32 weeks 3 days

Baby Boy is doing great! We were scheduled today for an NST session and an appt with my doctor. For once...a "normal" appt!

Got hooked up to the NST machine and heard his heartbeat immediately....yeah! Nice and strong! He has been moving a lot so I wasn't too worried but I am still paranoid at every appt. Sat there for 20 minutes and then my doctor came in and did an ultrasound. He was moving a lot and doing well. His head is really low so hopefully he won't move and we can do a vaginal birth. He is measuring about 3 lbs 9 oz right now. She checked my cervix and she says I am 2 cm dialated (Eeek!) Not sure if I should be totally concerned about this but my doctor says that women can be dialated for weeks and have no change...so we'll see. I kind of had a feeling because I have had more cervical mucus lately. She also did a test where they insert a swab in your vagina and also one in your behind and test for any infections. I don't remember the name but I have heard about it....and boy that was NOT fun LOL!

My doctor also told me that she has put in my file that she wants to be the doctor for the birth! Wow! Usually with Kaiser you just get whoever is on duty that day but she wants to be called and come. She dosen't live too far. I feel so special! I am happy that she will be there and pretty much be there from start to finish. I also told her about me seeing a Grief counselor starting next week and she thinks that is really great. She says it probably will be more helpful after the birth and we bring our son home but it's good to set up a relationship with a grief counselor now to make that transition easier for us to get through. She also said that it probably will help with the birth as well since I plan to birth all three babies and I know it will be a very very emotional time for my husband and I to deliver 2 stillborn daughters.

After the appt with the doctor, I went and signed up for a Childbirth class since I had not planned to take one because the plan was a cesarean birth. Now that there is a possibility that we can do this vaginally, I guess I should learn all of this stuff. It's an all day class on a Sunday in October. I also have a late pregnancy class on Tuesday. Then off to the lab to do another Gestational Diabetes one hour test. That wasn't too bad since I did it at 20 weeks. I drank the stuff...came back in an hour, did a blood sample, peed in a cup and was on my way! Hopefully it all comes back in a good way.

Next NST and ultrasound appt is next Thursday morning and then the appt with the Grief Counselor on Friday which I cannot wait to go to!

Naomi Grace--another Angel in Heaven 9-14-11

I sit here in shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, bittnerness and horrible horrible thoughts running through my head. Enough is enough already!

When given the news this morning by the ultrasound tech that there was no heartbeat....I went numb. For some reason, I knew in my heart that this would happen. I didn't cry...I just laid there staring at the wall. Another daughter gone to heaven within 2 months of her sister. Naomi had stopped growing and measured 23 weeks (I am 31 weeks). The doctor came in and told me that I cannot blame myself for this and that Baby B would have probably not survived even if we did deliver her earlier like we had talked about. It's hard not to blame yourself though and I am trying really hard to not have any regrets but it's very difficult right now.

I just cannot believe this has happened....again! Such a slap in the face and a stab to the heart. The pain I feel hurts more then anything I have ever been through. Part of me wishes I could go back to the days when we were doing our IUIs and had been told I was having ONE child. To go from having three to one is so difficult and such a tease. Am I being taught a lesson? Am I being punished? Why the fuck is this happening to us!!!!?????????????

And the sad part and I feel so fucking stupid is that I finished the babies room yesterday....it looks so perfect and now I have the pleasure of ripping Naomi's name off the wall. There are two cribs in there.....girl clothes and girl toys...pink and purple cute things. I think it would be easier to just light a match and burn down the room. I CANNOT accept that we have lost another daughter....I just cannot and I never will! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! I want to wake up from this nightmare now.

And as crazy as all of this has been....Baby Boy is a happy little guy who has not had one issue. He weighted 3 1/2 lbs today and right on target for a full term birth. I AM happy to have him...I truly am but this makes me so sad and sick that this little boy will never have a sibling to play with...an only child. I'm sad for him. I am sad too that I will always have in the back of my mind that he will not make it either. God please don't take our only living child away from us!

