happening. I feel like I have been teased from Day 1. As grateful as I am to have been blessed with triplets, I wish now that it had been a singleton pregnancy from the beginning. The liklihood of my heart breaking every minute would probably not happen and I would have never had gotten my heart set on having three babies. That will never happen again and the chances of having twins now is very low too. Maybe the Karma train decided to make a U-turn and make me and the babies suffer for something I have done in my life that was wrong. Maybe that dreaded demon called "Infertility" wants to see me continue suffering and is taking away babies from me so I can be taught a lesson? I thought getting pregnant was hard.....this is a million times worst. Having the loss of a child this far along or knowing that it can happen again hurts a million times worst then all the BFNs I have ever had.

After the appt, I met with that nice lady Leila after her son's appt. Her husband came with her too and it was nice to meet all of them. I cried so hard when I saw her and she held me forever. I was glad I could do that with her and she gave me a lot of encouragement. Her husband was so wonderful too and gave me a lot of love and encouragement as well. Their son Liam is perfect at 7 months old. Her sons were identical and both born at 1 lb 8 oz and 1 lb 9 oz at 24 weeks. Sadly her son Ewan only lived to 70 days or so. She was so sweet....she makes baskets for the NICU Moms and brings them to them and she said she already started making mine and it will be a little extra special. How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredibly generous woman?

So now I sit here, eating a whole box of Nestle ice cream drumsticks crying my eyes out for whatever the future holds for us. I would love to believe that Baby B will survive and make it but part of me has a hard time being strong and believing that. I was strong for Baby Grace and looked what happened. Then I thought after her loss that things would be so much easier for the other two but it seems to have taken a turn for the worst.

Through this all though, we do have a son who is healthy as can be. I need to keep remembering that. I feel completely selfish about everything else and I want it all but we do have that little boy that will probably survive and be a joy to our lives. I may never get to experience a full term pregnancy or get to the point of waddling or feeling so uncomfortable or get to that point of running to the L&D because I think something is wrong. I may never get to have a baby shower the way I imagined I would but at the end of all of this....I will be blessed with a healthy son....and hopefully a healthy daughter too. Until then...this will be the longest 19 days of my life.

Seeing the Silver Lining

It's been a rough week for me...shed a lot of tears, felt sorry for myself and questioned so many things about what was happening with the pregnancy. It's taken the week to realize that I am truly lucky and blessed and I need to hold on to that. I have TWO babies in my belly that want to come home to us and that is more then I ever imagined I would ever have or what many couples will ever have. That is a lot and it is amazing!

The local Multiples Club that I am a part of had hooked me up with a super awesome Triplet Mom back when we found out we were having three. I was so grateful to her...she has been awesome. She knew we lost Grace and set me up with another woman near me who was pregnant with twins last year and had to deliver them at 24 weeks. Sadly one of her boys only lived 70 days but her other son is now 7 months old and thriving and so beautiful. Her name is Leila and she has been such an inspiration to me. We have talked on the phone a few times and have sent multiple letters of encouragement back and forth on Facebook. I am excited that she also delivered her boys at the same hospital that I am at and she told me over and over yesterday that we are in the best hands with the best doctors. She dealt with all of the perinatologists that I have and also the NICU doctor we met with on Monday. Leila felt that although she lost her son, she never once doubted that she was not in the best of care and that many of the doctors at our hospital also work or affiliated with Stanford. Her telling me this really helped me to cope. I never doubted our care or my doctors and it's nice to know that I can continue with the pregnancy and feel good. Leila and I are meeting at the hospital next week when her son has an appt. I can't wait to hug her. She is so sweet....she tells me over and over "I know we have not met yet but I love you a lot". She has given me more support and love then most people that have been in my life for years. I just feel so lucky to have her support and experience to learn from. She kept things in perspective for me and told me "You still have 2 beautiful babies in your belly! No one has left you yet...cherish that and stop worrying that it will happen because everything will probably work out!"

After our phone conversation yesterday (that lasted about 2 hours this time!) I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. She told me to enjoy all of those kicks and thumps in my belly because it's my babies telling me they are okay. I need to get through my stubborn brain that I AM having a boy and a girl and that I need to not be afraid to yell that from the rooftops. I will forever miss Grace but I am having TWINS and that is amazing!

Another amazing thing (or two).....I have two baby showers planned in August!!!! My Aunts are throwing one for me August 14th and a group of my Dance friends are throwing me another one on August 27th!! I feel so blessed and excited! I have to stop worrying that the babies will be born before then...and just go with all of this and be happy and excited. The babies will come when they are good and ready and I am hoping that is at least not until mid Septemeber at the earliest.

