Emotionally drained

I am writing this in tears. I am having a bad bad day and just want to cry my eyes out. In fact, I had to leave our bedroom because I kept weeping and didn't want to wake my husband up. I am "suppose" to get my period tomorrow. I feel crampy, irritable and just plain SAD. It's like everytime I get my period, a part of me dies. I did everything right this month....spent almost $1000 on acupuncture for the next 2 months, went to Reiki sessions, meditated, kept happy thoughts in my head and I just feel like I am wasting my time with all of this. I freak out so much about the money being spent and I hate it. It's hard for me not to think about it because I know Hsien thinks about it too although he never makes me feel bad about it. I just wish I could be "normal" and get pregnant like everyone else around me with no trouble. What did I ever do to deserve it? I am so freakin sick and tired of people telling me that if I stop stressing and thinking about it that it will happen. I just want to slap those people in the face and say "FU...you have no idea what I am going through". I am just so mad and frustrated right now. I am just so worried about what the next "step" is going to be that the doctor decides. Once I get my period, I have to go in for a ovaries ultrasound and do another FSH and estradiol re-test. I will be CRUSHED if my levels are not better. I will feel so hopeless and broken. Part of me feels like I cannot emotionally handle moving forward with treatments. I just don't think I can do it and that is why I think I can't stop crying. At this point, I think I would rather go the adoption route. Of course that is mentally draining but part of me feels like it's more of a sure thing. I dunno...I am just do freakin fed up right now. I hate all of this. I feel so low and sad and afraid. I am letting this all get to me. Most of the time I have my good days but today has been bad. I can't stop crying and don't want Hsien to see me. I just don't know what to do next. I can only hope and pray that 1-I don't get my period this week and I am indeed pregnant or 2-my FSH and estradiol levels lower and I can have more hope that acupunture IS working and that I can maybe get pregnant all on my own. Maybe the 3 weeks in Europe will do me some good. I don't plan to chart or use my fertility monitor or read anything about infertility while I am away. It might be a good thing for me. Also, charting my temps every morning has I think caused more stress to me. I do it every morning, never really understanding what the hell the temperature even means. It's like adding one more thing to my full plate. I dunno if I want to continue doing it....I think it's stressing me out more then I really need to be. Ugh! I hate all of this...life isn't fair. What the f did I ever do to deserve this. I feel like I am letting Hsien and everyone around me down.

Oh one thing I wanted to write about before I totally forget it in my brain: last week I had a dream (Wed night I think). I was with my Acupuncturist and she gave me a big tea bag and told me to pee on it to see if I was pregnant. So I pee on it and it's saturated LOL! I am holding it up looking at it and suddenly two big circles appear on it...one bright red and the other bright blue and they are overlapping a bit. I was confused what the circles meant so Kate (my Reiki Master) appears in my dream and she is helping me to figure out what it means and we are checking the box and we could not figure it out. She tells me I should ask my acupuncturist and I go looking for it...then I wake up.

Just having a bad day.....I needed to vent. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me.

Makin' Soup

Today was a much better day! I started out with a good walk/jog for about 50 minutes this morning. Then off to the acupuncturist! I love seeing her because it gives me peace of mind. She always asks me how I am doing as far as my infertility journey and always asks me what day in my cycle I am on. Today she did not put any needles in my belly but focused mostly on my ears, head and feet. I definitely need to work on my circulation more and will try and make more soup. She gave me a recipe for pork bone marrow soup that I am finally making today! It smells so good. I am going to use it with dinner tonight. She also gave me a bottle of supplements called Blossom (Phase 1). Lots of Chinese herbs that I need to help me with fertility.

One peculiar thing that happened was today when I took my morning temperature, my temperature was 98.6! Wayyy higher then it usually is when I first wake up. I am wondering if maybe I had too many blankets on me or if I did anything different last night to make my temperature go up but I can't think of anything. Besides it was much cooler outside. Not sure what the higher temperature means if anything but I thought it was odd. Curious what my temperature will be tomorrow. Maybe I am a little sick? Who knows!

I am going to head back and make my soup broth now! Can't wait to gobble it up tonight!

18.4

18.4
I have no idea what that really means as far as a progesterone level 7 days after ovulation but all research online points to positive. It means I ovulated all by myself. Hooray! Some good news in all of this craziness. Still not out of the dark though. Haven't heard from my doctor on it yet and I am sure he will tell me everything I need to know when we meet next week or after. The next step is to call the doctor when I get my period and do another FSH and Estradiol test on Day 3. I am hoping that I get some answers and better news!