September 19, 2011

Well it looks like that might be the Twins birthday! I got a call from Dr Lin today that she wants to set up one more ultrasound on the 14th to see how they are doing with their weights and measurements and then if things are still going as plan to deliver at 32 weeks, she will have us admitted on Sunday Sept 18th and plan for a cesarean either the 19th or maybe 20th. Now I am getting excited!!

Still feeling good and laying low...drinking lots of fluids and mostly just hanging out on the couch these days. My Sister in Laws and their husbands and my nieces have been here visiting the past week so that has been really nice. My nieces are 3 years old and 2 months old and just adorable. My husband has REALLY stepped in and helped with the little one. It warms my heart! As soon as Noelle starts to fuss, he will pick her up and walk her around and try to soothe her, hoping to give his sister a break sometime. We will be in restaurants and he will be walking her around showing her things so his sister can eat and enjoy her lunch. His whole family is REALLY impressed....I am too! I think he is going to be a really good Daddy and as nervous as I was before, I think very involved and helpful.

We have decided on names FINALLY! So excited about that...makes it feel more real. I have been practicing yelling them out loud to make sure they sound okay LOL! I also asked my husband what he wants to be called. He calls his Dad "Baba" and wants to be called that too by our kids...so "Baba" and "Mommy" it is!

We have been really blessed and spoiled lately with the amount of gifts that have been given to us for the babies. We are going to Babies R Us tomorrow to buy a rocking chair to use and I used some Amazon gift cards today to buy some decor for the room. Still have things to do but I know I will have time to do stuff after they are born as well.

I've gained about 30 lbs so far and I can feel it all in my belly...my balance is all over the place. Luckily I feel like I have only gained in the belly and not a whole lot elsewhere so hopefully the weight is from the babies and getting them nice and fattened. Not sure how much more I will gain in the next 16 days but hoping for another 5 lbs or so.

The next 2 weeks I am going to enjoy getting the babies stuff ready and finishing every single Thank you card. I want to have them all done by the time the kids get here. I also plan to frame a few of the cards and poems we got at our showers so I might work on those on the couch so I can hang them up in the room.

Can't believe my dream of being pregnant is almost to an end. I am happy and sad for many reasons but mostly happy and relieved. If Baby A and B are born alive and screaming, I will be so reassured!

xoxox, Monica and Baby B and Baby N!

30 weeks vs 32 weeks?

We had another ultrasound today at 29 weeks 2 days. Both babies have strong heartbeats, moving around and now we can see their chests rising and falling as they breathe. So cute!

So now we are at a point of when to deliver. I feel like my children's destiny is in the palm of our hands and any decision we make effects their lives. This is so very very hard.

My doctor stated that she feels that delivering at 30 weeks (next Tuesday) would be fine and that both would be born small but have a high chance of survival. Baby Boy will probably be about 3 lbs by that point. Baby Girl "appears" to be growing very slowly (if not at all) and we will be lucky if she is even 2 lbs at birth. I use the word appears loosely because I know that ultrasounds are not absolutely accurate when it comes to measuring babies in utero. I'm still trying to believe that it will be wrong and she will be born weighting not too far behind her brother.

My husband wants to wait until 32 weeks though. Baby Girl has been "stable" now for weeks. Her amnio fluid amount has not changed for the worst in a few weeks. It just continues to remain the same which to us seems like good news...not great but okay. She continues to have a great heartrate, fetal movement and now showing signs of breathing with her chest rising.

I'm scared that if we wait until 32 weeks that she might not make it but its how I have felt since we found out her prognosis at week 24 and she just keeps hanging on!

Such a hard decision!! I need a freaking break!! Getting pregnant was hard, being pregnant with multiples was harder....God please let the NICU and raising babies be the easiest part! It's like the steps to becoming a parent just continue to get harder and harder. I know seeing my babies in the NICU will be the hardest part for us and I am really dreading that. I am always preparing for the worst since this pregnancy has been far from what a normal pregnancy should be. I continue to wait for the ball to drop in every situation now and I hate that.

So this is where we are at right now...not sure how to think at all. I am going to call my doctor and have her arrange an ultrasound next Tuesday at 30 weeks and see how things are going. If it continues to remain the same, we will wait. If it's worst, then we will deliver.