Thanks for listening to me ramble! I love you all!

Bitter

Well the good news is Baby B is still alive and moving alot.

The bad news is that her amniotic fluid is low and continues to have placental issues and lower growth.

The doctor is very concerned and will see me again next week to check her growth and fluids. She discussed early delivery which we are not going to do yet (and she advised to wait a few more weeks). We are thinking to wait until at least 28 weeks since so many complications and problems can happen between 24-26 weeks. The doctor also recommended possibly me staying in the hospital within the next week or so until I give birth. We met with the NICU doctor today after our appt to go over statistics of outcomes for babies born before 28 weeks. Heartbreaking!

The appt next Wed will give us more information. Honestly I will not be surprised if Baby B has no heartbeat next week. I am tired of being optomistic and upbeat when all it has done is bring us constant pain and heartache. The likleyhood of her surviving is so slim.....I do agree that miracles happen but I dunno....it just seems so unlikly that the outcome will be good for her. We do have a healthy baby boy that I am totally grateful every day for but incredibly sad for because he will never get to meet or know his sisters.

I just don't get it...I feel like we we had everything and were on top of the world and then poof! taken away in an instance. Why does this happen? I feel sorry for my babies.....I have had such an easy pregnancy and have felt great while they sit there and struggle to survive. I don't get it....they never did anything wrong.

I'm sad...I'm bitter....this wasn't suppose to be the way it happens. My husband and I named Baby B today but it makes me so so sad.

Baby Grace is now an Angel in Heaven.....

We had our 22 week ultrasound yesterday for our babies and sadly found out that Baby C Grace passed away sometime in the past 2 weeks. She had no heartbeat when the u/s tech checked her. I am sad...devastated....hurt.....I just cannot believe she is gone. I guess she knew she was not ready for the world and went to Heaven instead. I am crushed....we no longer have triplets and that is just breaking my heart. How do you heal from this news? How do you tell people you love that one of the girls is gone? After the appt, I went straight to my husband's work and told him in the car. He was shocked of course...sad too. I don't think he expected this news today either.

On the bright note though...we do have our twins (which is so weird for me to say now). Baby A boy is doing really well and over a pound now. He wasn't as active as he usually is and the tech said it was because he sensed his Mom's sadness. I lost it after she said that....she was so sweet about everything. Baby B girl, the doctor is concerned about and this is coming from the doctor I trust and like. Her blood flow from the placenta is not as strong as it should be and she is worried about that because she believes that is why Baby C passed away. Baby B is slightly smaller then her brother but nothing alarming. The doctor wants me back in 2 weeks to check on everything and I pray and hope that Baby B will be okay. I really do not think I can handle another baby loss right now. The doctor told me to be prepared that if things do not look good at my 24 week ultrasound that they might have to deliver the twins early. Ugh! I really hope not....why can't things be normal or good?!

The doctor has released me from work which I am grateful for. I am doing fine...my cervix is nice and high and tight and I feel great overall but with the news today, I just can't even think about anything right now. She signed the note for me and I went down to the business office at Kaiser after to start the process for disability. I think I really need this time to grieve and focus on the health of those babies even though I am fine now. The doctor said I will be getting really big and it's just a matter of time anyways that I would be out on bedrest. It's sort of a relief now being at home knowing that I don't have to think or worry about work right now.

So here I am.....so many things to think about and changes. We bought the triplet stroller in April that we plan to sell now. I cannot keep it...I cannot even look at it without crying my heart out. Hopefully we can sell it on craigslist fast. We had plans to go look at a used minivan this weekend about an hour away but we are not going to buy one now. The cars we have now will be perfect for twins anyways. I need to update my baby registry to change items from 3 to 2 as well. We still plan to have the baby shower on Sunday unless my husband changes his mind. Sorry to sound this all out...I just need to let it out. I grieve best with a plan and a focus. I miss my daughter but I know I need to stay strong for the other two and move on. There is nothing I can do to bring her back.

The thought of calling my Mom about this news is killing me....but I know I have to. How do I tell her? I just want to cry! How do I tell everyone? I have been posting all over Facebook about the triplets....is there an eloquent way of posting something on FB about it so that I don't have to tell or explain to everyone? I need help.....this is so hard. I feel like I am a neverending waterfall right now.

20 weeks!!