Meditation class was cancelled tonight which gave me a chance to come home and veg out and eat dinner with Hsien. I love nights at home when I don't have to be anywhere!

Been testing my Basal Body Temperature the past 2 months. It's not as hard as I imagined. I think telling Hsien what I was doing and him accepting it, didn't feel so weird. I just wish those thermometers didn't make so many BEEP noises when I do test at 6:30 in the morning LOL! Poor Hsien...at least it's only for like 15 seconds at the most. I am seeing more now with tracking my temperatures and it's been quite interesting. It dipped on the day I ovulated and then went right back up. Today it dipped down which made me sad....but I read online not to over analyze the numbers until you have been testing for a few months. *sigh*

My spirit is a little lower then usual. For some reason I am sort of sad....sad because I know my period is coming close and the week before my period is always my hardest week. I just have no faith that a pregnancy will happen although I know I shouldn't be like this. Maybe it's my hormones...PMS! I always cry more this week and just wish I could see a "PREGNANT" indication on a home pregnancy test...maybe one day I will. I have an acupuncture appt tomorrow that I can wait for! I love it....it's really been a lifesaver for me emotionally and it's all the hope I have right now to get pregnant.

Hoping for the best....hopefully I will knock the slump out of me by the weekend.

Progesterone

I am having another blood test done tomorrow...Progesterone test! I am hoping and praying for some positive results or at least an answer to all of this. I should be getting my period the end of this week which means more blood tests and ultrasounds until a decision is made. *sigh* Ugh! I hate all of this....I wish it could just be easy for us! The time between ovulation and my period is the hardest time for me. My feelings are all over the place, my hormones are crazy and all I can think about is dreading my period.

Blah!

Opened the flood gates a tiny bit...

One last thing...I finally decided to share my blog with more people. Thank you M.E. for reading my blog the past 2 weeks! Means a lot to me. Now I have D.D. and F.D. to read and be supportive. I also opened up my blog to my online infertility support group and online women's group that I have been a part of since 2004. I figure I need all the love and encouragement I can get these days!

Happy reading and my feelings won't be hurt if I bore you to death ;) Feel free to leave me comments too!

xoxxoo

Buzzy feeling

I had another Reiki session with Kate tonight. I was excited to see her to be enlightened. I really tried to meditate more and use her theories to practice on my own time. I have been meditating more and also imaging myself with a baby in my arms in a beautiful room like she told me to in our first session. I wasn't as relaxed this time as I usually. Both times before I had just come from acupuncture and was totally relaxed. This time I came straight from work and felt that I wasn't as relaxed like I usually was. I had a hard time not thinking about life.

After our session she said that my energy was good and through out my body. She felt my third eye chakra had a lot of deep thoughts. Obviously I do have a lot on my mind these days do that makes sense. Last time she sensed uncertainty in my throat chakra like I had something I wanted to say. She didn't feel that this time. She also said that the uneasiness in my abdomen chakra like last time had moved out of my abdomen area into my thights. Maybe that is a good thing? We are not sure...she is going to do some research for me on that. Lastly and probably the best piece of info I got tonight....she didn't get that buzzy feeling in my right ovary like she had both times before. I had been ovulating the last time so it made sense why it might have been giving off energy 3 days ago but quite interesting why it was buzzing over a week ago. I told her I wasn't ovulating anymore plus the discomfort I felt there had been gone 2 days ago. This made her more curious and wants to continue to see me every week to see if that buzzy feeling comes back. So cool! I have another session with her next Thursday after work. So curious to see what happens. Other then that, a great session. It's so nice to have someone want to do this for me with nothing in return. I am going to buy her an iTunes gift card this weekend and give it to her. She has her fancy iPad that she puts notes about our sessions in and her iPod that she uses for music during our sessions....so it's sort of a fitting gift. I feel like I should so something nice with her generosity. I might even take her to a nice dinner. Glad we are doing these sessions and finally feel like her and I are friends. It's a nice feeling.

Nothing else too new with the infertility. I started a new book and learning some stuff from it. Not really into it like the last book but just basically reading all I can right now. I have a blood test on Tuesday to do for my progesterone levels. Anxious to hear the results on that one!

I am thinking.....if I do get pregnant soon, maybe I should name my first daughter Kate after my friend who is helping me with healing? That sounds like a fantastic idea ;)

Not much to say....

but I am in a good mood and I won't argue with that! It's also our 3 year anniversary today....woohooooo! I had an acupuncture appt today and went for a run this morning. I feel relaxed....we are heading to dinner tonight! It's a surprise...Hsien won't tell me where.

I am super thirsty today!