I want to be one of those women who bitches and complains in the hallway at the L&D that they have hit their due date and baby won't come. They don't know how lucky they are to carry their baby so far along....I wish I could. Of course we always want what we can't have right? *sigh*

I am so emotionally tired...I don't even want to think about this anymore! Hoping one day I can look back and laugh and say this was all worth the worry and tears. I pray every night that both babies are born healthy and happy human beings so I can close this chapter in my life and be DONE with the Hell of Infertility forever!

28 weeks...and lots of drama!

So yeah....never thought that yesterday's routine ultrasound would lead into so much drama ;) Went in for what I thought was a routine checkup only to be admitted into the L&D hospital into a delivery room! Eeeek! My usual doctor wasn't working yesterday but the doctor that did examine me thought that we might want to deliver the babies yesterday. Baby A continues to show growth and development weighting in about 2.5 lbs at 28 weeks which is great! But his sister is not showing any growth and development although she still has a strong heartbeat and moving like crazy inside of me. It's hard to get a good read on her because she is moving about and because she is so small she has more room. Her fluids showed low yesterday and today....but last week they improved?! You know...I don't know what to believe anymore!!!! Frustrating and I am almost to the point that I don't want to continue any ultrasounds because they are not accurate and sometimes misleading and just breaking my heart.

So anyways....we were admitted and was given the steriod shot to help develop their lungs. Had quite a few great doctors come in and talk to me about whether we wanted to deliver in the next 35-48 hours or continue on with the pregnancy. We spoke with a NICU doctor and several baby doctors as well. Wanted to make sure my husband and I got all of our facts and information straight before making the hardest decision of our lives....it did not come easy.

Our decision is to continue on with the pregnancy, even if that means we lose Baby B. Heartbreaking and heartwrenching I know....I cry just thinking about it. The reasons we came to this decision are:

Baby A has not been stressed out during this pregnancy. The doctor feels that if we take him out at 28 weeks, it might be too early for him and he may not respond well to the stress of an early delivery and might die. Also run the risk of lungs not developing right, respitory issues and NEC which is a gestational problem quite common in babies born too early.

Baby B will probably survive if born now but her gestational size is about 25-26 weeks development which is very very small. She might survive but she also will have some major lifestyle complications if we deliver this early.

Running the risk of birthing too possibly unhealthy babies right now was too hard of a decision for us. We decided to wait it out week by week with the pregnancy getting to a point where at least Baby A is ready without the risk of so many health complications. Baby B as we know will possibly be born (if she still alive at this time) but have some sort of health issue due to her slow development. But she might not! Miracles happen every day. We just cannot risk the healthy babies life right now. We would love to bring both babies home....but the thought of birthing them now and watching them both struggle in the NICU....I just can't do that right now. If Baby B is not ready for life, then I want her to make that choice inside of me. That is a decision I CAN live with for the rest of my life. This was an incredibly hard choice to make....luckily my husband and I both feel okay with this decision.

So after we talked to the doctor of our decision to not deliver in the next 24-48 hours, they let me eat at 8:30pm! Finally! I was starving! They had me hooked up in a bed to a tube of fluids, a blood pressure monitor on one finger and 3 dopplers on my belly. It was not comfortable at all....I can see how people get bed sores being in the hospital!! Even getting up to go to the bathroom was a huge ordeal. I had to call a nurse, have them unplug me and wheel me to the bathroom in my room. Of course in the middle of that night that was like every hour! Luckily every nurse that worked with me was AWESOME! Same with the doctors....we are so lucky to be where we are at. They always took care of me with a smile and not one complaint about our care. It was just really hard to sleep there. I think I finally dozed off for a second about 4am but it was hard to stay asleep. My dopplers were so frustrating! They are not meant for babies so small. They kept losing the heart signal constantly and the nurse had to come in every hour and adjust them on me. Ugh! Not a fun night! My husband stayed with me until about 1am but I told him to go home. He was not going to get any sleep if he stayed. We only live 5 miles from the hospital so I wasn't worried about anything. About 7:15am, I just decided to get up and turn the TV on and stop fighting the idea that I was going to actually sleep in that uncomfortable bed with all of these needles and monitors on my hands.