I simply cannot believe I am 20 weeks pregnant. I sit here in total awe thinking to myself, "Is this REALLY happening to me? Am I in a dream? How did I get so lucky?" There are days where I just feel like I am in a dream. All those years of heartache and tears and wanting to have a family and here I am today....pregnant with three! If you had told me last year...heck if you told me 6 months ago that I was going to have triplets, I would NEVER believe it!

Today was our 20 week appointment. I will be honest...I was NERVOUS about it! This is right around the time where the average Mom of triplets goes out on bedrest. I met with an NP that I had never met before but I really really liked her! She was easy to talk to and listened to me. I had to do my pee test first and get weighed. She did a belly ultrasound of the babies and all three were kicking around and having fun! Baby A (boy) and Baby C (Grace) are really the most active. They are constantly bumping into each other and it's really fun to see. I wonder if that is how it will be when they are out in the world. Baby B continues to be my quiet, content little girl. Baby Grace continues to look smaller then her brother and sister but every week she looks to be growing more and more. Plus they were worried about her amniotic fluid being low last week but today it looked to be improving! Yeah! My little fighter!

My cervix looked great too...which is what I was really worried about.

NP stated that I didn't need to go on bedrest at this moment and that I look to be carrying very well. My weight looks good. According to the chart, I gained 13 lbs since the beginning of May. The NP dosen't think that is completely accurate because different scales were used. She dosen't seem concerned about my weight but referring me to a nutrition specialist and wants me to continue eating the same I am now until my consultation. We also discussed pre-term labor and gave me a booklet to read and signed me up for a pre-term labor seminar with the Perinatologist.

I also had my momentous one-hour Blood glucose test today! That was pretty uneventful because I actually expected it to be awful but it was easy. The drink was tasty and I sat around in the lab for an hour. Luckily my friend Susan was also at the hospital for an appt for herself and her and her daughter came and kept me company for the hour before the blood draw! I was so happy! Hopefully the results come back in my favor and that I never have to worry about Gestational diabetes!

Our next appt is July 13th but lately I have noticed that always changes depending on lab or test results. I might be going back sooner if my diabetes test comes back unfavorable.

I am feeling great and experiencing no pain or concerns! So amazing! I guess I should have bit my tongue all of those years cursing my mother for blessing me with such curvy hips LOL! I now know why I was blessed with them and that makes me smile. I will never criticize my hips again!

A HUGE sigh of relief!!!!

I wrote this on Thursday night.......

I can finally say that I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy what is going on right now. Of course nothing is for certain and I am sure there will be plenty of more obstacles with this pregnancy but I feel great right now.

This morning my husband and I went to the doctor appt and had another full ultrasound measuring the babies and checking them out. I think this u/s technician did not like my husband LOL! She was being such a bitch to him. I felt bad...poor guy. She was so sweet to me....I have no idea what her problem with him was. He accidently bumped the table while she was doing the u/s and she stops looks at him and says "Okay. I am going to ask you to not touch the table at all during this appt". I wanted to bust up laughing because it was so crude the way she said it. My poor husband sheepishly says "Oh. Sorry". I just grabbed his shoulder and said "It's okay babe. It was an accident...I know that". I know he was irritated with her. Then he decides to take his phone out of his pocket because it was poking him and the light came on and again she says in the same exact tone and manner "Okay. I am going to ask you not to have your phone on during the appt. The light is distracting and I have a lot to look at here." OMG! I just told the tech that it won't happen again and looked at my husband who wouldn't look at me...he was pissed LOL! Anyways...that was the funny part of the appt.

So...Dr Lin comes in about an hour later to check out the results of the u/s. I had her as my doctor at my 12 week scan and I really liked her. I felt like she explained things well and spoke to me in a manner that was calm and straightforward.

She addressed all of the concerns that the other doctor had on Friday looking at the scans. She saw no problem of the heart (thank God!) She says generally they don't check the heart until 20 weeks because it's not really fully developed until then. She showed me the chambers and went through the heart and the blood pumping. Then on the hands because the last doctor felt like she had abnormal hands. Well we looked at her hands and they looked great....all 4 fingers and a thumb and we could clearly see the bones. Again....wonderful news to hear!

