Baby Grace is now an Angel in Heaven.....

We had our 22 week ultrasound yesterday for our babies and sadly found out that Baby C Grace passed away sometime in the past 2 weeks. She had no heartbeat when the u/s tech checked her. I am sad...devastated....hurt.....I just cannot believe she is gone. I guess she knew she was not ready for the world and went to Heaven instead. I am crushed....we no longer have triplets and that is just breaking my heart. How do you heal from this news? How do you tell people you love that one of the girls is gone? After the appt, I went straight to my husband's work and told him in the car. He was shocked of course...sad too. I don't think he expected this news today either.

On the bright note though...we do have our twins (which is so weird for me to say now). Baby A boy is doing really well and over a pound now. He wasn't as active as he usually is and the tech said it was because he sensed his Mom's sadness. I lost it after she said that....she was so sweet about everything. Baby B girl, the doctor is concerned about and this is coming from the doctor I trust and like. Her blood flow from the placenta is not as strong as it should be and she is worried about that because she believes that is why Baby C passed away. Baby B is slightly smaller then her brother but nothing alarming. The doctor wants me back in 2 weeks to check on everything and I pray and hope that Baby B will be okay. I really do not think I can handle another baby loss right now. The doctor told me to be prepared that if things do not look good at my 24 week ultrasound that they might have to deliver the twins early. Ugh! I really hope not....why can't things be normal or good?!

The doctor has released me from work which I am grateful for. I am doing fine...my cervix is nice and high and tight and I feel great overall but with the news today, I just can't even think about anything right now. She signed the note for me and I went down to the business office at Kaiser after to start the process for disability. I think I really need this time to grieve and focus on the health of those babies even though I am fine now. The doctor said I will be getting really big and it's just a matter of time anyways that I would be out on bedrest. It's sort of a relief now being at home knowing that I don't have to think or worry about work right now.

So here I am.....so many things to think about and changes. We bought the triplet stroller in April that we plan to sell now. I cannot keep it...I cannot even look at it without crying my heart out. Hopefully we can sell it on craigslist fast. We had plans to go look at a used minivan this weekend about an hour away but we are not going to buy one now. The cars we have now will be perfect for twins anyways. I need to update my baby registry to change items from 3 to 2 as well. We still plan to have the baby shower on Sunday unless my husband changes his mind. Sorry to sound this all out...I just need to let it out. I grieve best with a plan and a focus. I miss my daughter but I know I need to stay strong for the other two and move on. There is nothing I can do to bring her back.

The thought of calling my Mom about this news is killing me....but I know I have to. How do I tell her? I just want to cry! How do I tell everyone? I have been posting all over Facebook about the triplets....is there an eloquent way of posting something on FB about it so that I don't have to tell or explain to everyone? I need help.....this is so hard. I feel like I am a neverending waterfall right now.