My Dad and Step Mom came by about 9am to keep me company. The nurses gave me breakfast which I devoured. Pretty much just waited all morning for my shot and ultrasound appt at 2pm. Glad to have my Dad there to talk to me.

At 2pm, a guy wheeled in with a wheelchair and whisked me to the Perinatology dept where my doctor gave me an ultrasound. She had a hard time getting a good read on Baby Girl and at that point told me the dopplers looked better then yesterday. (Isn't that always how it is!!??) She said she isn't sure why they got better...might have been the strict bedrest from the overnight stay, the fluids or just coincidence. Who the heck knows!! I go back on Friday for another ultrasound and tour of the NICU and then another ultrasound on Wednesday. My doctor wheeled me back to my room where they gave me the last dose of the steroid shot and I got dressed and was discharged at about 5pm.

Wow...what a day! Not sure what to think with all of this information! I am trying to stay hopeful but also have in the back of my mind that Baby B may not make it. =( I sure hope she does though. Only time will tell and I will continue to take it easy and drink lots of water and Ensure and eat healthy. That is all I can really do at this point!

Hoping for healthy and happy September babies now!! xoxo

Stable!!

Wooohoooooo!!! That is exactly the word I wanted to hear today at our ultrasound!!!!

My usual Perinatologist was not in today because she was doing a surgery today but Dr. Robinson met with me. She was the one I met with before at my 18 week scan who scared the crap out of me about Baby C having deformed hands. I was a bit nervous to see her today but it was a great appt. I got to see my favorite ultrasound tech Elspeth today...so that helped my nerves. She is the one that did the appt when we lost Baby Grace and she is just a sweetheart. She checked all of their fluids, blood flow, heartbeats and anatomy. Then the doctor came in and went over the findings:

Baby A: perfect! He is doing great and has continually showed strength. It's amazing...this poor guy has been surrounded by so much choas with his sisters and me that he must be on major estrogen overload LOL! But he does not seem to be phased by anything happening. *phew* He is also not very shy either...every appt he is showing off his penis for the world to see Ha! Ha!

Baby B: No growth scan was done today since one was done last week. They will measure on the 26th to see how much both have grown. Her amniotic fluid is still lower then average but it has not gotten worst. Her bladder was full of amniotic fluid which to the doctor was positive because it means she is swallowing and urinating like she should. Her blood flow from the placenta is still low but has not regressed. Last week the ultrasound had shown regression but that was not the case today *hooray!* She is getting excellent blood flow to the brain so the doctor was happy about that. Overall the doctor said the good news is both babies are stable at this point! Both babies are super active with excellent heartbeats and that says a lot.

We discussed when delivery would possibly happen and they are looking at now possibly waiting for 30-32 weeks depending on how Baby B progresses. If she continues to be stable like she has been then they will push to 32 weeks but definitely not any further then that. So we are hoping now that we have mid-September babies! So we have another fluid check ultrasound next Thursday and then another growth scan on the 26th which will tell us a lot about how she is growing. I will be 28 weeks and 4 days by then. They are going to set me up with a NICU tour that day as well.

Okay and this is lame...I asked about having a tour of the maternity ward and guess what? They only do those online! Lame! I am going to watch the video today from my computer....just dosen't feel the same! But they will let me tour the NICU since it's for sure my babies will be living there for a while. Doctor is trying to set that up for the 26th as well.

So FOR ONCE...I left the hospital with tears in my eyes and a big smile on my face. I feel hopeful! Anything can change...anything can turn...I was so positive that Baby C would make it and look what happened to her but I can't think that the same thing will happen to Baby B. I am going to enjoy this high feeling of hope and love. When I called my husband about the appt (poor guy was planning to be with me but got called into work--major work project going on today!) I could feel the sense of relief in his voice and the blood coming back to his face. He knows I have been drinking those Ensure drinks 3-4 a day and he said "Keep drinking them! Not sure if they are helping but we'll buy more!" hehe Called all of our parents and they are relieved and elated about the news too. They were all on the edge of their seats today.

