Yesterday when I went to the RE doctor for my ultrasound, I was getting out of the car and walked past a smiling blonde woman. She looked at me almost like we knew each other so it caught me off guard but she told me "I like your shirt". I smiled and thanked her and told her my Mom got it for me from Kohl's.
As I walked into the REI clinic, I noticed the same blonde woman walking in behind me with her (I am guessing) husband. It struck me a bit that this nice woman was there possibly for the same reasons I was. We both waited in line to check in and smiled at each other. I sat behind her and her husband. I noticed a few moments later that she grabbed her husband close and was whispering in his ear. This went on for quite a while but then noticed her eyes were shut. They were praying. My heart sank and I couldn't hold back the tears. Seeing those two together in the REI clinic waiting room and praying hit me like a ton of bricks. I walked away and teared up in the bathroom and used a tissue to blot my eyes. They called her name and her name is Lindsey. I feel for her...I wanted to hug her yesterday and I wish I had. I am really thinking about her and only hope and wish the best for them both.
I wonder if I will run across Lindsey again?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Moving fast...feeling guilty...feeling ugh!
Yesterday was a good day. I went to the doctor's and had the ultrasound done by the nurse practioner. She went in to check my antral follile count.
The good news is: I have 7 follicles on each side! A total of 14! The NP said this was good news. She also said my progesterone test done the week before was very good. There is hope! She had me schedule an appt with my RE in a few days and discussed maybe starting the clomid challenge test. I got some lab test results back today. My estradiol went down so that is good. Last month it was 89 and today it was 71...so the good news is it's going down.
The bad news is: that I am only as good as my worst FSH test. =( Last month it was 13.3. Unfortunately just a few moments ago, I got my FSH results from this morning and it was 15.9. I am DEVASTATED! I want to cry but I have no more tears to cry. I just don't know what to think anymore. Why is this happening to me???!!!
Also another thing, I feel guilty moving on with the Clomid Challenge test. I've been doing acupuncture for 2 months really hoping I could beat infertility and do it on my own. Now I'm realizing that I might need a little push (or maybe eventually a big push) to get pregnant. I feel so guilty. I feel like a failure and that I've let myself down. I really didn't want to take any pills, shots or anything and here I go, ready to start. I dreaded telling my acupuncturist today that I might start clomid on Friday which is Day 5. She was okay with my decision. I know she wants me to keep trying with the acupuncture but after getting my FSH results today....I think I need to do more.
I vented to my infertility online support group and I got some really amazing feedback from them. Everyone has felt the same as me. I need to follow my heart and move forward with this. I cannot waste time and think it's going to get easier...because it won't. If I want a baby, I need to listen to my RE.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I meet with Dr. D'Amico at noon and hoping for the best!!
The good news is: I have 7 follicles on each side! A total of 14! The NP said this was good news. She also said my progesterone test done the week before was very good. There is hope! She had me schedule an appt with my RE in a few days and discussed maybe starting the clomid challenge test. I got some lab test results back today. My estradiol went down so that is good. Last month it was 89 and today it was 71...so the good news is it's going down.
The bad news is: that I am only as good as my worst FSH test. =( Last month it was 13.3. Unfortunately just a few moments ago, I got my FSH results from this morning and it was 15.9. I am DEVASTATED! I want to cry but I have no more tears to cry. I just don't know what to think anymore. Why is this happening to me???!!!
Also another thing, I feel guilty moving on with the Clomid Challenge test. I've been doing acupuncture for 2 months really hoping I could beat infertility and do it on my own. Now I'm realizing that I might need a little push (or maybe eventually a big push) to get pregnant. I feel so guilty. I feel like a failure and that I've let myself down. I really didn't want to take any pills, shots or anything and here I go, ready to start. I dreaded telling my acupuncturist today that I might start clomid on Friday which is Day 5. She was okay with my decision. I know she wants me to keep trying with the acupuncture but after getting my FSH results today....I think I need to do more.
I vented to my infertility online support group and I got some really amazing feedback from them. Everyone has felt the same as me. I need to follow my heart and move forward with this. I cannot waste time and think it's going to get easier...because it won't. If I want a baby, I need to listen to my RE.
I feel so sick to my stomach. I meet with Dr. D'Amico at noon and hoping for the best!!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Gotta have Faith!
Today at work I was thinking and suddenly George Michael pops into my little head and "Gotta have Faith" started playing in my head Ha! Ha! George is trying to tell me something ;)
Today was a pretty shitty day for me. I had really bad cramps but finally they went away after I got my period *Boooooooo!* Part of me was sad but part of me was glad to finally get it and just move on. Sort of like putting me out of my misery already! The good news is that my period is staying consistent and I can now predict that it's 31 days long. After I got my period, I called my RE's office and scheduled my antral follicle count for tomorrow at 1:30pm. This procedure is described here:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that we can see - and measure and count - with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles.
Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures. In my opinion, the antral follicle counts (in conjunction with female age) are by far the best tool that we currently have for estimating ovarian reserve and/or chances for pregnancy with in vitro fertilization.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank God I have a boss who understand what I am going through and will let me come and go to appts when I need to. She went through IVF with both of her pregnancies so she understands. Looking forward to the appt and hoping for good news. Then Wed, I have another FSH and estradiol blood test done to check my levels. I am REALLY hoping that they improve since my acupuncture the past month. That is really my only hope at this moment. If the ultrasound and lab tests go poorly, I will be crushed. My soul will just hurt so badly. Still...trying to stay positive!
I had another acupuncture appt today and it went well. I showed the Dr. my BBT charts and she said that the end of my cycle is strong and that is GOOD! *Wooohooo! I love positive stuff!* She also wants me to start putting a heating bad on my tummy at night so I will do that. I love warm stuff. She wants me to continue to eat and drink warm foods for my blood and she also mentioned that the color of my tongue looks great. *phew* I had a good appt and looking forward to seeing her again on Wed.
I had a really really good cry when I got home today. I had a few personal messages and notes from my online women's group friends and it warmed my heart. Their words just overwhelmed me with love and encouragement. They are pretty awesome women in my life....I wish I had them closer to me physically but just knowing that they are "there" to read and encourage me, is so awesome! I couldn't stop crying and just grabbed Hsien and cried all over his white shirt. It felt good to just let it out. I got makeup all over his shirt but he dosen't care. ;) I am still teary eyed as I write this and I cried a lot after I re-read the blog I wrote yesterday. I was really hurting last night when I wrote. Hopefully I can get through this hump of feeling sorry for myself and move on and feel positive again.
Hopefully the night will get better. Hsien ran out to buy us some Rocky Road ice cream so that should make me feel better. I'm trying to avoid dairy products but right now, considering I have my period and I am crampy and irritable, I think it would be okay to have a bowl (or two) of ice cream.
Hoping for a good ultrasound tomorrow!
Today was a pretty shitty day for me. I had really bad cramps but finally they went away after I got my period *Boooooooo!* Part of me was sad but part of me was glad to finally get it and just move on. Sort of like putting me out of my misery already! The good news is that my period is staying consistent and I can now predict that it's 31 days long. After I got my period, I called my RE's office and scheduled my antral follicle count for tomorrow at 1:30pm. This procedure is described here:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that we can see - and measure and count - with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles.
Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures. In my opinion, the antral follicle counts (in conjunction with female age) are by far the best tool that we currently have for estimating ovarian reserve and/or chances for pregnancy with in vitro fertilization.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank God I have a boss who understand what I am going through and will let me come and go to appts when I need to. She went through IVF with both of her pregnancies so she understands. Looking forward to the appt and hoping for good news. Then Wed, I have another FSH and estradiol blood test done to check my levels. I am REALLY hoping that they improve since my acupuncture the past month. That is really my only hope at this moment. If the ultrasound and lab tests go poorly, I will be crushed. My soul will just hurt so badly. Still...trying to stay positive!
I had another acupuncture appt today and it went well. I showed the Dr. my BBT charts and she said that the end of my cycle is strong and that is GOOD! *Wooohooo! I love positive stuff!* She also wants me to start putting a heating bad on my tummy at night so I will do that. I love warm stuff. She wants me to continue to eat and drink warm foods for my blood and she also mentioned that the color of my tongue looks great. *phew* I had a good appt and looking forward to seeing her again on Wed.
I had a really really good cry when I got home today. I had a few personal messages and notes from my online women's group friends and it warmed my heart. Their words just overwhelmed me with love and encouragement. They are pretty awesome women in my life....I wish I had them closer to me physically but just knowing that they are "there" to read and encourage me, is so awesome! I couldn't stop crying and just grabbed Hsien and cried all over his white shirt. It felt good to just let it out. I got makeup all over his shirt but he dosen't care. ;) I am still teary eyed as I write this and I cried a lot after I re-read the blog I wrote yesterday. I was really hurting last night when I wrote. Hopefully I can get through this hump of feeling sorry for myself and move on and feel positive again.
Hopefully the night will get better. Hsien ran out to buy us some Rocky Road ice cream so that should make me feel better. I'm trying to avoid dairy products but right now, considering I have my period and I am crampy and irritable, I think it would be okay to have a bowl (or two) of ice cream.