Her only two concerns were of course the slow growth. Grace is still measuring 2 weeks behind BUT she has grown since last Friday's ultrasound which was encouraging. The other thing she noticed was with the placenta there is usually 3 vessel cords which go from the umbilical cord to the placenta....she has 2 which might be causing her slow growth or not. My husband and I left the appt feeling MUCH better. Still I was a bit annoyed at what the other doctor said...I know she isn't God and she isn't perfect but she really got me worked up in a bad way. =(

So after the appt, my husband left for work and I went to grab a bite at a local deli. Dr Lin called me at that time and asked me if it was okay if I come back to see her today or tomorrow. She was really concerned about the placentas and didn't feel like she got a good look at them today. I said I could be there in 15 mins. She met me back at the same room during lunch hour so no one was there and she could spend as much time as she needed. Really made me feel better that she cared enough to look and have me come in at no cost. She found the 3 placentas and was happy to see that so they are definitely fraternal. This was reassuring because if something does go wrong with one of the babies, the other two will be self sufficent because of their placentas. She wants me to come back next Wed to take a look again. She also asked me about my job and I told her that for the most part my job is a desk job but I do have site inspections that I go on 1-3 times a week and have to drive around and meet clients and check on things. She told me she no longer wants me to do that part of my job and to strictly stick to sitting at a desk. She wants me off my feet as much as possible right now. She wrote me a note and I will give it to my boss tomorrow....I am sure she will "love" that LOL! Oh well.....not my worry any more!

So overall it was a great day and I feel a huge sense of relief...of course things are still high risk and I am sure anything can happen at this point but I feel better...much better! I actually enjoyed my day! I went and got my hair cut finally after 3 months and I can wake up tomorrow feeling beautiful and knowing my babies are awesome!

Today I am 18 weeks and 3 days....moving quickly!

Thank you for all of the prayers, good advice and love....I think it really did help us get back on track! xoxxo

Bittersweet

Yesterday we had our big anatomy ultrasound and found out that we are having 2 girls and a boy! So amazing and what a nice surprise!! I was for certain we were having 3 boys! LOL!

All seemed to go well during our appt until the end when the doctor came in. I didn't see it coming at all.....but the doctor sat with me and said that the tech may have found some abnormalties with Baby Girl C. She is growing 2 weeks behind her brother and sister and appears to have a heart defect. I didn't even know what to say through all of this but the tears started pouring out and that was when I cried harder then I have ever before on that ultrasound table. How could this be happening at almost 18 weeks along? Could we really lose one of our babies in utero?

We have decided at this time to go on as normal.....tell everyone about the triplets being a boy and 2 girls because there is still that chance that she might make it. I have an appt next Thursday with the genetic counselor and to schedule an amnio and whatever else I have to do.

I am so sad today....I should be screaming from the top of my lungs about this. I called my parents and brother about the great news about the boy and the girls but it was so hard for me to hold back tears. I just do not have the energy or will to tell them what is going on. I can't break their hearts. There is still that chance that she will make it!! Yesterday was suppose to be a great day for us knowing the genders but instead I was sad and cried all day about the news.

I woke up today feeling more positive. I cried a lot yesterday and my husband and I talked and agreed not to jump to any conclusions or drastic measures until we have more answers and get at least 3 doctors opinions of all of this. Miracles happen every single day. She might be small and she might have a heart problem.....but she can survive! She comes from a longggg line of strong women (my Mom in particular!) and I was born 2 months early weighting 3lbs 6 oz and I have lived a happy normal life. I just have to keep believing in her to win this fight. All day yesterday I was rubbing to the right of my belly button where she is growing right now. I talk to her and tell her to be strong. I also talk to her siblings and tell them to help her grow healthy. As sad as this all is for me and my husband, I want her to survive, not for us two but for her siblings. I want them to have a sister! I think that is very special. I have a name for her that I want to call her even if she does not survive. I need to talk to my husband and see how he feels about naming her now. I think it will be good for all of us to have an identity for her.

Last night after dinner, my husband and I were driving home and on the radio came on "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago...still one of my all time favorite songs. My husband just started belting out all of the words singing in the car so loudly to the song. I was shocked! I had no idea he even knew about this song! I asked him "When did you ever start listening to Chicago?". He said "What do you mean? I have always loved this song. They are such a great band!" I was shocked! I love that song! And of course listening to the lyrics last night I was BAWLING in the car....completely reminds me of what we are going through right now together. I feel so lucky and blessed with him.

Today is a new day....I have to keep believing that she will get through all of this and I need to stay strong for all three of my babies. Shutting down and thinking the worst is not healthy right now. I still cry but I am only human. I plan to do some retail therapy today. Maybe finally go out and get the babies some things! I also need some more maternity pants...the one pair of pants and shorts I have is not cutting it right now. ;) I updated our babies registry to reflect Bumbo seats in pink, blue and purple! I think those are some nice colors together.

For now, I continue to be the Mom of 3 beautiful children and hope that never changes. Hoping for more answers in the next month or so.