So on to a great weekend! When I came home there were THREE big boxes of gifts on my front door!!!! Wow!! One box does not indicate who it is from though...I even opened it and no paper indicating who bought it...boooo! I need to figure it out because this person spent $200 for this gift!

AND...my Mom and Aunts are throwing my first shower on Sunday! I am soooooo excited!!!! I know I am going to be a big emotional mess....but in a good way!

Alrighty....I could write about this ALL day but I am sure I have said enough. The babies are good....I love you all and your beautiful love and prayers and great thoughts have helped me. I am so grateful to each and every one of you!!!

Love from me and the babies!

PS...I woke up to MORE stretchmarks today and I LOVE IT!

19 more days

That is how long I can expect to be pregnant for *sigh*

Doctor's appt today (like ALWAYS) was not a good one...for once I would love to walk out of there feeling positive and good about my babies but I think that has happened once this whole pregnancy. *sigh*

Baby Boy A is measuring well and right on schedule...he is currently 1 lb and 10 oz. He has no problems and appears to be growing and receiving nutrients.

Baby Girl B is measuring behind 3 weeks and is 1 lb and 2 oz. Her amniotic fluid is still very low and her blood flow from the placenta continues to worsten.

Doctors says that this is the point if it was a singleton that she would have me do an immediate cesarean. I am 25 weeks and 2 days today. As much as I would love to save both of these babies, my husband and I (as well as the doctor) feel it's best to wait until 28 weeks to do a delivery. We would rather bring home one healthy baby then risk the chance of both babies not living after birth. The choices and decisions that come with multiples is so hard to bear. I am really just dying inside right now....numb also because I just don't know what will happen and if I am doing the right thing.

If Baby B is still alive by week 27 (doctor thinks the chances of that are pretty low though), she will have us do the steroid shot and then plan to do the cesarian around August 23rd. At that point both babies will be 28 weeks and have a higher chance of survival outside of the womb and being taken care.

I don't know what or why this is happening. I feel like I have been teased from Day 1. As grateful as I am to have been blessed with triplets, I wish now that it had been a singleton pregnancy from the beginning. The liklihood of my heart breaking every minute would probably not happen and I would have never had gotten my heart set on having three babies. That will never happen again and the chances of having twins now is very low too. Maybe the Karma train decided to make a U-turn and make me and the babies suffer for something I have done in my life that was wrong. Maybe that dreaded demon called "Infertility" wants to see me continue suffering and is taking away babies from me so I can be taught a lesson? I thought getting pregnant was hard.....this is a million times worst. Having the loss of a child this far along or knowing that it can happen again hurts a million times worst then all the BFNs I have ever had.

After the appt, I met with that nice lady Leila after her son's appt. Her husband came with her too and it was nice to meet all of them. I cried so hard when I saw her and she held me forever. I was glad I could do that with her and she gave me a lot of encouragement. Her husband was so wonderful too and gave me a lot of love and encouragement as well. Their son Liam is perfect at 7 months old. Her sons were identical and both born at 1 lb 8 oz and 1 lb 9 oz at 24 weeks. Sadly her son Ewan only lived to 70 days or so. She was so sweet....she makes baskets for the NICU Moms and brings them to them and she said she already started making mine and it will be a little extra special. How did I get so lucky to meet such an incredibly generous woman?

So now I sit here, eating a whole box of Nestle ice cream drumsticks crying my eyes out for whatever the future holds for us. I would love to believe that Baby B will survive and make it but part of me has a hard time being strong and believing that. I was strong for Baby Grace and looked what happened. Then I thought after her loss that things would be so much easier for the other two but it seems to have taken a turn for the worst.

Through this all though, we do have a son who is healthy as can be. I need to keep remembering that. I feel completely selfish about everything else and I want it all but we do have that little boy that will probably survive and be a joy to our lives. I may never get to experience a full term pregnancy or get to the point of waddling or feeling so uncomfortable or get to that point of running to the L&D because I think something is wrong. I may never get to have a baby shower the way I imagined I would but at the end of all of this....I will be blessed with a healthy son....and hopefully a healthy daughter too. Until then...this will be the longest 19 days of my life.