Hoping for a good ultrasound tomorrow!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Emotionally drained
I am writing this in tears. I am having a bad bad day and just want to cry my eyes out. In fact, I had to leave our bedroom because I kept weeping and didn't want to wake my husband up. I am "suppose" to get my period tomorrow. I feel crampy, irritable and just plain SAD. It's like everytime I get my period, a part of me dies. I did everything right this month....spent almost $1000 on acupuncture for the next 2 months, went to Reiki sessions, meditated, kept happy thoughts in my head and I just feel like I am wasting my time with all of this. I freak out so much about the money being spent and I hate it. It's hard for me not to think about it because I know Hsien thinks about it too although he never makes me feel bad about it. I just wish I could be "normal" and get pregnant like everyone else around me with no trouble. What did I ever do to deserve it? I am so freakin sick and tired of people telling me that if I stop stressing and thinking about it that it will happen. I just want to slap those people in the face and say "FU...you have no idea what I am going through". I am just so mad and frustrated right now. I am just so worried about what the next "step" is going to be that the doctor decides. Once I get my period, I have to go in for a ovaries ultrasound and do another FSH and estradiol re-test. I will be CRUSHED if my levels are not better. I will feel so hopeless and broken. Part of me feels like I cannot emotionally handle moving forward with treatments. I just don't think I can do it and that is why I think I can't stop crying. At this point, I think I would rather go the adoption route. Of course that is mentally draining but part of me feels like it's more of a sure thing. I dunno...I am just do freakin fed up right now. I hate all of this. I feel so low and sad and afraid. I am letting this all get to me. Most of the time I have my good days but today has been bad. I can't stop crying and don't want Hsien to see me. I just don't know what to do next. I can only hope and pray that 1-I don't get my period this week and I am indeed pregnant or 2-my FSH and estradiol levels lower and I can have more hope that acupunture IS working and that I can maybe get pregnant all on my own. Maybe the 3 weeks in Europe will do me some good. I don't plan to chart or use my fertility monitor or read anything about infertility while I am away. It might be a good thing for me. Also, charting my temps every morning has I think caused more stress to me. I do it every morning, never really understanding what the hell the temperature even means. It's like adding one more thing to my full plate. I dunno if I want to continue doing it....I think it's stressing me out more then I really need to be. Ugh! I hate all of this...life isn't fair. What the f did I ever do to deserve this. I feel like I am letting Hsien and everyone around me down.
Oh one thing I wanted to write about before I totally forget it in my brain: last week I had a dream (Wed night I think). I was with my Acupuncturist and she gave me a big tea bag and told me to pee on it to see if I was pregnant. So I pee on it and it's saturated LOL! I am holding it up looking at it and suddenly two big circles appear on it...one bright red and the other bright blue and they are overlapping a bit. I was confused what the circles meant so Kate (my Reiki Master) appears in my dream and she is helping me to figure out what it means and we are checking the box and we could not figure it out. She tells me I should ask my acupuncturist and I go looking for it...then I wake up.
Just having a bad day.....I needed to vent. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.
Oh one thing I wanted to write about before I totally forget it in my brain: last week I had a dream (Wed night I think). I was with my Acupuncturist and she gave me a big tea bag and told me to pee on it to see if I was pregnant. So I pee on it and it's saturated LOL! I am holding it up looking at it and suddenly two big circles appear on it...one bright red and the other bright blue and they are overlapping a bit. I was confused what the circles meant so Kate (my Reiki Master) appears in my dream and she is helping me to figure out what it means and we are checking the box and we could not figure it out. She tells me I should ask my acupuncturist and I go looking for it...then I wake up.
Just having a bad day.....I needed to vent. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Makin' Soup
Today was a much better day! I started out with a good walk/jog for about 50 minutes this morning. Then off to the acupuncturist! I love seeing her because it gives me peace of mind. She always asks me how I am doing as far as my infertility journey and always asks me what day in my cycle I am on. Today she did not put any needles in my belly but focused mostly on my ears, head and feet. I definitely need to work on my circulation more and will try and make more soup. She gave me a recipe for pork bone marrow soup that I am finally making today! It smells so good. I am going to use it with dinner tonight. She also gave me a bottle of supplements called Blossom (Phase 1). Lots of Chinese herbs that I need to help me with fertility.
One peculiar thing that happened was today when I took my morning temperature, my temperature was 98.6! Wayyy higher then it usually is when I first wake up. I am wondering if maybe I had too many blankets on me or if I did anything different last night to make my temperature go up but I can't think of anything. Besides it was much cooler outside. Not sure what the higher temperature means if anything but I thought it was odd. Curious what my temperature will be tomorrow. Maybe I am a little sick? Who knows!
I am going to head back and make my soup broth now! Can't wait to gobble it up tonight!
One peculiar thing that happened was today when I took my morning temperature, my temperature was 98.6! Wayyy higher then it usually is when I first wake up. I am wondering if maybe I had too many blankets on me or if I did anything different last night to make my temperature go up but I can't think of anything. Besides it was much cooler outside. Not sure what the higher temperature means if anything but I thought it was odd. Curious what my temperature will be tomorrow. Maybe I am a little sick? Who knows!
I am going to head back and make my soup broth now! Can't wait to gobble it up tonight!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
18.4
18.4
I have no idea what that really means as far as a progesterone level 7 days after ovulation but all research online points to positive. It means I ovulated all by myself. Hooray! Some good news in all of this craziness. Still not out of the dark though. Haven't heard from my doctor on it yet and I am sure he will tell me everything I need to know when we meet next week or after. The next step is to call the doctor when I get my period and do another FSH and Estradiol test on Day 3. I am hoping that I get some answers and better news!
Meditation class was cancelled tonight which gave me a chance to come home and veg out and eat dinner with Hsien. I love nights at home when I don't have to be anywhere!
Been testing my Basal Body Temperature the past 2 months. It's not as hard as I imagined. I think telling Hsien what I was doing and him accepting it, didn't feel so weird. I just wish those thermometers didn't make so many BEEP noises when I do test at 6:30 in the morning LOL! Poor Hsien...at least it's only for like 15 seconds at the most. I am seeing more now with tracking my temperatures and it's been quite interesting. It dipped on the day I ovulated and then went right back up. Today it dipped down which made me sad....but I read online not to over analyze the numbers until you have been testing for a few months. *sigh*
My spirit is a little lower then usual. For some reason I am sort of sad....sad because I know my period is coming close and the week before my period is always my hardest week. I just have no faith that a pregnancy will happen although I know I shouldn't be like this. Maybe it's my hormones...PMS! I always cry more this week and just wish I could see a "PREGNANT" indication on a home pregnancy test...maybe one day I will. I have an acupuncture appt tomorrow that I can wait for! I love it....it's really been a lifesaver for me emotionally and it's all the hope I have right now to get pregnant.
Hoping for the best....hopefully I will knock the slump out of me by the weekend.
I have no idea what that really means as far as a progesterone level 7 days after ovulation but all research online points to positive. It means I ovulated all by myself. Hooray! Some good news in all of this craziness. Still not out of the dark though. Haven't heard from my doctor on it yet and I am sure he will tell me everything I need to know when we meet next week or after. The next step is to call the doctor when I get my period and do another FSH and Estradiol test on Day 3. I am hoping that I get some answers and better news!
Meditation class was cancelled tonight which gave me a chance to come home and veg out and eat dinner with Hsien. I love nights at home when I don't have to be anywhere!
Been testing my Basal Body Temperature the past 2 months. It's not as hard as I imagined. I think telling Hsien what I was doing and him accepting it, didn't feel so weird. I just wish those thermometers didn't make so many BEEP noises when I do test at 6:30 in the morning LOL! Poor Hsien...at least it's only for like 15 seconds at the most. I am seeing more now with tracking my temperatures and it's been quite interesting. It dipped on the day I ovulated and then went right back up. Today it dipped down which made me sad....but I read online not to over analyze the numbers until you have been testing for a few months. *sigh*
My spirit is a little lower then usual. For some reason I am sort of sad....sad because I know my period is coming close and the week before my period is always my hardest week. I just have no faith that a pregnancy will happen although I know I shouldn't be like this. Maybe it's my hormones...PMS! I always cry more this week and just wish I could see a "PREGNANT" indication on a home pregnancy test...maybe one day I will. I have an acupuncture appt tomorrow that I can wait for! I love it....it's really been a lifesaver for me emotionally and it's all the hope I have right now to get pregnant.
Hoping for the best....hopefully I will knock the slump out of me by the weekend.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Progesterone
I am having another blood test done tomorrow...Progesterone test! I am hoping and praying for some positive results or at least an answer to all of this. I should be getting my period the end of this week which means more blood tests and ultrasounds until a decision is made. *sigh* Ugh! I hate all of this....I wish it could just be easy for us! The time between ovulation and my period is the hardest time for me. My feelings are all over the place, my hormones are crazy and all I can think about is dreading my period.
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